Feel Like Having Sex?

I just received yet another email from someone telling me the woes of living with a less-than-satisfying sex life. This time it was a woman explaining that her husband doesn’t want to have sex with her very often. She initiates. He turns her down.

This scenario is played out countless times everyday in marriages. It’s one of the great stand-offs in married life. Typically, one spouse wants to have sex more than the other.  Sometimes, the husbands write to me that the woman isn’t so interested. After all, that is the stereotype. Men who want to have sex all the time and it’s the women who turn them down. (Truth be told, in my ministry, I hear much more from women who say that it’s the guys who aren’t interested—and the pervasiveness of pornography is a big reason for this.)

Clearly, if you’ve read even a handful of my posts you know that I address sex related issues a lot.  If you’ve somehow missed it, check out what I’ve said about sexual desirebeing intentional about sex, scheduling sex, sexless marriage, and a whole host of other sex topics on my blog.

Another of my staple soapbox-subjects is feelings...and the importance of not following and doing what you feel. ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex! You might feel like having sex with someone you aren’t married to. Not a good idea. Your feelings can get you in a whole lot of trouble. But there is a flip side of the problem of following your feelings when it comes to sex…and this is where we go back to the lady’s email…

So in answer to her lack of sex problem, I suggested that they try scheduling sex to see if that would help. She wrote back to say:

My husband doesn’t like that idea. He says he doesn’t think it should be like that but should only be when we are both feeling like it, and you can’t schedule that. Our previous marriage counselors also suggested it.

UGH! I wonder if he only feeds the dog when he “feels” like it. Wonder if he only goes to work when he “feels” like it.  What would he say if his wife told him she’d only cook dinner for him when she “feels” like it or if his boss only paid him when he “feels” like it?

Put it in the context of these examples and people have no problem seeing how ridiculous it is to use “feeling like it” as the sole motivator for doing things. For you men and women out there who are like this—those of you who are all about your “feeeeeeelings” and refuse to have sex with your spouse unless you “feeeeeel” like it, I sure do wish I could be around to ask you how you “feeeeeeel” once your sex-starved spouse ends up committing adultery.

Now I’m not saying it’s justified or okay for one to have a sexual affair because of lack of sex at home. What I am saying is that at some level, the “withholder” contributed to the situation. Most often, the “cheater” is the one who takes the fall and gets the bad rap; but the outside world doesn’t know there is much more to the story.

Differing sex drives is one of the hot button issues in marriage. It’s one that many couples struggle with. Generally, it’s because one person wants or feels like having sex more and the other doesn’t.

If initiation and response is a problem in your marriage or if you’re one of those people who believe that you have to “feel” like having sex before you can even think about it, check out the new book I’ve co-authored with Carolyn Evans at www.thebeadmethod.com. In it we offer a simple, yet brilliant solution for couples struggling in this area.

If you are willing and ready to try, it will revolutionize your marriage and sex life.

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10 Responses to “Feel Like Having Sex?”

    • Jan says:

      Just love the Bead Method book,my husband and I just started beading. I recommend it to everyone! Thanks for the book!

  1. Chrissy says:

    I am divorcing my husband because he chose to feed his porn addiciton rather than our marriage. The marriage was almost celibate for over 10 years.I am 53 and have a teenage child.

    The fact is that porn is not “harmless” or “fun” it is being unfaithful to the extreme by placing sexual energies outside the relationship. Once spent, there is nothing left.

    I am suffering Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from discovering his activities.

    For years I felt ignored, that I had failed as a woman, I miscarried a baby, the next died, I was unable to deliver normally and then discovered the porn at a time about a week before my baby died, a time when I most wanted to feel cared about and supported.

    It takes courage for a woman like me to instigate sex and I tried often and was rejected each time. He told me I was too unattractive for sex. That felt humiliating.

    I felt invisible, that all my love, my fidelity, my honouring the marriage, my husband, it all counted for nothing. He looked at images of things I could never be.

    I tried putting weight on, taking it off, dying my hair, dressing differently, staying in, going out….and it all felt inauthentic.

    I am me, just me. I cannot be tall, short, fat, thin, black, white, brown and yellow skinned, silicone chested and natural, flat chested and pendulous,curly haired and straight, blonde, brunette, raven haired and a redhead. I felt I could not “compete” with EVERY slut on the planet for his attention.

    Instead I chose to leave him because he dishonoured his promise to me, to our marriage, our family which was simply “to forsake ALL others.”

    I don’t want to have anything to do with a man who is prepared to lie to the person he is closest to. Love, marriage, trust, honour are choices. Each action is a choice. Each thought can be entertained or dismissed. He chose to dismiss me. And trust once broken can never be mended.

    I can’t see any point in staying married for more nothing, aching emptiness. The marriage is ended, the legals under way and paid, the ex husband living elsewhere.

    I don’t have any particular prudishness about people’s sexuality. I feel it’s best to be open and honest about what we might long for from our partner. A partner who genuinely loves will meet their partner as far as possible and want to enhance their lives and experience.

    I understand half of marriages where porn is involved end in divorce. My suggestion is quite simple. Turn the PC/phone/DVD whatever off and leave it off and focus all your attention on being the best you can be and creating wonderful ways to acknowledge, support, care for and genuinely give love to your partner/spouse.

    In your last moment who and what will have mattered in your life?
    It’s your choice with your next action.
    And actions speak the truth.

    Sent with love,

    • Belinda says:

      I was in a relationship with a man for over seven years; his porn addiction kept my self-esteem at an incredible low. I am married now to a wonderful man, but I am still healing from this relationship and the abuse therein. I know how you feel, Chrissy. I’m glad you were able to get help and put an end to his emotional abuse. It is so difficult to recover from.

      • Ramil says:

        Belinda and Chrissy – I feel your pain and understand that you did what you had to do… But I am on the other side of this story. I am a Male so expressing the other aspect.

        Your husband was addicted to Porn. Just like drugs, porn is a very powerful addiction. It needs to be cured. But you both took the easy way out – You Left the guy who is addicted instead of helping to cure him of his addiction.

        I know getting him to cure is and will not be easy but I think you took the easier route for your own selfish reasons as well.

        If someone’s husband or wife or child is addicted to say Drugs – What should the spouse or parents do? Leave the person ? Or get him or her help? Get some treatment?

        Porn is not just Men’s problem. Women are equally responsible for it. Women in Media, Movies, Advertisements, Hollywood etc – Are part of the problem too..

        Just sharing my thoughts.. Ad trust me I speak from experience. I am myself fighting this horrible addiction. People like me need help not criticism.

        • Jojo says:

          I do like how you connect the addiction to porn as the same as to a drug or alcohol. Yet, a person will not recover from alcohol just because the spouse desires it. In the case of these women who are no longer in those relationships, I hate to say they took the easy way out. We’re all broken and sometimes the pain is beyond endurance. The addict has to want the healing.

          As a wife who has a husband who doesn’t feel like having sex, a wife who has been rejected time after time for the last 15 years, who also has a husband who is an alcoholic, (and history of porn) leaving him now would not be an easy way out.

          BUT, I have to believe that Jesus is enough for me. That these earthly sorrows are nothing, because of the hope that I have. I’m still waiting for the Lord to answer my prayers, not sure when that will be. But until my husband recognizes his addiction and brokenness, improvement may not be seen.

  2. hassan says:

    I first watched porn at age 15 and was addicted to masturbation for about 10 years. I told God to help me take away the desire as I cldnt stop on my own. He did just that and I’ve not been tempted for 8 years now. Nothing is impossible with God. Just found out last year my husband is addicted to porn. He had been hiding it for years. I pray he will find the strength to stop cuz I know how difficult it is

    • K says:

      Hey Hassan. I’d recommend you’re husband join the setting captives free course. It is free and online on

      settingcaptivesfree.org

      The website isn’t some magical cure, but it is a very powerful tool in helping your husband’s addiction.
      Remember, only GOD can set free.

      With this course, God is helping set me free :D

  3. John says:

    I believe that as you age, it is natural for the drive to start to slow. Maybe for some, the drive remains high and they want to keep going, but for many (most?) it is a natural progression in aging to slow.

    I’m a male in my mid 40′s. Over the last few years I have felt the urge slipping away. I still love my wife, and we kiss, hug and hold hands, but I just do not have the drive or desire more than once a month or so. I do not think this is a sexless marriage. Being in a sexless marriage means nothing. Sex once a month is not nothing. Why is it that the low libido spouse must change or be “fixed”, sometimes with the suggestion of hormone replacement or therapy? These drugs are not natural and are linked to all sorts of medical issues. In men, testosterone is linked to prostate cancer. It may not cause it, but if you have it, it is reported to help spread it. I do not think God intended for me to risk my life and responsibility to my wife and kids just to prolong sex! I’m simply not willing to take that risk.

    I guess, in short…I feel the slowdown in drive is natural with age. The problem is, we all slow down at different rates. This is where the problem is. Dealing with the different rates of decline. At this rate, just the thought of sex in my 60′s makes me shudder……

  4. Huisvrou says:

    When we were only dating we “did it”, and it felt all wrong. We both were raised in Christian homes, we both are Christians and were it then, but we let our feelings drive us…
    It hurt my marriage, it hurt because I still feel “something” is amiss. I feel that maybe, if we spend more time getting to know one another instead of body searching, we might have a closer relationship in our marriage – he might have understand me better, might have taken time to get to know my dreams and desires too.

    But that is spilled milk.

    We are married 22 years, have four beautiful children and a wonderful marriage. Didn’t start out this good however, we fought a lot, especially because I am so “cold – frozen all over” and he “just want that from me, doesn’t want me.”
    I was molested by two men (not family, neighbours) when I was 4 and 5 years old. Had to face those emotions and trauma after our second baby was born.

    And wow, did sex improve after that…

    There are hormonal ups and downs in my cycle and my dh learned to live with it, but you certainly gave me a wake-up call with the “only when you feel – huh?” post….

    I always have Paul’s writing in mind – your body doesn’t belong to you, you don’t have the right to keep it from your husband / wife. But somedays I simply can’t get myself to “do it” (fake it?)

    Thanks for this.

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