I just received yet another email from someone telling me the woes of living with a less-than-satisfying sex life. This time it was a woman explaining that her husband doesn’t want to have sex with her very often. She initiates. He turns her down.
This scenario is played out countless times everyday in marriages. It’s one of the great stand-offs in married life. Typically, one spouse wants to have sex more than the other. Sometimes, the husbands write to me that the woman isn’t so interested. After all, that is the stereotype. Men who want to have sex all the time and it’s the women who turn them down. (Truth be told, in my ministry, I hear much more from women who say that it’s the guys who aren’t interested—and the pervasiveness of pornography is a big reason for this.)
Clearly, if you’ve read even a handful of my posts you know that I address sex related issues a lot. If you’ve somehow missed it, check out what I’ve said about sexual desire, being intentional about sex, scheduling sex, sexless marriage, and a whole host of other sex topics on my blog.
Another of my staple soapbox-subjects is feelings...and the importance of not following and doing what you feel. ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex! You might feel like having sex with someone you aren’t married to. Not a good idea. Your feelings can get you in a whole lot of trouble. But there is a flip side of the problem of following your feelings when it comes to sex…and this is where we go back to the lady’s email…
So in answer to her lack of sex problem, I suggested that they try scheduling sex to see if that would help. She wrote back to say:
My husband doesn’t like that idea. He says he doesn’t think it should be like that but should only be when we are both feeling like it, and you can’t schedule that. Our previous marriage counselors also suggested it.
UGH! I wonder if he only feeds the dog when he “feels” like it. Wonder if he only goes to work when he “feels” like it. What would he say if his wife told him she’d only cook dinner for him when she “feels” like it or if his boss only paid him when he “feels” like it?
Put it in the context of these examples and people have no problem seeing how ridiculous it is to use “feeling like it” as the sole motivator for doing things. For you men and women out there who are like this—those of you who are all about your “feeeeeeelings” and refuse to have sex with your spouse unless you “feeeeeel” like it, I sure do wish I could be around to ask you how you “feeeeeeel” once your sex-starved spouse ends up committing adultery.
Now I’m not saying it’s justified or okay for one to have a sexual affair because of lack of sex at home. What I am saying is that at some level, the “withholder” contributed to the situation. Most often, the “cheater” is the one who takes the fall and gets the bad rap; but the outside world doesn’t know there is much more to the story.
Differing sex drives is one of the hot button issues in marriage. It’s one that many couples struggle with. Generally, it’s because one person wants or feels like having sex more and the other doesn’t.
If initiation and response is a problem in your marriage or if you’re one of those people who believe that you have to “feel” like having sex before you can even think about it, check out the new book I’ve co-authored with Carolyn Evans at www.thebeadmethod.com. In it we offer a simple, yet brilliant solution for couples struggling in this area.
If you are willing and ready to try, it will revolutionize your marriage and sex life.