Oral Sex in Marriage

Time and again I am asked questions about what is permissible or allowed in the marital bed.  I generally assume that people are asking the question because one spouse thinks that a certain activity is great and really wants to engage in the particular thing, while the other one is reticent, uncomfortable or flat out doesn’t want to. Often what most people want to know is what the bible says about oral sex.  So for all of those who wonder if it’s okay, I will offer my opinion. Remember, this is what I think and you, your spouse, your grandma, Dr. Phil, or other marriage speakers and books—both Christian and secular—probably have a variety of answers to the question.

Let me start off by staying that the very important underlying premise of any discussion on sex is that husbands and wives are to be lovers to each other. That means you are to love the other person, consider him or her in your actions and do what you can to make your sexual relationship safe, secure and pleasurable. If both people are comfortable with and mutually desire something, then it’s on the table. If one doesn’t, it’s off.  I’m not sure what part of forcing, coercing and pressuring your mate to do something they don’t like fits into being a lover.

Now, as for oral sex, there are people who claim that certain scriptures from the book of Song of Solomon speak about it. I am not certain whether they do or don’t, much of that book is written in very analogous, flowery and poetic language. What I can say with certainty is that I’m sure God wasn’t surprised by it. I can’t imagine that it never occurred to him when he created the first man and woman, gave them the garden to live in and the freedom to have a sexual relationship.  Surely He didn’t look at them and think, “Oh, My Self!  I didn’t think they’d do that!”

That being said, and also qualifying that this must be a mutually agreed upon activity, I want to put down some parameters. First, I don’t think oral sex should be in place of regular, normal, vaginal sex.  If you want to engage in it as foreplay, knock yourselves out.  Scientific studies have shown the greatest orgasms—those that have the most potent release of hormones and endorphins and the most powerful and lasting physical effects—are not from oral sex, anal sex, or masturbating, but from regular vaginal sex.  If you are fully capable of regular sexual intercourse, but consistently use other things to replace it, you are missing out on the best of part of sex.

What I have trouble with is people who think that oral sex (or anal sex, masturbation, fantasy and all sorts of other things) is the best sex. A word of chastisement here, especially for guys—it’s not just about what someone is doing to you that matters.  Unfortunately, many men don’t get this because they have had their minds polluted through pornography that is all about what the woman does to the man and how she services him.  Often men want their wives to perform oral sex because it’s what they see in porn images in magazines, movies and on the internet and think that it’s really great sex. It may be for him if he’s getting what he think he wants, but not too fabulous for his wife.  So how is that making love to her, being a lover to the woman, and mutually satisfying?

Another reason that so many men prefer oral sex over the actual act of vaginal sex with their wives is due to the imprinting they received during their first sexual experiences.  I’ve written previously about the power of imprinting and how men learn to key off their initial encounters. So if a young man’s first experience is lust-filled oral sex with a woman, he incorrectly learns that’s what sex is. He will imprint on that particular type of sexual experience and it will be what he desires and thinks he needs for sex to be exciting. A man will continually want to relive that which he was so aroused by at the beginning.

Many couples make the mistake before they are married of doing “everything but intercourse”. What they fail to understand is that they are sexually imprinting on this kind of activity. Then once they are married when they can and should be having intercourse, frequently the guy is still drawn to those initial experiences and would rather have his wife perform oral sex because that is what he is keying off. And , Lord have mercy, in this day and age in our culture where oral sex is the equivalent of a hand shake and teens and young adults don’t really qualify it as “real sex”, it is bound to have a huge impact on the future sex lives of these people.

Let me address those of you who need to supplement and do other things like oral or manual stimulation to reach orgasm. Some people just can’t get there through vaginal intercourse and I get that.  Often the problem is that people have trained their bodies through masturbation so they won’t respond to anything else. I challenge you to work at this and give it your best effort to retrain your body to sexual intercourse. Guys, stop the yanking on yourself and asking for oral sex. (It gives more pressure so guys frequently want that since it’s closer to the sensation created by masturbating.)  Give your body a chance to learn to respond to the softness, touch and pressure of your wife’s vagina.  It can be a bit difficult and frustrating at first, but also a lot of fun to relearn sex with your mate! Wives who masturbate, you need to knock it off too and allow your body to become responsive to your husband.  Even if you were in to self-gratification in the past but have stopped for a while, it can take some time and effort for your body to adapt to other kinds of stimulation.

Another very important thing to consider is that men truly need to resurrect the art of being a lover to women.  Learn how to touch your wife, what pace and pressure she needs. With a little effort, patience, and guidance from the lady, most guys can figure out how to arouse her.  But, at the end of the day, there will be people that oral sex is the only option to get to “the promised land”; or maybe for medical or physical reasons they just can’t perform the act of intercourse, and that’s fine to supplement when necessary. You can still have a great time and enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse and you shouldn’t feel badly for going to an alternate method.

So as a fun, playful, part of sex, and under mutual agreement—not to be the standard staple of your sexual diet unless it is necessary—oral sex can have its place. Unfortunately for many people, and for all the wrong reasons, it has become the centerpiece of their sexual repertoire, replacing regular intercourse, and often only satisfying to one partner.  In my opinion, that’s a far cry from what the sexual relationship should be in a marriage.

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40 Responses to “Oral Sex in Marriage”

  1. Becky Harmon says:

    First let me thank you for the boldness you have in addressing issues that everyone is thinking about but so few of us actually address in a healthy way. God cares deeply about intimacy in prayer and in our marriage bed. In my experience coaching women who have experienced abuse sexually in their childhood, these issues definitely overlap into their marriage and they do not feel comfortable (or safe and spiritual at the same time) releasing themselves into enjoying their partners without shame. I agree whole-heartedly that bottom line is serving each other in love, practically, spiritually and sexually. Thanks again for your courage! Bec:)

    • Olivia says:

      This was a great article! Becky, you are on target!!! I am a 36 yr old married woman;for the past 11 years. I’ve been set free just this week from the bondage of shame and dirtiness I have felt from sexual abuse encountered as a child. I am now able to understand that it is ok for me to enjoy sex/bonding with my husband.

  2. Lori says:

    Bro. Mark … my spouse and I attended your recent seminar in Richmond, VA. We are currently separated. Quite frankly, we are not doing much talking at the moment, but I have to say that attending your seminar had us both laughing~! Following that seminar, we were able to communicate for quite some time that weekend. Thanks so much. Now, to the subject at hand. I want to say “thank you” for your honesty and frankness in discussing a lot of issues that have a lot of people in church hung up (no pun intended). As a survivor of sexual abuse, I have fought very hard to go against the “imprinting” that took place, which in my case was violent and painful. My spouse has his own imprinting, which is from self gratification and viewing a lot of porn. Prior to our separation and through God’s grace, I was able to tell him “I don’t that type of sexual relationship. I want to be loved for me and I want you to treat me and touch me gently and caring …” perhaps I’m going in to too much detail here, but I just want to say ‘THANK YOU.’ I have gained new insight and courage to communicate what is important to me with someone who is important to me. We have a long way to go, and only God knows the future, but I am willing to wait — pray while waiting — and continue commuicating with my spouse while I’m praying. Thanks again~!!!

  3. Stuart Tutt says:

    I love your books and my wife and I have watched Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage together. But in May my wife, Jennifer, told me she is longer “in” love with me. I can not fathom the phrase, seeing how she told me after we were married that God had told her she would marry me one day. I love my wife dearly and want nothing but happiness for her. How can I remind her that love is love and that I need her help and God’s help to meet her needs?

  4. Crystal says:

    I, my husband, & my in-laws attended the chick-fil-a meeting last night, which was great & lead me to your website this a.m. and I have to say I think what you are doing is just great! You are talking about serious stuff here & making it make sense & doing it all in a laid back way! THANK YOU! We all learned & laughed! I feel like I came out of the conference understanding my mate more & feel super excited to continue our marriage & continue to learn & laugh together as we watch your movies we got last night =) THANK YOU AGAIN! God is really using you!

  5. James Joseph Armato says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I’ve also read about oral sex references in Song of Solomon.

    But I’d like to know your opinion of this article by someone who claims that oral sex is unclean and originated with homosexuals. (I wonder how exactly this person knows and what proof this person has.) This person also seems to be saying that various sexual positions are sinful, too.

    The article focuses mainly on the issue of homosexuality, but I’d like to know your opinion on that part of the article. You’ll have to scroll down a bit to see the part I’m referring to, but it’s there.


    Thanks, Mark, and keep up the good work. God bless you! (And check out my book, whenever you can. If you want, I’ll even try to send you a copy.)

  6. Evangelist says:

    You can have a wonderful sexual ralatioship with your husband or wife without having engaging in oral sex at all.Since(sexual immorality) ponography and the like have influenced these types of activities ,do not ever think that they can add flavour to your sexual life rather they are destroying many Christians because these activities are demon controlled and many christians are not aware of it including the author of this subject.We speak of mysteries unseen to the human eye but are being revealed to those who are deep in Christ.God is holy and if you can understand this deeply ,your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit so if you are controlled by the Holy Spirit you will know but if you are controlled by Sucubus(female demon that sleeps with men)and Incubus(male demon that sleeps with women)and Antibiyas(demon that controls/brings sexual images to your mind),you will know by the activities you engage into.I hope God gives you spiritual to see what we see and blessed are those who hear what we hear in the name of the Father,the Son and the Holy Spirit.

    • The Joel says:

      Evangelost is right in his assertion that “You can have a wonderful sexual ralatioship with your husband or wife without having engaging in oral sex at all,”
      But after that I have trouble agreeing with anything he says.

      I’d like to remind you, even if oral sex were the result of demonic influence upong mankind (It isn’t), our God is much stronger than any demonic influence. Jesus has raised us up and made us overcomers seated with Him in heavenly places. There is no demonic force that can harm a true Christian. None.
      The only power the devil has over us is what we give him, often through fear.
      Paul told the Corinthians that meat sacrificed to idols was okay, because what they were grateful to God for was sanctified. This was meat sacrificed to demons, yet demons had no power over these Christians, so it was allowable.
      Believe me, I thnk God when oral sex is a part o foreplay, so even if it had roots in demonic activity, it is now a sanctified activity.
      The devil roars LIKE a lion, Jesus IS a lion, and he’s on your side.
      I’m not saying you have to engage in any sexual activiy, my major concern is a powerless lif lived in fear because the devil is hiding behind every rock.
      You are a saint, an overcomer, a son of God. We win. Don’t worry so much.

  7. Dasha M. says:

    Hi Mark!!! Thank you for writting about oral sex in the marriage. I think lots of christian people misunderstand what is valid in marriage. Please I would like to know when are you coming to Puerto Rico. Believe me, that would be awesome. Please considerate. Thanks and God Bless!

  8. Angie says:

    Growing up my mother always told me not to put anything in my mouth that wasn’t food and that God’s intentions for my mouth was for food.

  9. Carnell says:

    This is a sound post on how Believers are to approach this issue of sexual choices, specifically oral sex.

    We will say that a barrier to becoming more sensitive may be maturbatory habits but it is also, in very large part, our restrictive attitude toward sexuality. A creativity-averse attitude toward sex does affect the body’s sexual response cycle and makes physical enjoyment difficult in both men and women. This invites introduction of external stimulation to promote sexual enjoyment.

    Our (Christians’) fears about how sexual desire can lead us astray often competes with the grace that can be found in a healthy and creative sex life within our Christian marriages. The enemy of our souls uses our fears and ignorance to cast snares and to foil us.

    Our hope is that the Body of Christ is moving toward an attitude about sex and sexual foreplay that is as focused on its virtues as its vices.

  10. Dave says:

    Thoroly enjoyed your recent seminar in Lima, NY! Can’t remember when I laughed sooooo hard! Will keep you in prayer for your travel & ministry–truly the Church needs your message now, of renewal & restoration. After all, strong marriages build strong families, build strong churches!
    IN Christ,
    ps- what band were you in in the 70′s??

  11. Jorge Luiz says:

    Dear Mr Gungor, although your saying is quite undestandable for me, some points about oral sex remain unclear. Being the purpose of sex the perpetuation of the species, what would be the use of oral or anal sex in sexual relations? It seems to me to more a perversion of our bodies than an alternative to our mission on earth. Please clarify that to me and forgive my English since it is not my mother language.

    • The Joel says:

      I don’t know what Mr. Gungor would think, but I would say that reproduction is only one of the purposes of sex. Pleasure and intimacy are a couple of these purposes.

  12. gengwall says:

    “Another reason that so many men prefer oral sex over the actual act of vaginal sex with their wives is due to the imprinting they received during their first sexual experiences.”

    This is dead on. I was obsessed with oral sex because of my first sexual experiences. Within marriage, that obsession drove me to pornography and away from regular intercourse with my wife. We have survived that crisis and enjoy a much more fulfilling sex life now. But, that original imprinting STILL haunts me now and again. Your warnings are so, so needed because the way we imprint on out-of-marriage sexual experiences can have devastating effects even when both partners are willing and loving within the marriage. God bless you and thank you for your willingness to address the tough issues.

  13. Enio Hincapie says:

    Me encanta los apartes publicados en youtube sobre la historia de los cerebros o diferencias entre hombre y mujer. Son algunas que he podido ver con subtitulos en espanish. Puedo acceder o tener la conferencia completa subtitulada al spanish y cuanto me costaria? Claro teniendo en cuenta que vivo en Cali (Colombia)


    Mi comentario es que es fenomenal. Preferiria subtitulada que traducida.

  14. Octavia says:

    Thank you so much for your boldness in addressing this issue. It is so refreshing to have men and women in the Body of Christ that are willing to respond to the practical everyday questions of life. I agree with your response totally!

  15. Henry Taylor says:

    I am a clinical psychologist from a small coastal town is South Africa, called Amanzimtoti. I managed to get my hands on your material “laugh your way to a better marraige”, and loved it.
    I use a lot of the information in my session with married couple, and unmaried couples.
    I have fantastic result with it because of the humour in your material, that makes them relax.
    Thank you so much for that.

    I was wondering if you have similar material on parent/teenager relationships, as i have unbelievable request from people who are reaching break point with there teens, and vice versa.

    Hoping to hear from you
    Henry Taylor

  16. Viv says:

    My husband and I are vying to outdo each other in earning “dings”–that is when we go out of our way to do something nice for our mate, knowing in advance it will be a blessing:). It is always fun to hear “ding, ding, ding,” meaning you really went over the top with that action! Thanks so much for explaining the glory of “dings!!”

  17. alyson Boe says:

    I have to admit that oral sex has saved our sex lives recently. We had an unplanned baby and after the experience I went through I am too afraid to have sex again until my husband can get a vasectomy. We live in a place now where he is not comfortable doing that, its in a rather remotish part of Alaska. Thankfully he is really happy with the oral sex bit which I dont mind at all and it works for me since I can get around the vaginal sex until I am totally sure we are not at risk for any kind of pregnancy ever again (I will prob also be getting an IUD as well just to be on the safe side). So I have to say, oral sex is not at all bad or traumatizing quite wonderful, carries no pregnancy risk and he is quite good at it as well, although I am not quite ready for it from him yet either for physical reasons. So I must disagree with Mark that sometimes it can really save the day and the marraige too I guess. We really are doing really well with this system, although I will be glad when I can be on the recieving end of it to. I dont have to worry about going through what I went through again and will still be able to be happy again physically, even before he can get the vasectomy… So I would never knock this and I am more than glad it exists….

  18. alyson Boe says:

    And to Jorge, yes the purpose of sex is perpetuation of the species but it is also love and for some people like me, perpetuating the species was a REALLY REALLY AWFUL experience. AWFUL. One i never intend to do again. So I am glad that I can at least recieve love physically without the fear of perpetuating the species again. Maybe God had in mind people like me when he designed this wonderful activity!!!!

  19. Mike says:

    I learned this from a Hebrew Scholar,
    Read Ruth Chapter 3 with this in mind:
    the Phrase “uncover his feet” is an ancient Hebrew euphemism for a BJ
    (Imagine how awkward it would be to have you’re Mother-in-law tell you to give a man a BJ so he’ll marry you.)

  20. Lynn says:

    you have left out seniors. I have a wife 15 years younger. I am 66 and still want to make love often, but my wife is in Menopause and has low libido and painful intercourse. oral sex has been our way of connecting. She enjoys me orally and I love it. There are women who prefer oral sex. intercourse is both people enjoying. wake up, it not a competition about who gets off first.

  21. Audrey says:

    PLEASE do not be fooled. Sodomy refers to anal or roal sex between someone of the same sex AND opposite sex. I grew up thinking that it was okay but fortunately I’m still a virgin and have been corrected before I enter marriage. Anal sex and oral are considered unnatural for many reasons. Anal intercourse can cause disruption and complications as well as bacteria and viral issues. As for oral sex, if you honestly think about it, before you were ever introduced to the idea….would you ever think to put your mouth on the place someone uses the bathroom? All types of germs and excretion of urine accumulate throughout the day that should not be “tasted” or ingested orally. We were made to believe that this was normal through media and other sources but it’s not. God never intended sex to be harmful or to potentially make us sick. Many things may feel or seem good but know that there are dark spirits who pervert and twist God’s holy designs that He originally made pure for His people.

  22. Joe says:

    You made some exceptional points on your site. I believe that times have changed in regards to sex in the bedroom, just like it has changed in other areas of christian living. I don’t believe that God is surprised by anything that we came up with in the bedroom. Personally as long as sex remains between a husband and wife, and the agree to the sexual act is reasonably should be fair game. Don’t get me wrong sin is sin and God won’t wink at it! If they bible says don’t, then we shouldn’t, but there is a lot left open to interpretation.
    God gave married couples the gift of sex, so they wouldn’t burn with passion.

  23. Dutchess says:

    Hi there

    Firstly I want to thank you Mark for the wonderful seminar, we have finished the seminar last week in South Africa. It was a real eye opener for me and my boyfriend. We wished that we could have known it at an earlier stage.

    What I really want to know, is what about sex dreams? How can we prevent it? I have read that its natural and so on, but would like your comment on it. My boyfriend is done masterbating but he is having sex dreams now right next to me. Its kind of upsetting me a bit, cause he wakes me with his movements and then I cant go back to sleep. What to do?

  24. Aaron says:

    Audrey got it right. Sodomy is not only anal sex with two men, but also oral/anal sex with people of the opposite sex and beastiality. It is condemned by God. Deuteronomy 23:17 says that there should be no sodomite among the sons of Israel nor a whore among the daughters of Israel. In Romans 1:26-27, the word for natural means growth by germination, natural production and figuratively native usage. So women changed the natural use to that which is against nature. What do lesbians practice? Oral sex. Then it says likewise also the men leaving the natural use of the woman worked that which is unseemly (in the Greek that means pudenda, or sex organ). So if in like manner men left the natural (penis into vagina) use for unnatural use, that means that whatever two sodomites or two lesbians practice is unnatural. What do two sodomite men practice? Oral sex and anal sex. There are also many more graphic things which they do but would not benefit this discussion. Also if you look up Numbers 25:1-3, the Israelite men committed fornication with the Moabite women and sacrificed to their god Baalpeor. In Hebrew, baal means lord and peor means gap or opening. Lord of the gap/opening or vagina (could be anus). They ate things sacrificed to idols. Back then there were temple prostitutes who would consecrate themselves to the demon gods and then people would have sex with them to give an offering to the demon. So a man could “eat things sacrificed to idols” (her vagina or anus) or they could leave a seed offering in her of their semen. Onan displeased God by spilling his seed in Genesis 38:8-10 and the sexual organs are unclean when discharge comes out in Leviticus 15. You can also look up Hindu temples and find explicit pornographic acts including oral sex. There’s no way around it. Oral sex is sin. Not to mention all the bacteria that you can get inside your mouth. Do you really think God would condone an unclean act like that?

    • michelle says:

      THANK YOU Aaron! You are so right about this. I have been searching for answers about this as it never felt “normal” to engage in this act with my husband. I’ve been searching and I feel fully convicted that it is sin now.

  25. Pinky says:

    This is so true.my man never asked for oral sex.he doesnt force me to do it and we have a great sex life.its only about mutual understanding.

  26. clay says:

    I read in many sights where somebody is always trying to justify anal sex.
    The Bible does say specifically, that; a man shall not lay with another man as a woman.It also states that; the marriage bed is not defiled.As God has destroyed civilzations because of sodomy, and other similar practices, such as pre- marital, adultery,relatives, cousins, the daughter and the mother of a second marriage, etc. However there it’s no stated verse that says definatively anything against oral sex between a married man and wife..
    I think that clarification is needed for that particular issue. ..that ib no way is the anus an entrance…
    Interestingly; the lips, the labia, and the glans are all similar tissue…perhaps a poor rule of thumb… But it may serve as a reference..

  27. Tony Conrad says:

    Best I heard on the subject. Brilliant. It also covers other things couples may do in the bedroom. As I now have partial ED we are now concentrating on others things otherwise there would be no sex at all.

  28. Dawn says:

    This may be true but the writer must be a man because you’d know 92 percent of women CANNOT ORGASM FROM VAGINAL SEX!! NINETY TWO PERCENT !!!!!! BEVAUSE OUR CLITORIS IS NOT IN OUR VAGINIA! Educate yourself & then realize why women prefer oral stimulation..so oral could be optional or interchangeable for men but for a woman it’s a necessity .. If men only knew

  29. Amy says:

    I would just like to have my husband take an interest in me. Been married 47years and had sexx
    Once. He hates sex, intimacy and anything to do with marriage and me. He lives in our basement and I upstairs. For me it has been a sad and lonely life.

  30. PDBHDK says:

    This article made me feel better! I don’t think I would be able to perform oral sex, much less receive it. This article validated my feelings and basically affirmed that I am not “wrong” to feel the way I do.

  31. Robin Connelly says:

    Most of these comments relate to woman serving man, I would posit that, as in our marriage, man can / should serve the woman — her arousal is slower, and we have found that she can be fully lubricated with just my saliva and the ensuing vaginal secretions. She likes it and frankly so do I — as I know I am giving to her.

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