Addicted to Porn?

There are things in life that we typically don’t think twice about until something changes or impacts our normal day-to-day activities. For instance, usually there is no reason to be concerned about things such as saying hello and greeting someone with a handshake or a hug. But that can change dramatically during times of crisis or epidemic (real or potential) and people have to consider that they are not in a “business-as-usual” situation. Take for instance the recent scenario of H1N1 in our country. For the first time people in the public sector were dealing with something that would ordinarily never be an issue. Even pastors at churches were making decisions as to the safety of something as simple as greeting those around you at a Sunday morning church service. Again, the rules changed because of the circumstances around us.

I present to you a problem in the area of relationships—specifically dating—in which the rules must change because of the circumstances we find ourselves in. I am convinced that the presence of pornography is so prevalent and damaging that indeed, it is an epidemic in our country. Because of the widespread use of pornography, and connected to that masturbation, dating isn’t what it used to be. Things in our culture like “friends with benefits”, “hooking up”, dating and sleeping with multitudes of people, waiting for marriage until you are thirty-something, and other nonsense have completely changed what dating is all about. But make no mistake, pornography is an ever-present thread that is interwoven through all of it.

In generations past no woman would have thought to ask these questions of her male suitor: Do you look at porn? Are you involved in self-gratification? Today in our culture when this type of behavior is rampant, it is absolutely necessary for women to have these conversations during the dating process. Not to say that turn-about is not fair play, because women can also be involved in this destructive behavior and guys can ask the questions too; but it is primarily men who are caught up in this plague. It may sound like I’m a bit of an alarmist to some, but it truly is a plague and we have yet to see the full impact of the devastation that lies ahead of this country because of it.

Due to modern media—especially the internet—boys are exposed to very sexually explicit and pornographic material at an earlier age than ever. Some reports say as young as 8-11 years of age and the availability and ease of access creates conditions where it’s quite simple to be pulled into the lure of it all. Combine that with sex education programs and experts galore all over the TV, internet, in books and magazines telling people that masturbation is normal, natural, good for you and that it leads to a great sex life, and we have a recipe for disaster.

The truth—and one which you will rarely hear anyone say—is that pornography and masturbation will ruin your sex life. Women dating guys who are into it have the right and absolutely should know if he is bringing this garbage into a marriage where it can wreck all kinds of havoc in the relationship. But if the “experts” are saying that it’s good for us, how is it that I can make such a statement? Because the proof is in the countless number of women and men that I talk to and get emails from telling me that their sex lives and relationships are suffering because of porn and masturbation. Because I hear of couple after couple where the guy (usually but not always) has no interest in making love to his wife but would rather just take care of his own needs. Because I continually hear the heartache from women who can’t figure out why their husbands aren’t giving them any kind of a physical relationship—that’s why I can say it. Far too often porn and masturbation are the culprits. And usually it’s been a problem since the guy was young.

Ladies, once you start getting serious about a guy you are dating, you positively have to look that man in eye and ask him straight out: “Do you look at porn and masturbate?” If he can answer easily and readily with an unequivocal “no”, good! He is worth keeping and building a life with—assuming everything else adds up in the marital equation for you. If he hems and haws, won’t look you in the eye, dodges the question or outright tells you “yes”, then you need to seriously consider dumping the guy. Even if he tells you that he has had issues in the past but is over it, tread carefully and really check this out. It still may not be a good idea, because this kind of old habit dies very hard and he may end up in the mess down the road and this time you’ll be dragged in too. Is the man truly past it? Is he repentant and clean from it for some time? Does he relapse or occasionally turn to it as a comfort, escape or to fill a void?

Too many people, men and women alike, make the mistake of thinking that it will be fine, it will all go away and won’t be an issue once they are married and having sex regularly with their spouse. But that is not the way it works. Men and women both train their bodies and minds to respond to a type of stimulation that marital sex—no matter how fabulous it is—can’t match. You simply cannot practice something day after day for years and think that it’s not what your mind and body will become used to. I hear heartbreaking stories of couples who struggle with one or the other not being able to even achieve orgasm in “normal” ways with their spouse. They just can’t get there without doing it themselves or without the aid of porn or appliances. Men and women who prefer to gratify themselves rather than have a sexual relationship with their spouse. That is just sad and it certainly isn’t great sex as all the experts promise.

We positively must get this message out to our young people. Adults need to realize that porn is not what it was in the days of pin up posters in your mechanic’s shop. It is so much more than that. It’s no longer “boys being boys looking at scantily clad women”. Parents, you need to talk to your kids and teach them that there is a danger to this stuff and damage that can occur, despite what they are hearing in the messages of this culture. Teach your young people before they go down a path that can ruin their sex lives in marriage and bring disaster to their future relationship. Boys need to stay away from it, and girls need to stay away from boys who don’t.

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45 Responses to “Addicted to Porn?”

  1. Nappyhed says:

    I am living proof of what this article states. For the first time in 35 years I have learned to achieve orgasm WHILE LOOKING MY HUSBAND IN THE FACE. No fantasy or porn induced preferences in my mind. Just LOVE AND INTIMACY AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BEFORE THE DESTRUCTION OF MY SEX LIFE THANKS TO PORN!!
    Please do not believe the comments about mb and p is harmless. Please turn to your spouse, your loved one, for gratification before it is too late. NOTHING in the world replaces REAL INTIMACY WITH A LIVING LOVING PARTNER.

  2. Jessica says:

    I love this, I am so passionate about this subject and feel like I am being called to do something but I have no idea what! My husband had this problem and it has put a huge burden on our otherwise good marriage. He has stopped looking since he has received Christ but still struggles with not doing this. Thank you for your time to sit and write that!

  3. Barry says:

    You’re a nitwit wrapped up in a moron!!! The reason why you defend porn and masterbation is because a) you’re someone with a degree promoting and defending the stuff b) you were brainwashed by by someone who was c) you’re e-mailing from the Playboy mansion.

    There is so much evidence to prove how harmful porn and masterbation is, that for you to defend this stuff shows how naive and foolish your statements are.

    Mark isn’t the ONLY one saying this either…besides other people who’ve experienced this first hand, even the sex-offenders throughout the whole spectrum are admitting this!

    If you want to continue doing it, fine…but don’t try to “smokescreen” it for those who don’t know or aren’t sure yet. You don’t have to be an “expert” to realize that…even a child knows it’s unsafe to walk on the edge of Grand Canyon.

    (PS: I’m not Mark, Debbie or Lynne.)

  4. Vernie says:

    1. People will always, always justify their own position even if deep underneath they know they are wrong.
    2. Just because 99% of the population does something. Does that prove it’s right?
    3. How can fantastizing about another be at all beneficial to a marriage???? Don’t begin to tell me that by looking at Porn you don’t think of another = Adultry.

    • Sam says:

      As a person who has had to deal with this first hand, I have a few salient comments. First of all, porn is destructive. There are medical studies that show that a diet of porn has physical effects on the brain, much in the way that other addictuve substances does. Same goes for violent video games. This is supported by CAT scans of brain tissue. The brain can recover at least somewhat when the poison is removed, again supported by CAT scans and actual medical information.

      Second, in my experience, porn addiction desensitizes the partner using, making it far easier, and often seemingly desireable to indulge in a physical affair, since there is no way your partner (usually the wife) can rise up to the expectations created by porn. The residual images of the porn tend to remain in the brain, and sometimes crop up when least expected, again awakening unrealistic expectations.

      Third, the women in those videos are often exploited, abused, and threatened. How is that possibly beneficial?

      A good resource to read is a book called “Behind Closed Doors – Christians and Pornography” by Dr. Robert J. Baird.

      The only possible difference of opinion I have is the use of ‘appliances’. In a loving, respectful marriage relationship, some ‘appliances’ can be used to lovingly enhance the physical experience. I do caution, however, that respect and love be the guiding factors. It should never be forced, coerced, or otherwise threatened, and if one partner is not okay with it, it’s out. I do think it’s permissible to read books on the subject of how to better please your spouse sexually; however, they should not be ‘smut’ books, and the emphasis should be on learning anatomy and emotional connection. After all, the mind is the most powerful sex organ there is.

  5. Anne says:

    Anyone that doesn’t think this is a problem in a marriage is just kidding themselves. I speak from experience. Pornography and masterbation does serious emotional harm to a marriage. What may be considered normal for a 13 year old boy is not normal for an adult you is in a loving marriage. It is cheating and adultry, and eventually that form of escape takes over the person and they can no longer relate to anyone on an emotional level. Therre are problems and stress all through life and escaping them to make yourself feel better isn’t healthy no matter what. If there is a man you can’t go without sexual stimulation for awhile, needs it to survive it is a problem.

  6. Janine says:

    I am personally battling with the very issue of my husband’s addiction to masturbation / pornography. The so-called “sex-experts” are so far off base when they conclude this type of behaviour is “healthy” for a relationship. Take a little advice from one who is in the battle of her life … this is an addiction & it will destroy any relationship if not addressed! I truly believe that the Lord will save my marriage and free my husband from his addiction. I will not become part of the divorce statistic. Sex is intended to be shared with your spouse and only your spouse – the benefits are off the charts. Anything less and you’ll eventually fall flat on your face.

  7. P Swihart says:

    I think your emphasis on the pervasive problem of porn, increasingly with females as well as males, is a good one. However, Christian mental health professionals in the field do not necessarily see porn and masturbation as somehow equivalent, as you seem to imply. Certainly they are frequently co-occuring. However as Dr. James Dobson has noted, lust and adultery in the mind (porn included) are clearly sins according to Scripture. However, there is no Scripture that defines masturbation per se as a sin. Dr. Dobson has very clearly stated that if the Bible states that a behavior is sin, it is sin, no debate whatsoever, However, if the Bible does not label or speak to a behavior as a sin, Christians are never at liberty to just make up their own rules, as did the Pharasees, and add to the Scriptures by declaring that it is a sin. This is an abuse of Scripture and this can load people with false guilt. The underlying rock bottom principle is respect for the authority and integrity of the Scriptures and not about masturbation. I agree. Not all Christians agree with Dr. Dobson, making a stretch that cannot be sustained and teaching that since porn and masturbation are usually (but not always) co-occuring, then we can state that the Bible declares masturbation to be a sin in all cases. This is not accurate. Obviously masturbation can be closely assoicated with sexual sins , for example, using masturbation as a way of denying a spouse and refusing to meet his or her normal sexual needs, which is defined by Scripture as a sin.

    • Lisa says:

      God didn’t put man and wife together for the man to self-gratify. His needs are to be met by his wife and vice versa. This is God’s design. Masturbation leads to a lack of intimacy in marriage. When a man’s needs are met by his wife, his desire becomes strong for her. In turn, she feels loved and wanted, which brings about a sense of security. I once heard a Christian expert on this subject say a man’s brain becomes hard-wired toward his wife and he connects sexual satisfaction and arousal to his mate. When a man is looking at thousands of different women and masturbating, his brain becomes hard-wired to that and there is no special sexual connection to his wife.

      • ken says:

        I agree that porn can be addictive and destructive. Now, about masturbation. Lisa, you say that “masturbation leads to a lack of intimacy”. It sure can. But, lack of intimacy can lead to masturbation. Consider the common situation where the wife’s sexual desire is much less frequent than the husband’s. Especially when there are several young children in the home and mom is just tired every night. What if the husband has desire twice a week and the wife, once a month? After a few years of that, maybe it is better for the husband to masturbate a little and let the wife get her sleep. Any wives have any thoughts on this?

    • GR says:

      But how can someone masturbate without a single lustful thought? If you don’t look at porn, but you are masturbating and thinking about the woman you saw at the store or who you work with, isn’t that lust? Imaging sex with someone else other than who you are married with in order to have an orgasm is not lust?

  8. Old fashion says:

    Deep in my heart of hearts I “know” in my knower that Mark Gunger is 100% accurate about the undetermined unidentified damages to sexual interest which porn and masturbation have done to our purity. I have been ridiculed and made fun of because I dont do either, nor does my husband. Oddly enough those making fun of us are divorced, usually more than once, and place sex as the MOST important part of the marriage and they dont seem to want to be exclusive with their spouses. Exclusivity goes a long way when times are hard and the chips are down, simply being exclusive has helped hold my marriage intact. Thanks Mark for being one person that speaks of the value of marriage and purity.

  9. Michael Patterson says:

    I agree that this is an epidemic problem. however, if the statistics are correct, over 85% of the men would have to answer “yes” or “I have but am now over it” to the question. If your advice is to reject those men, our Christian women will run out of choices very quickly. I think the better answer is to bring in a Christian counselor and make sure the young man has good mentoring. Caution is good, but the gospel can bring victory if given a chance.

  10. deb says:

    I can tell you from personal experience that porn does ruin a relationship/marriage- it’s to the point that whenever I’m not home he runs to the computer to “look”-I even caught him in the family room,masterbating to porn on the computer-I was upstairs & went downstairs for something & caught him!!!!!i’ve told him over & over again that we can have sex just about everynight if he wanted to!but throughout our marriage i have found magazines, movies & now porn sights on the computer! what’s up with him?

  11. Cindy says:

    great article. Your newsletters an programs are fabulous and have made a great impact in my life. I like what you are doing with the interviews. Debbie C is a nice balance and I love that Debbie the Red is in the audience supporting her man. Thanks and keep up the good work.

  12. Lisa says:

    I am so glad you addressed this. When I discovered that my husband was heavy into pornography, I was devastated. I looked for information and help but really couldn’t find much on the subject. We were actually dating at the time and I went on to marry him anyway. Everything you said here is true. Our sex life was not good. I was always more interested and enthusiastic than he was. He was not able to achieve an orgasm without masturbation. He was only into the sex for the end goal of orgasm. Sex had to be like porn. It was always “sex” as opposed to “making love”. There was never any tenderness or intimacy. My husband was satisfied viewing porn and masturbating and preferred it over an intimate relationship with me. And I am attractive, in shape, clean, and very much enjoy sex. Much of the time I would be the one to initiate it. Affection was non-existent in our marriage. Any touch had to be sexual. We ended up getting divorced, not entirely because of the porn, but the porn addiction and my insecurities about it and my husband’s lack of interest in me largely contributed to the decision to divorce. Satan is alive and well and is using pornography to prevent couples from having fulfilling, intimate relationships. Pornography destroys relationships, marriages and families.

  13. Lisa says:

    These are all the signs of pornography addiction. This situation sounds very similar to my own. If you are a Christian, don’t give up on your spouse. Has he ever received Christ as Savior? Some of the experts say you absolutely have to confront your spouse and tell them their behavior is not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. I say start praying and fasting, read and pray God’s word for your spouse and situation. Believe God to heal him. Also I heard a Christian expert who was formerly addicted to porn, say the addict has to confess his sin and become accountable to someone, like a close male Christian friend or church member or pastor.

  14. MJ says:

    I can sypathize with all women out there who have had their marriages/relationships destroyed by this evil. I have been married to a man for 9+ years that is addicted to porn. Our physical relationship is nonexistent. We have not had sex for 4 years, and the past several encounters were all initiated by me and weren’t finished. Our marriage is basically in name only. I live with it for the sake of our son. He just turned 8 and I don’t want him to have to suffer for my husband’s sins. I have gone through the entire range of emotions- thinking it was me, thinking it was another woman, wondering if he’s secretly gay, feeling anger, feeling sickened, feeling sad. I have come to realize it isn’t me, it is a problem that is rooted in sin and will have to be dealt with by my husband. He insists he’s stopped, but I know better. He is pretending NOT to have a problem and until he admits it and truly repents, God will not intervene on his behalf. Meanwhile, our marriage is dead, and short of a miracle from God above, I don’t know if it can ever be revived. Men, please think about how this is destroying marriages and families. Step up to the plate and be strong men of God and teach your sons by word and example that porn is wrong and that it doesn’t honor God or their future wives!

  15. Lynet says:

    You touched on at least one issue that has nothing to do with pornography when you said “I hear heartbreaking stories of couples who struggle with one or the other not being able to even achieve orgasm in “normal” ways with their spouse. They just can’t get there without doing it themselves or without the aid of porn or appliances.”

    It’s a well-documented fact that no more than one third of women regularly orgasm through “normal” ways — if by “normal” you mean standard sexual intercourse. Given the lower rates of porn use among women, it’s impossible for pornography to be the culprit here. Most women just aren’t built to be able to orgasm from vaginal sex, it’s as simple as that.

    Still, masturbation doesn’t have to be solitary and it doesn’t have to involve thinking about or looking at people other than your partner. If your partner is right there with you, it can even deepen your understanding of each other.

  16. Michelle says:

    I could not agree more with Mark’s article! If I had known then what I know now comes to mind. I too fell into the misbelief our society gives that porn and masturbation are ok for a marriage or even good for some marriages. Shortly after my husband and I were married I asked my husband if he looked at porn and he shyly said he did. Anything your spouse is embarrassed about can’t be good! At the time, I dismissed it. I told him I wished he didn’t look at such, but I understood from all those “experts” that it was ok and not harming us.

    Fast forward to a few years later when trying to conceive our first child. My husband was not able to climax with me! He only had done this 1 time in our marriage, on our wedding night. I believed he never climaxed with me for fear of getting me pregnant, but here we were trying to get pregnant…something was wrong. I wanted him to go to a doctor, but he refused. After many months of trying and not understanding I started to ask and realize that masturbation was involved with the pornography. He had lost all sensation for normal sex. We eventually through a lot of painful sexual gymnastics finally were able to conceive.

    Fast forward to the last year (we are in our 30′s) where we no longer slept in the same bed, had not had sex for a year, and were facing certain divorce, but still remained each other’s best friend. We started seeing a secular counselor with little improvement. We were Christians, in every other way had a good marriage, but we fell into our societies beliefs of what was right and wrong for a marriage regarding porn and masturbation.

    Through multiple times hearing our Pastor preach that pornography is a sin, we finally “got it!” We saught and are still seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We are learning what God truly intended for marriage and oneness. We took the “Setting Captives Free” course online that helps the victim and abuser of pornography. We read multiple books on the issue and are in such a better place in our marriage now!

    Today we have sex at least twice a week, and my husband is able to climax without the gymnastics involved. He has been free from sexual impurity for about 2 months. At first it was tough for him he couldn’t even sleep in bed beside me, but slowly his mind has shifted. Now he beats me to bed some nights. :-) I imagine we will always need to shelter his eyes from seeing lustful things that will remind him of the pictures he use to see and the immoral thoughts he use to have. Our counselor advised that for all couples he has facing these issues that he advises the women to help the husband avoid such temptations. By getting rid of swimsuit issue magazines, avoiding shows that have a soft porn feel, etc. To help keep the husbands eyes towards God and all that is holy!

    I wrote all this so those reading this article will have a true story example of the devastation porn can cause to a marriage. I agree that it is Satan at it’s worse…he wants marriages to break up. Even polite responses describing the “experts” beliefs about the benefits of porn are just another Satan disguise. I hope those individuals will come to find the Lord before spending enternity in hell with the one who has so fooled them.

    If looking for more in the Bible regarding this, 1 Corinthians 6: 12-20 discusses fleeing from sexual immorality. Also looking up any verses referencing lust will provide more information.

    God bless Mark for bringing this topic to light! I hope it benefits many, many people!

  17. susan says:

    I appreciate this article for the reason I innocently got involved and married a man with a porn addiction. I had no idea this was something he was in, he hid it well and for the first year of our marriage we were fine. He said he was a christian, we regularly attended church and prayed together. Suddenly our intimacy stopped and when I questioned him he gave no response. Then we got a computer and he became obsessed with it, on it all hours of the day and night, sleeping in his truck instead of supervising his crews for his business. I received calls from other contractors who could not reach him for important decisions etc. It all came to a head, I tried to get him to counseling but he was too obsessed with the porn and the woman he “hooked up” with to let go. We divorced.

    My message to women out there in the same situation is that even though I fought with all my soul for my marriage, God truly healed me through my divorce. God cares for us and wants the best for us and he was beside me all the way. I pray for all women in this situation that they will feel God’s compassion in a real way through out their struggle in a loveless marriage. God bless you for sharing this topic with everyone.

  18. Irene says:

    I agree 100% with what you have written in the above article concerning pornography in a relationship.I too believe that pornography has no place in a healthy relationship.It will only bring emotions of jealousy and inferiority into a marriage. Sex is between two people who love and care for one another and not meant to be displayed for others to watch and to bring self gratification with. Pornography will only bring destruction within a marriage. Enough said.

  19. David says:

    I met a lady in church Told her I needed to be a safe place for her.We would not have sex unless married!! NOT MY OLD PATTERN!!
    It did not work out as a long term relation ship and I realy
    apreciate her.There is so much more honesty.We can get great each other with a smile.God is ahowing me a diffrent kind of love.Realy cut porn.Lead a clean life get more spiritual strength. Oh thats Biblical!!

  20. rachel says:

    Hi my name is Rachel. The young man that I love and who loves me back watches porn. He used to be addicted to. I think now he watches it every once in a while. We like each other and we often talk about marriage. I feel like he is right for me, because we were good friends before we got in a relation it is so easy for us to be in love with each other. We haven’t made it offical yet because I don’t feel ready yet. In 3 months when I am taking to my parents then we will make it official. We are both Crhristians with strong values and personally I will not settled for a marriage that is not build upon the teachings of Christ. ButI know the beautiful life that I picture with him will not happen if he doesn’t completely give up pornography. Actually we were talking last night and I asked when was the last time he watched porn, and he said a month ago. I guess I wasnt surprised because I know it is a struggle for him. But I was disapointed because I want to be the only girl who he gets excited about and none other virtual ones. I told that if we were boyfriend/girlfriend it would be cheating on me. I don’t care about how some people rationalize it, but to me it is cheating. I told him that I will not put up with it. I told him he has 3 months to cure himself otherwhise I will not want him. when he said yes he will do it, I wasn’t convinced and so I told him again that I wasn’t kidding. I made him give me his word and he did. I told him since it is a sensitive subject I will leave him at peace with his own agency to work on it. I told him that in a month I will ask him again and he better tell the truth and most imprtantly get better at it. I guess lately I have really started to get the issue that porn is. I know that I don’t want to marry anyone who struggles with it. I’m glad that I know it is a struggle for him. I love him inspite of it because I know that none of us are perfect and we all have our weaknesses. My only hope is to help him. I understand that I have to help him by being a friend and avoid passing judgements. I can be my brother’s keeper. I can help with that because he is not just some guy that I like, he is my best friend as well and he is always there for me. My only concern now is if I should keep refering scriptures, self help links, addiction recovery stuffs to him? I think the best thing to do would be trusting him and giving him space to deal with it.

    • Jen says:

      Rachel,
      I just want to let you know that when I married my husband almost 5 years ago now, he had told me that he used to be into pornography, but that it was no longer a problem for him.. .well it wasn’t at the time. He knew I didn’t like it and that I was against him looking at pornography. About six months into our marriage he began looking at pornography, but he didn’t tell me and wouldn’t tell me about it and hid it from me and from that point on for about three years he was rarely interested in me sexually, never wanted to have any physical contact at all… my mind was boggled, i was stressed, I could not figure it out. Now some people would say well maybe she’s not good looking or this or that, trust me none of that is the case. I was confused for years, as i would get whistled at walking to work, but couldn’t get the slightest attention from my husband. Finally after so many years of this I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him I knew he was hiding something, but he wouldn’t come clean so I left. And after two weeks of me being gone and not speaking to him he asked me to come talk to him.. .so we did and he told me everything. I was devastated and relieved to finally know. Now it is something that we are working through, but it’s tough… and he wants to stop and he chooses to stop and he doesn’t really think he is addicted. But then before you know it he is right back at it again. Rachel be careful because it just keeps happening over and over and it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I know you are probably thinking this wont happen to me… but I too thought this wouldn’t happen to me. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death. Love helps keep us together, but porn addiction… it drives us apart.

  21. oona moore says:

    Hi,I’ve been with my husband for 11years now been married for 6yrs he is very addicted to porn and masturbation and he always trys to hide it from me we dnt have sex,rarely he is so unemotional,closed in with hisself and never wants to talk about things we just had a baby which is 2mnths old now but my main issue is that I have 21 year old daughter that is not his child she told me when she was 11yrs old and I was at work he made sexual advances towards her,he made her touch him while he was having an erection and told her this is what an erection feels like and he made her sign some paper swearing she wouldn’t tell anyone she said she locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and got in the bathtub and he was turning the doorknob trying to get in she said she finally opened the door and he hugged her and told her he was sorry,the next incident I was in florida and she said he called her upstairs and told her he had been having fantasies about them having oral sex and what could she do to fullfill it he said he would pay her and get her nails and hair done like he does for her momma and I’m just really blown away our marriage is on the verge of divorce every time I look at him I get sick so I asked him of course and he totally denide everything he stands his ground that he never did any of those things,I’m so confused I dnt know what to do but my heart blieves my daughter because he is so addicted that it could make him try anything and mind you she was only in the sixth grade please someone any answers will help….l

  22. Sheilla says:

    I have a few question:
    I have a fiance who used to watch porn in the past, but nowadays he makes his commitment trying to avoid porn and leaving his bad habit. but as human, my fiance still fall sometimes. He is not watching porn all the time, but there were times when he couldn’t handle his desire to watch porn, and he watched it. I know he is trying to change but still fall. yeah, I mean, change is not that easy, right? so, then, what’s your opinion? what should I do then???
    please contact me if you don’t mind. thanks a lot

    • James says:

      Actually, in my very own opinion, it’s normal for a guy of 20 or more to watch porn. It’s just how the guy controls himself. Watching porn could be good, that a guy won’t be attracted to girls solely for their physical shapes. Instead, he can see girls from their inner beauty. The case could indeed be different if the guy can not control himself. That makes him interested in girls just because of their physical beauty.
      Again, it all depends on how the guy thinks and controls himself.

  23. Ashlie says:

    My husband only watches porn when im not around he acts like i dont know when he gets new ones but i do. I even found out that last night while i was asleep he went out to the car with the laptop and watched his newest movie and masturbated! We have been together 7 years married 1 of those years i always knew he watched it ive left , yelled, broke them, cried, everything he says he doesnt have a problem except with me trying to babysit him. I’m soo stressed i dont know what else to do i think he wants me to leave i dont want to i just want to be picked over a movie! he use to only have one or two NOW he has over 50 of them i told him he needs help and he said i just need to leave him alone about it because im just jealous and insecure which im not. I just dont know what to do anymore i feel like i have no more emotions when he reallly holds me i feel like crying and now we only have sex once a week he blames it one me for not starting it but the only thing i seem to do to turn him on is go downtown. I use to do things like kissing him and dressing up but i got tired of him just sitting there! Every guy i asked says he crazy but i just want the old him back not this man who yells at me for asking him not to lie about not getting more movies. Help!

  24. Grace says:

    Yes I do agree with this article. My husband and I both were addicted to porn before getting married. I got delivered he continued to veiw porn until I discovered it. Instead of resisiting I joined him. Now we’re seperated because he’s been having an affair for the past 5 yrs. We had a very active sex life during the 10 yrs of our marriage. Here’s my question, although we’ve had sex @3 times during the last 17 months, we’re still apart, I want to have sex. What do I do?

  25. Lynn says:

    Your article on porn / masturbation was right on. I have educated myself because my daughter is engaged to a wonderful Christian man that is a recovering porn addict. Her fiancee meets on a regular basis with his Accountablity Partner, he’s going to a Professional Christian Counselor along with my daughter they meet with the couple to help with this issue. Her fiancee does not have cable, internet, at home or on his cell. Her fiancee meets weekly with a dear older Christian man for mentoring. When they get married he will have been out of porn for 3 years. What are your thoughts about this? I don’t want my daughter heading for major heartache. I know we all have pasts that God has forgiven us for & shows us mercy. My husband & I are thankful that her fiancee was honest with his past he told us together along with our daughter. They’ve been together for 16 months now. Engaged 7 months of that time. They’re not getting married for another year. Please respond back with your thoughts on this issue regarding my daughter, thanks so much. Her fiancee is very God honoring & has a sold out heart for God!

  26. Mark says:

    Thank you for making great points Mark however I respectfully disagree with one of your suggestions. You wrote that if a woman is dating someone who is/was a porn addict she should dump him. Statistically speaking, women will be left with very little options because the majority of men today, even religious ones, watch porn or masturbate.

    An alternative suggestion would be that if they are really getting along on deep matters and pornography addiction is at hand, they should seek counseling prior to committing. If the guy refuses, or doesn’t really take it seriously then yes I agree that this is a strong ground to dump him. However we shouldn’t encourage people to give up on one another that quickly.

    For those who are in such situations, I highly recommend checking out the Candeo Healthy Sexuality program which helps people recover from sex and porn addictions. You can find info about it here: http://www.pushofhope.com/candeo

  27. Reba says:

    As a woman who suffered with pornography addiction at a very young age, I 100% agree with this article. I so desperately wish someone would have told me about the dangers and harm it would cause on my future relationships. Unfortunately, now that I am married, I am seeing some of these issues/dangers arise. I would really like to see more materials and help for woman who suffer as it seems help for men is more prevalent, but according to statistics, woman are getting into it more and more. Thanks for sharing this article I pray it will touch lives of many!

  28. Kendra says:

    I loved this article. I’ve heard the secret hurts of young women and girls who struggle with this issue, so I’m glad you didn’t sweep them ubder the rug. But I have a question: how do we help those who are addicted heal? They need God’s grace and to run from their sin, but where should we point them? For the marriages healing from the aftermath, what do they do now? For the teens addicted and want help out but feel to dirty to share such sin, how do we help them release their chains?

  29. Christine says:

    My son will be 17 years old in January and he has been addicted to pornography since about age 13. I have tried to get him help but have been unsuccessful. I have reached out to my pastor, his councelors, state agencies & area hospitals but nobody has programs or knowledge to help him. He does not have internet access at home and has lost priveleges at school which makes it very difficult because much of his classes require the students to do research projects and web-based research essays. I have reached out to Dr. Phil and programs such as Turn About Ranch and Aspen Education group but cannot afford to pay $100,000 for a 9 month program. I want my son and our family to be free from this plague and I want my son to be able to have healthy relationships but I do not know what else I can do!

  30. Erin says:

    I have been married for approx. 2 years, my 2nd marriage. I have always felt that my husband has not been attracted to me, in the beginning not sure why, Now I know. Porn. I am not an ugly woman, yes, a bit overweight in the mid section and a bit bottom heavy, but not obese… and of course I attribute my husband’s lack of attention to my body to my weight. After reading and doing research I understand the issue, he is a great husband an amazing son, and brother but porn has destroyed our intimacy and sex life and after this morning I know it will never be the same – after suggesting certain acts that there are no way I am going to perform and then holding his hands over certain parts of my body and saying from here to here you are beautiful, and the rest “isn’t bad” how am I supposed to feel?? I cried – I will never compare to a porn star and feel my marriage is doomed – I love this man, but I love myself and I am gone no longer confident, and that has to change – he won’t admit there is a problem and denies looking at porn – I don’t believe it. trust is gone at this point. Help! can anyone tell me something that will help me!??!?

  31. SheenRe says:

    It is the absolute truth that porn and masturbation ruin marriages. My husband indulged until he can’t even perform marital sex any longer. So, I guess I get the option of divorce or infidelity.

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