Sexless Marriage? The Desire Myth

In a previous post I gave one possible explanation for why some married couples don’t have much of a sex life. Sexless marriage is a very common problem in millions of marriages today. As I’ve stated before, a sexless marriage is one where a couple engages in little to no sexual activity–anything less than ten times per year is considered to be sexless. There can be many reasons that contribute to this phenomenon—anything from health issues, kids and busy schedules, to pornography use, masturbation, issues due to past sexual abuse and serious problems or difficulties in the relationship. But there is one very simple misunderstanding in regard to sex I would like to address, and I truly think it can make a big difference for a lot of couples. Many, many people mistakenly think that you can only have sex if it is preceded by great desire and/or a huge emotional connection. But I say that neither is required every time to have a great sex life with your spouse.

Let’s deal with the desire issue first. The typical model says we first feel desire, then arousal, followed by the actual event of sex (intercourse)—but as I say in my Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage book and seminar, this is not true for millions of people! Many people don’t feel that great desire first and often don’t want to do it until they are actually doing it—then they are glad they did! Unfortunately, the misinformation that we have been given by so-called experts and the media in our culture has led most people to believe that both the man and woman always feel all this hot and heavy desire before they can have sex.

After all, that’s what TV, movies and novels portray—especially for women who are typically shown as provocative, chase-the-man-down vixens and then men (especially those into porn) wrongly expect their wives to be like that. On the other hand, many women who don’t have this overt, “clamoring-to-jump-in-the-sack” drive worry and think that there is something wrong with them, when it’s just not true. Most women have no problem having sex and are great lovers once they get started, even if they don’t act like the sex kitten, porn queen or “desperate housewife” that the media around us depicts.

What I hear consistently from couples is actually the flip side—it’s the men who have lower desire, lower sex drives and the wives are the ones who want to have more sex. Sometimes it is a physical issue or a problem with porn and masturbation, but not always. Some men are just wired to be low-key in the desire department. It can really mess with a dude’s head when he thinks there is something wrong with him because he’s not the red-hot Fabio or Don Juan type who is walking around in a state of perpetual readiness. Again, guys, if you don’t feel this rush of desire to begin with and your engines aren’t all revved and ready to blast off, don’t take that as a sign to mean that you shouldn’t have sex with your wife. More often than not, once you get on with it and you begin to engage your wife physically and you touch and connect with one another, those feelings of desire and arousal will come alive too.

People get so hung up on this desire thing. They feel awful if they themselves aren’t fueled by all this gigantic heat and passion, or they end up getting upset at their spouse and in turn make him or her feel horrible because, “You don’t desire me or pursue me! You never initiate!” Here is a word to you higher-desire people: Don’t pressure or demand a show of intense desire from your lower-desire spouse. When you criticize your husband or wife and expect them to be all hot and heavy and the initiator, it ends up making them feel horrible.

Seriously, we have to stop with all this nonsense. It’s just plain foolish and counter productive. Everyone wants to be wanted, I get it. It would be really great to feel like your husband or wife was dying with desire for you, but not everything is about what we want. There are lots of things that we want in life, but they just don’t always happen that way. I want to get paid and not have to work. I want to never have to pay taxes. I want to never have to clean the house or deal with dirty dishes or laundry. Who cares what you want!?

To have a successful life and marriage, you don’t live by what you want or feel. So don’t sit there never having sex, feeling bad about yourself or mad at your spouse because of what you wish they were like or what you wish you felt. In the words of Nike: Just do it! Try it! You’ll see, it will great and I bet you’ll both enjoy yourselves! And remember…it truly doesn’t matter who starts it or what your desire level is.

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45 Responses to “Sexless Marriage? The Desire Myth”

    • Miranda says:

      Lisa, I lived this for years. I wish I would have been able to read this stuff years ago, it would have saved my husband and myself a whole lot of heart break. Fortunately God can change everything if we have the right attitude and pray for miracles. He restores what has been stolen from us. His plan for marriage is not the misery so many of us live in because of our choices.

  1. michelle brown says:

    Oh thank you so much, I have always thought I was the weird one, hubby is awesome in that he gives me what I need when I need it but I thought I was just an odd ball.

    Thanks so much for your insite.

  2. Teri says:

    I would like to say that intercourse is easy but I would be lying since the condition in my back makes any kind of activity painful. I still want to engage in that kind of activity but I think my husband avoids it because he doesn’t want to hurt me so what if we both want to engage in doing “it” but we’re both apprehensive about it due to the fact that in the times we have the pain was so intense neither of us enjoyed it except for the release and relief we got. I love my husband and want to be with him in a sensual and sexual way but I pull back just before approaching him out of fear of the pain to follow. Do you think foregoing the act is reasonable until we know that I am able to perform without pain?

    • Paula says:

      I think if theres a will theres a way. I am a person who has been diagnosised with cancer three times. The doctors were surprised to find that through pain all over, chemo meds, side effects, lost of appetite etc. We have not lost the desire or will to make love to each other. We found that it makes it more exciting when we have to find creative ways to work around the problem that could be a hinderance. I too have back pain from a medicine they provide that causes severe heart and muscle spams. My husband finds it most interesting that I find sex theraputic. We prayed and asked God to help us and He did. It works.

    • Dennis says:

      My wife has a condition that affects he ablity to spread her legs. We have not had intercourse for years but still enjoy sex by finger stimulation of the clitoris. She enjoys the climax and is satisfied sexually. She also satisfies me with the use of her hands.

      • Karen says:

        There are other ways to have intercourse other than on your back – I to struggle because of pain so try different ways

    • John says:

      Teri,

      Try chiropractic to get your spine and whole body functioning better! We were not created to live in perpetual pain and dysfunction. Reduce or elimate internal interference to your healthy function and you’ll enjoy life more.

      I don’t know your specific condition, but correcting the spine’s structure allows it to move better. It also reduces pressure on the spinal cord and nerves, aloowing your brain to better coordinate healing and function!

  3. Karen says:

    It’s strange to think you are the only couple who doesn’t couple. It’s a hugh relief to know we are not alone. I think our biggest issue is unresolved anger because neither will budge. Therefore we cannot and will not connect.

  4. kj says:

    Thank you for your down to earth practical look at desire. This is a struggle in our marriage and/but every time I remind myself that sex is a ministry to my spouse instead of something just for me, and that whole thing about not depriving each other, then we have a good time. Glad to know I’m not the only oddball.

  5. Shannon says:

    You state that it is usually the woman who is wanting more sex ~ however in my situation it is the other way around. My husband and I can have a wonderful evening together that included sex and wake up the next morning and enjoy each other all over again. However, when this happens he wants it again that night and usually the next morning (especially on weekends)and as often as he can get it. It is not that there is no sex and I understand that sometimes sex can just be sex but not daily and/or twice a day. Am I wrong in saying “no” the third time around?? How I can make my husband understand that his need is to great and I have told him he is over sexed. He is not into porn which I’m am thankful for but sometimes I think it might be a way to give me a break. Tell me where I’m wrong (if I am) and what I can do about this. We’ve been married for 19 years this year.

    Your help is GREATLY appreciated.

    Thanks….
    Shannon

  6. Petrice says:

    Thank you so much for your godly comments…very helpful, considering all the rest of the worldly views out there…always enjoy your all you post….please don’t stop..appreciate every bit of information….Thank you….Have a blessed day…

  7. Amy says:

    Our sexlife is dead. There isn’t any at all and there hasn’t been for about 30 years, Its to late for us to reignite any flames. Our marriage consuler suggested more communication, more togetherness and possibly a weekend away. We tryed all of this and it made matters worse.
    In our 60 s now and very much set in our ways. I miss sex but I have gotten use to doing without any. Husband is on blood pressure pills, cholesterol, depression, and ulcer pills. His libdo is zip, nadda. But we are suriving and yes you can live without sex. Were not weird or anything its just the way it is fo us.

  8. joann says:

    thanks for sharing about woman not having to “feel” like having sex. we are those maybe 10 times a year and I was thinking maybe I don’t love my husband any more because I didn’t “feel” like having sex like we used to…….many many years ago. We are in our late 50′s. So now I know I am ok and will look at this differently. thanks, you might have saved our marriage, I was getting worried!

  9. Ted says:

    I thought it was always the men that wanted more sex not the women. In my case it’s definetly me. What’s a normal sex life? I don’t think what we have is. Ours feels like it’s dead. We’re just in our 30′s! We have it around 10 times a year. When we do have it it’s on a special occasion like our anniversary or Valentine’s day and she acts like it’s a treat for me. Which is a little demeaning honestly. We once went half a year without having sex. I admit I’m a guy and I would have sex with my wife every other day if not every day if I could. But I don’t even remotely try that much. But I would be willing to settle for once a week or whatever. But right now it’s not even every month. I’m a decent looking guy but it just makes me feel unattractive and that there’s something wrong with me.
    I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what the problem is. I’ve tried bring it up subtly but she just brushed it off or makes excuses. I’ve tried everything I can think of; pulling a bigger load of the housework, doing dishes, laundry, cleaning house making dinners sometimes. But it just made it worse for me. Now not only do I work a 40 hr job, go to school part-time, and do all the yardwork, I do half if not more of the dishes, laundry and house cleaning and still no sex. While she works part time. I’m not a jealous or controlling guy and I watch the kids while she goes out for “girl’s night out” and goes out after work with her friends from work. I’ve tried being romantic, actually I think I just am more romantic all the time than she ever is. I listen to her talk for hours about her bad days and whatever else that I really don’t want to hear but I have a genuine interest and love her. I do everything for her. I’ve never hurt her in any way so there’s nothing like that there. I don’t understand.

    I contiually try and get rejected. It’s gotten to where I don’t even try anymore because I don’t want someone that doesn’t want me or isn’t attracted to me. I’ve started to become a little bitter and I’ve started to build up a resentment. I’ve tried to bring it up and she’s just brushed it off. I don’t want to criticize her and make her “feel horrible” like this blog says. So what do I do?

    • Nancy says:

      Wow Ted if everything you are saying is true I dont know what else you can do to make it better. Sometimes you dont know what you got til it’s gone. Sounds like your wife is taking you for granted. It’s time for a long heart to heart with her. Not demanding pleading or desperate. But a true expression of your desire to have a better marriage. Some women could go forever without having sex. Does she show you love in another way? Maybe in a way she thinks is love but you dont necessarily? Often people show love in the way they want to recieve it. What fills her love tank? What fills yours besides sex? If you each discover that, maybe sex will follow.

    • chris says:

      This IS the more common situation by orders of magnitude and I was disappointed to see him make the men low drive comment. Im not sure why he did that, it doesnt seem like he panders to women but fact is MOST pastors do, and my friends that are pastors admit it openly.
      From “communication styles” to how we comport sexually, its all about keepin momma happy.

    • MDGF says:

      Dear Ted, I can really hear your pain and rejection, and frustration. This is serious—Marriage IS A SEXUAL UNION of a man and woman—if it is not sexual as well as emotional, psychological etc…then it is just a roommate relationship— a retrouvaille seminar may be the way to healing your marriage… But also pray–asking God to heal your marriage and make it the way He wants it to be—loving and good, joyful and unitive–reflecting His love for His people……Prayer always works for those who love and serve the Lord…..God healed my marriage after I prayed for 3 years…..

  10. chris says:

    Your sample must be small, if you say its generally more men with lower desire. I like that you shatter myths….but its no myth that men have the higher drive…statistically, in general.

    Great points about not needing to be lathered up to start though. The church teaches the old “men, if you want a hot oven you must light the pilot in the morning”….while its true thats best….it has created a generation of Christian women who flat say I CANNOT HAVE SEX ON A WHIM AND WILL NOT…..bunk!

    I can tell you that once he starts an affair, a quick text msg and the notell motell is rockin! no pilot light required. Thay CAN and DO do it….pastors, please stop affirming the excuses.

  11. Sam Zaragoza says:

    Hi Mark,
    Your article on sexless marriage inspired me and I thank you.
    It inspired me to write an anti-sexless marriage article geared more toward the LDS community of which I’m a part. I hoped that some of your readers (who are struggling in their marriages) may also find some of these insights useful.

    My blog is at http://ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com

    Thank you for all you are doing. Your work has helped my own marriage and motivated me to help join the fight to defend marriage. God Bless you and keep you always.

  12. Nat says:

    I do not desire nor am I aroused by my wife. The closest we get is in bed she has her side and I have mine. I’am proud to say nothing ever happens in bed except what a bed is made for. (SLEEP). Married 43 years and we’ve been sexless for about 30 years now. And Im perfectly happy that way, my wife on the other hand is not. She always says that she desires and needs sex!
    My first answer was go else where and don’t bother me with your problems. Why we got married, I guess I wanted to try it out. It got really boring, mundane what ever you want to call it really fast. They say all men only think about sex! I disagree the last thing I ever thought about was certainly not sex. Now really to old to change my habits but I enjoy my life. Not into any porn or gay.

  13. Nat says:

    married 40 plus years and 30 of those years have been sexless and with no intimacy. My wife has been unhappy with the situation for years and as for I, I like it better without sex. Not interested in gays nor porn. We never had sex before we were married we were both virgins. So when first married I couldn’t get into sex, I tryed and did alot of faking. But finally I had to tell my wife I get nothing from sex, its boring,and so much energy for so little. So from that day till today we hadn’t had sex, and I still feel sex is totaly a waste of time. I would bet that we only had sex maybe 40 times in all these years.

    • Sophie says:

      You are a very mean self centered jurk. Your wife is a saint for putting up with you disregarded for her feelings. What a waste.

  14. Amy says:

    My husband and I have been married 40 years and the last 30 have been with out sex or any kind of intimacy. For me its been very lonely and depressing, as for my husband it doesn’t bother him at all. When first married he wasn’t to interested in sex and I have no idea why.We had sex for the first 10 years and all of a sudden he stopped, he admitted he had been faking that he enjoyed sex and intimacy. He wasn’t going to have sex with me again, I became really upset and wanted to know why! To this day I still don’t know why. He purposely started working nights while I worked days. We never interacted ! He became very recluse and decided to move all his things to the basement where hes built an appartment. Now retired and still very lonely, I only have a few friends I can talk to. As for him he goes no where and doesn’t talk to me or any one else. He must be very lonely.

  15. Gail says:

    I am living this type of life for the past several years. I understand that having sex with your husband is not the Hollywood glam or like those romance novels. My husband cheated on me and is addicted to porn. I have seen the affects of what porn can do. We have even discussed the results of what the addiction can do to a marriage and our sex life. He says he can’t have sex because of too much stress at his new job, that was 2 years ago. There are many times when I just want to give up.

  16. Audrey says:

    Thank you for sharing this. May God continue to bless you and yours as you share such wisdom and insight.

  17. Jeff says:

    I also thought it was always the male that desired it more than the female. I must be an oddball, because I love loving her and desiring her. The problem is that she denies and rejects me on a regular basis. This is really tough on the male ego. What am I supposed to do when I get beaten down and my love tank runs dry?

    One aspect of this whole desire thing that I think Mark missed is that we should always desire to please God in gratitude for what his Son did for us. This desire should fuel our submission and obedience to God. In the sex department, scripture is clear that we should never deny one another except occassionally for prayer. The “desire” for sex should come from pleasing God, not pleasing our spouse or ourselves. If we just did what God wants instead of what we want, wouldn’t life be grand?

  18. Erica.C says:

    I have been married for 5 months now and our sex life is almost non-existent ever since we got married.It took two weeks after we got married to even have sex, he just wouldn’t do it for some reason. I bring up this sexless issue but he put me on a guilt trip which makes me depressed and just makes me feel bad. I understand he is tired from work but the entire world works he isn’t the only one. I have needs too. I am lucky if we have sex twice a month. We want a child but that takes sex…I would NEVER cheat on my husband, never even thought of it. I just feel unwanted. I am not fat or ugly whats-so ever. He is 27 and I am 25. I just don’t know what to do. I initiate all the time,I don’t even remember the last time he initiated. When I initiate he just kind of pushes away. im at a loss of words,emotions and it just hurts…

    • Lesa says:

      Erica, go get counseling for yourself! There is something wrong with him…addiction to porn, past sexual abuse or something physical(health issues) or maybe he is holding a grudge against you for some reason that he wont tell. If he doesn’t agree to go to counseling with you once you have been going for 2 months, tell him you are leaving & DO IT! I am in the same boat you are but I have been married for 25 yrs. I kept thinking that it will be better tomorrow. But tomorrow never came. I did everything in the house, the yard, for him, for the kids trying to lighten his load. I have given about $65000 dollars worth of full body massages to him hoping that would help him feel better/sleep better so that I wouldn’t always hear that he hurt too bad or was just too tired & stressed. After 24 yrs of rejection, discussion, pleading & 2 yrs of sleeping in another room…I gave up because I was emotionally dead. Then last October, I fell into a DEEP depression, had thoughts of suicide & could no longer function in order to do my bookkeeping job or clean house or do laundry etc etc etc. Thats when he took notice that something was wrong and began somewhat trying. But the damage is done. I have absolutely no self confidence left. I feel unworthy, inadequate,unattractive. The anger, resentment, bitterness & frustration will EAT YOU ALIVE!!! The devil loves it & this is when he can take you over. Its scary & it will make you physically sick!!!! Now that he knows that I’m feeling all these things, he has really been trying for the last 3 months, but like I said, The Damage is Done. Just this morning, I literally cried out to GOD to please take this burden of anger,wanting revenge & unforgiveness from me cause it was killing me physically & emotionally. I ask HIM to please heal me AND HE DID!! I dont feel angry or want to get revenge anymore. PRAISE GOD!!! I believe that I have forgiven my husband but that doesnt mean that I magically all of a sudden have my self confidence returned & that I wont feel embarrassed for my husband to see me naked(some ugly remarks have been made). DONT BRING CHILDREN INTO YOUR MARRIAGE UNTIL THIS IS RESOLVED!!!! It is very painful to children to know, and they will pickup on it, that their mother & father dont have the kind of loving relationship that GOD intended. Also very painful for children to go thru a divorce, if it would come to that. My husband wouldn’t go to counseling…it doesnt get better without help…it gets worse. Sometimes a spouse doesnt know what they’ve got til its gone & they wont actually get off their lazy, selfish butt & do anything about the situation until they are fixing to lose what they love. SELFISHNESS…thats what causes problems in any relationship and it is a sin to be self serving

  19. Amy says:

    My husband and I only had sex and any kind of intimacy once on our wedding night. Being my first time it was not very comfortable. My husband on the other hand thought it was disgusting, messy, not worth the trouble, and a total waste of sleep time. He explained that sex to him meant nothing and would very happy with out it. Also he didn’t have the urge for sex and intimacy. I on the other hand wanted to do it again and make it better than my first time. But that never happened again weve been married 45 years. God didn’t want us to be nmarried and in misery where I live. We just diddn’t make wise decisions. At a time like this I wish I could have a rewind button so I could start over.

  20. Kevin Tilley says:

    Mark,
    I only have one problem with what you had to say in this article. To me, it does matter who starts it. If one spouse is the “Initiator” everytime, then that spouse is the only one risking rejection. Multiple rejections leads to problems that may lead to a sexless marriage.

    That’s why I tend to agree more with Dr. John Van Epp (he wrote the P.I.C.K. and L.I.N.K.S programs) on this senerio. He says that the spouse with the lower sex drive sometimes needs to be able to say “no”. But, the lower sex drive spouse also needs to be the “Initiator” at times.

    I believe if the lower sex drive spouse “Intiates” sex from time to time, it will give them more freedom to say “no” without the higher sex drive spouse shutting down. If a couple has at least a 70/30 split in who initiates sex, that’s better than one spouse always initiating, facing a 50/50 shot at being rejected.

  21. MDGF says:

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR INFO—

    All your info is so helpful truthful and reassuring…..My husband and I have been married 40 yrs—very happily for the past 25 becvause we learned that love is not a feeling but a decision (from going on a ww Marriage encounter weekend.)Now we are learning the importance of sexual unity in our marriage–not just sexual release—-Fortunately,, we were virgins when we met and only “knew
    each other but we still got into trouble with sex magazines and video’s and going for the orgasm anyway it was easiest—all that is wrong and has long term consequences harming our sacred sexual unity……

  22. MDGF says:

    after reading all the comments—it reminds me that the Judeo Christian marriage depends on the consummation of the marriage—no consummation(sexual intercourse) no marriage—-a marriage without sexual union (the two become one) is not a marriage —
    why do men get married if they don’t want sexual union and a total partnership with one woman ???–
    and when women withhold sex from their husband as punishment—that is breaking the marriage covenant–the vow to be united till death do you part….

  23. Dawn says:

    I like the idea that you prswsent but if a spouse has endured any type of mental or verbal abuse the reality is that until this type of behavior stops the other spouse will never want sec so long as they ate feeling disrespected over smd over. I use to blame myself andy hormonal issues until i realized that it was the way my slouse treated me and disrespected me that made me not want to be intimate. We did a comminication class and in doong so all of me turned back on and I had deire again to even want to say yes but it only kasted for a month and all old ways returned and though they are getting help the wounds they created are still healng inside me and i cant just turn that part of me on. I have to feel respected. God has shown me that the resson i cant heal is becuasue my spouse keeps putting the knife back in my wound ever day with his words so its about unforgiveness its about the past never going away and folling into tomorrow all the time. He was a verbally abused child who became an addict and who took his anger out on me snd now with the help he is getting I am slowly healing. Unfrotunatky now im going through menopausal issues that are affecting my drive and creating depression so its a battle.

    Dawn

  24. jackie says:

    like the subject with include a great article. If God has put Men
    in Charge of living like Christ…..much of what you wrote seems to be written to unbelievers. Meaning they have no one to guide them. We, who are believers in the Lord Jesus and sit under God’s authority with having the Holy Spirit to work in us…..do not leave the woman needing love. If disobedience is the problem then the Man is still in the commanders seat and following God gives the Man/husband more responsibility to take care of this.. women do so much more without needing to be asked..Men will stand before the Lord on judgement and be held responsible for his laid back choice. It began with man and it will end with GOD seeing man’s heart and motives.

  25. Scott says:

    I agree with Mark completely on this subject. I don’t expect my wife to be the aggressive type or a porn queen but I wish she would be nice about it. Usually my advances are met with loud sighs and hurtful comments as well as angry, tantrum like removal and throwing of her clothes. Often times I will be told to hurry up. This has done great damage to my self esteem and makes me feel unloved. We all need to be nice.

  26. John says:

    I’m a man, mid 40′s. Been married 20 years. As I get older I do feel my drive slowing down, but is this wrong? Is this unnatural? Does this mean I do not love my wife? I don’t think so to any of this. I’ve looked into Low-T and testosterone replacement, but it brings so many risks, including cancer risks. Is that really what God wants? For me to die and not be able to provide for my wife and kids?

    This is a struggle, I know. I know my wife wants to be together more, but about all I can provide is once a month. I do not think this means we are sexless. I think this is part of “for better or for worse….in sickness and in health”.

  27. Daria says:

    No, you’re supposed to feel desire first. That’s what sex is–the dance of mutual attraction that leads to real, full bodily and passionate arousal. Making the body respond when you’re in a state of indifference? Sure, the body says, “Ah, hey, feels nice” and it’s a nice thing for couples to try, but let’s not kid ourselves. That’s a kind of mutual masturbation, which is fine, but it is not the main event. Long term marriage is simply not a situation designed to facilitate real desire. Accept it.

    • anonyomous says:

      I totally agree. The point of my now almost completely sexless relationship began as pure desire for one another. Now that we hardly have sex, I IMMEDIATELY feel like he has no desire for me. If there was desire, there would be sex. Then I feel ugly and unwanted and worthless. If there were desire for me still there, nothing would have changed between us :( I am completely heartbroken.

    • Dave says:

      I wish it were true that you could just get your wife/husband to cooperate for the sake of getting off. My wife has become sexually disinterested. She has no incentive or interest in sex and has no interest in experimentation or making the slightest effort. One can do what you say and sometimes be lucky and she’ll try but it feels like flogging a dead horse because in the back of your mind you know she’d rather be elsewhere. The end result is you both get off and one of you falls asleep while to other thinks, ‘was it worth it? Do I mean anything in the marriage apart from paying bills and being maintained by the occasional remote screw?’ Rather you than me. I’ll end up alone in the end sadly I fear, rather than live in a seemingly lonely vacuum. She is more interested in afternoon game shows and drink. she is only 45. Might as well be 75. I try everything, romance, presents, she’s never had to work… what’s the point. She is spoilt and kind of using me perhaps. Not for long. :-(

  28. Walter says:

    Thanks for sharing about desire, Mark. My wife and I have gone back and forth about that for years. At first, she was the main initiator and now it is me. She was doing it because of desire and that slowed down after our son was born and us having other marital problems. I initiate now, desire or not, because I realize it is a need of mine and way for me to connect to my wife.

    Thank you,

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