Attention = Desire Disorder

It’s the New ADD. Attention = Desire Disorder.

It is not a secret that men and women typically want different things from one another in a marriage. Ask 100 women what they want more of from their husband and most of them will say they want him to pay more attention to them. Ask 100 guys what they want more of from their wife and most of them will say they want more sex… no surprise there! These differing wants are the ingredients for a perfect stand off between men and women.

Women will say, “I’d make love to him more if he’d just give me some attention and I felt like he cared about me for more than just sex.” Men will say, “I give her attention and that just makes me want her more, but she still doesn’t want to have sex.” And it’s true that when a man gives his attention to his wife, it increases his sexual desire for her! Desire fills him as a result of paying attention to the woman—his sexual interest increases as he focuses in on his wife. Much of the attention that men give, whether women like it or not, is sexually driven. Sex and attention all go together, you can’t separate the two. Whatever we give our attention to is what we end up desiring.

The advertising business knows this because all they have to do is get you to pay attention to a 30 second commercial and the desire to get the product they are selling begins to sprout. Anything you give your time and attention to will also be the thing that you desire.

So it is with men and their wives. And while women love the attention, they are often not so crazy about the desire that follows. They want the attention but say, “No thanks!” to the desire part. Ladies, you must understand that when that man of yours pays attention but you continually stiff-arm him and rebuff his needs, when you push him away and say, “No” to his desire, he is going to stop the attention.

A man doesn’t do this to be mean or to intentionally hurt his wife, but the dude can get so frustrated after a while when he is continually being shut down by his wife. Often husbands will do whatever they can to decrease their desire, to minimize their constant sexual frustration—and that means they stop the attention, so they aren’t going crazy. Then the woman will cry, “Pay attention! You aren’t paying attention to me!” It becomes a crazy cycle.

If women would understand this, they could make it work for their benefit! The guy is much more likely to give you attention when you are fulfilling the desire that the attention creates! Pretty simple solution if you can understand that the desire is actually created when he is giving you what you crave. Believe me, your man will have little to no problem giving you even more attention when you reward his efforts by meeting his need.

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56 Responses to “Attention = Desire Disorder”

  1. Patrick says:

    Hi Mark,
    As I read the piece, I almost cringed with embarassment. BECAUSE you are so true. You know sometimes it’s not the frustration, but the feeling of being a rapist when you sense that your wife really did not want to be disturbed. She just wanted to be a “good” wife. So, you do not want to be frustrated and definitely not feel like a rapist, therefore go on “low”-desire mode. …And the play out: No eye contacts, no more helping out in the kitchen, no more “nonsense” whispering -into the ear- when the children are not looking, no more stealing glances, no more “Wow, your’re simply….what’s the word…….”

    Now mark I must admit, I have not been helped much. I do not want any of the feeling above and any other associated and good to know that my wife can both understand and hopefully do something, I am really concerned here about what I can do. What optiond do I, me,… have? I definitely do not want to stop the attention-ing. It does worsen the feeling of being a “user,” a rapist when the thing does happen.

    Patrick

    • Mary Myers says:

      Hi Patrick, have you talked to your wife? Does she read these articles too, or perhaps with you? Pray that God will open both your eyes and hearts and then ask her to read the article if she hasn’t and ask her to discuss it with her. Remember not to use accusatory statements like “you always…when I always…” Instead, let her know how you feel, and then be patient and pray. God intended for sex to be in marriages, which may mean a lot of compromise, at first, for both of you. But, once you both begin to see the multiple rewards and awesomeness of compromising and “loving one another as Christ first loved us” it will get easier.

  2. Alice says:

    ? After getting the attention I want, I give him what he wants, after that it’s like nothing. What I mean is, I feel that he goes back anad pays no attention again. I knnow it’s a cycle but it;s sooooooo tiring

  3. Andrea says:

    I have actually found I have the opposite problem. I want to make love more than my husband does. We are under stress right now as we are both in college (nontraditional students), but I still have the desire and the need for that myself. I hope I’m not the only woman out there like this:)

    • Gracie says:

      You are not alone. I have a much greater desire for sex than my husband. He on the other hand needs more attention than I seem to do. I love attention, don’t get me wrong, but I am prefer the full intimacy.

    • Mary Myers says:

      Hmm, I think it changes with age and circumstances. I am glad to say that since we figured out our mutual need for sex, our sex drives have usually been complementary. Very rarely, does one turn the other one down. But, this is something we have learned dealing with this issue only a few short years ago: Men can “not feel like it” just as much as “women” can. But, you often hear counselors telling the woman to try anyway to compromise. For example “tell your husband to give you 15 minutes. Wash up, stretch, put on lotion…whatever will help you get in the mood.” Why shouldn’t husbands be given the same advice? I am thankful to say, that since my husband noticed I gave in sometimes when I didn’t really want to (and ended up enjoying it, by the way!), he has recently done the same for me. So, I think most of this sexual marriage device justifiably fits a non-gender foot.

      • Beverly says:

        Just wanted to chime in and share that I also have a strong and loving relationship. We have always had a wonderful sex life even after having to wean myself from very unhealthy romance novels which created false expectations. We are 50ish and we still enjoy sex regularly. Indeed sometimes it is just sex but other times it is like being in heaven — not because of the act itself but because of the intimate connection that results from choosing to please each other in this and all areas in our lives. The other is always more important. Currently, I want sex more than my hubby but we make it work. In truth, it makes it a bit more exciting as I get to charge him up…Thanks Mark for giving us this wonderful sight and for all of your helps. We love Laugh Your Way….

    • christy says:

      You’re not alone. I have as many married female friends as married male friends that are sexually frustrated. I know when I hit my 40′s and my “prime” it was hard for my husband to keep up with me. I think men like to use their sex drive as an excuse for many things – but our sex drive is very, very strong. Women have very strong sex drives if they have been raised by healthy, sexual, Christian parents and if the woman feels good about herself. Have a man that doesn’t take you for granted, take advantage of you, lust after other women and make you feel like your body and your lovemaking is the best things since sliced cheese — and it’s on! And the deep commitment of marriage and that intimacy is much more sexual than single people could ever experience. Mark is always right on about that!!!

      • Bella says:

        Yep. My husband doesn’t want sex with me either. After several rejections and continually finding porn on his computer, conveniently saved in folders named by the month and year that go back several years, I have had to stop caring about whether we ever have sex again, or go crazy with heartache. I am in my early 40′s, and keep in shape, many people think I am in my early 30′s and I know other men would be willing if I were single… but it’s been a year since we had sex and before that it was only a couple of times a year — and we’ve only been married five years! The old stereotype of women wanting attention and men wanting sex is just that, a stereotype. My heart is broken with this situation, and just as you said, Christy, I’m in my prime!

    • Ashley says:

      You are So Not Alone!! We have been Married almost three years and I am the one that desires sex with my husband Three times a day every day! I feel like a freak because usually men desire more sex then women do, so i find myself praying frustrated prayers to God to remove my sex drive altogether, but I know God does not make mistakes and the desires He gave me will be fullfilled one day.

  4. Anya says:

    I agree and disagree. You’ve spoken with a blanket comment which is just not true in all cases. My husband and I have not been ‘together’ since July of 2006. I repeatedly ask him why we aren’t together. Is he not attracted to me? Am I too heavy? Not pretty? Is he not in love with me anymore? The standard answers were he’s tired or now it’s he’s upset with me because I yell at the kids. Someone has to discipline them!

    This is a major problem. No matter how often I bring up the issue or how I talk about it he will never talk about it and his behavior doesn’t change. I’m at a loss for what the issue is.

    • Patrick says:

      Hey Anya,
      While I do not want to sound like a councellor on the loose and actually wondering if i know what to say, I am just like…”This is not how it is with us…men.” If you can say my husband is not cheating (which is usually the other thing), then he must be hurting. Since you can fix a date to your mind, then it has not always been so. If he has mentioned a few “issues” do take them seriously. If not just pray that he will open up to you. Often we (men) find it hard to express our hurts. We feel it might look too sissie. we actually get embarrassed forming the words that may suggest love deficit … however we define that love deficit.
      Do not loose heart, but don’t allow him to cake up completely. Still find a way to keep his heart tender and reachable. Do not allow him to seal his emotions. It could be a self-preservative mechanism to keep from getting hurt …the more… what ever the sourse might be…If he didn’t care (sex???) he probably would not feel as hurt. Whatever, just hang in there.

    • P.Miller B. says:

      Anya, I totally understand! I have been there for years. Part of my husband’s lack of interest, I think, is stress and bouts with depression. No matter what it is, I can’t seem to reach him. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you!

    • LKH says:

      In the same boat as you!! I have heard at least 15 different reasons why he doesnt want to. Been married 25 yrs. Im telling you…GET CHRISTIAN COUNSELING. If he refuses to go with, leave him for awhile.

  5. Jacque says:

    “Whatever we give our attention to is what we end up desiring.” What a great statement!!! Thank you for hammering the truth into our heads! Hopefully our behavior will be changed as a result of it.

  6. Beaten But Not Broken says:

    Wow, there are some powerful responses here, along with a lot of hurt. It’s been two years since I discovered my husband’s affair. Of course, he said it was my fault he cheated, which I have heard is quite common. He said I tried to control him because I begged for attention. I try to remember that when the finger is pointed, there are three others pointing back at oneself. Over the years I discovered porn magazines hidden, computer porn, porn videos, caught him watching porn on the TV while I was sleeping. Every time, I would get upset and he would promise to stop. I truly loved my husband and would have done anything to make it work but it takes two. I waited for agonizing months before filing for a divorce while he “thought things through”, only to find out he was still seeing her, charging up our credit cards(with her) but still trying to have sex with me. I can honestly say, after two years, that with God’s help I have begun to heal. It will take years to establish who I am but I am looking forward to it as a new adventure as opposed to the option of feeling sorry for myself. I dated only one man since, who wanted sex early in our relationship and pressured me. I discovered he too had porn in his house and refused to purge it when I explained how I felt – so that’s over. I keep praying for God to send me a good, honest, clean man. In the meantime, I am taking his answer as a “Yes. I already gave you two.” I will try to raise my two sons in a good moral/ethical/Christian way and hope to break the cycle of the ‘sins of a father’ so they can live happy lives with a special woman. Blessings to all of you out there who are hurting. God does not want you to hurt and he will comfort you, as he has comforted me!

    • bman says:

      that’s a great attitude you have and i pray god will bless you and give you wisdom in bringing up your boys. concerning the “sins of the father” have a look at ezekiel 18. god bless

    • Lisa says:

      Beaten,
      Your story could be mine. I, too was married to a man that was addicted to porn and eventually had an affair. After the affair, I gave him a year to “decide what he wanted” so I would know that I had done all I could to save the marriage. We divorced, he continued on a huge downward spiral involving porn in all areas. But, I am writing to encourage you. God will replace what was taken from you. I found a wonderful Christian man that is loving and caring and avoids questionable material. We have had three children together, my older children are grounded, strong young adults, in spite of their dad. Keep your faith and remember that God has great plans for you and he will take care of you and your children. God bless you!

  7. Alan says:

    The need for sexual release can be so strong that a degree of physical pain can be experienced and I refuse to believe that true abstinence is healthy for some men. While the wife may be able to get some some ‘attention’ elsewhere, if the man gets ‘sexual release’, elsewhere, he is often labeled a dog. Being married to a husband is a huge responsiblity and starting a family without a healthy relationship is foolish. Unfortionately many young people are too in love and polite to hammer out these potentially ‘painful’ issues BEFORE starting their relationships. Woof woof.

    • Barbara Villalpando says:

      It is true that a woman can get attention anywhere. However, there is great danger in a relationship there. Since she NEEDS attention in order to desire her husband, if she gets attention from a man outside of her marriage, her desire will be for him. And believe me, she really does not want that. She wants you.

      • Alan says:

        Dangerous ground indeed, choose your husband wisely. So many or our ‘needs’ could, should, and would, be met by Him, if we would only get our old wrong thinking patterns, habits, and behaviors out of the way and simply worship the one we were designed to worship versus Eve. We are to love, serve and minister to Eve, like no other, but NOT worship her, as our society and Hollywood projects.

  8. Jo says:

    BTDT. When I met “his need,” it resulted in his ignoring me for the next three days almost completely. He wouldn’t pay attention again until about the two-week mark. Oh, number of dates in 23 years: one. I’ve spent most of the years since having children praying, reading books, articles, teachings, doing emotional backflips, and playing personal mind games to enable me to meet his needs, but now I give up. I feel like a cheap, used-up whore. That was never my husband’s intention, and I know he loves me, but he has Asperger’s, and my body is a thing to him. He says he loves my reactions, but that is only my physical reactions. My heart and mind do not exist for him. I want to, but can’t.

  9. markd says:

    This makes a lot of sense. I like the way Gungor shares the responsibility of sex without giving ammo to either spouse. I have a gripe with some of the popular teaching in Christian marriage books through the years. They put all the responsibility on a man to be Prince Charming 24/7/365 or else he really does not “deserve” sex. Wives have used that standard of romantic obligation to disqualify their husbands. Basically he has to be prince charming ALL THE TIME, and she only has to be sexy sally an hour a week, if she’s not too tired, or mad because he did not send enough flowers or let the house go too much. Furthermore, is this really what we are taught in the bible? Paul said to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. But it’s not so we can get sex! It’s because we want to be like Jesus. It’s because we want her to feel like the most special person in the world to us. On the other hand wives are told never to deprive the husband except by mutual consent. Yet Christian women are being taught that they have a license for deprivation if their husbands don’t perform their princely duties according to some Christian marriage expert. Just my thoughts…great article.

  10. Pastor Matt says:

    I appreciate the candor of these comments. They reveal a foundational reality: the “cycle” Mark speaks of is not true in the absolute terms he writes about. It is simply too simplistic and ignores core issues like personality and current motivation and conversation styles. The cycle he speaks of is currently a popular illustration to “solve” marriage frustrations. But that pattern is only true in the context of some relationships. That may mean it IS true for many, many people who fit that context, but the comments to this blog entry alone reveal that the “formula” just doesn’t work for everyone. The comments reveal that some women definitely have more sexual desire than do their husbands.

    The issue of intimacy in relationship, whether sexual, conversation, nonsexual touching, time together, enjoying shared interests, etc. depends upon how well the husband and wife know each other’s specific needs and desires about how to connect, and whether they consider how, by natural personality preferences, each can approach the spouse in a way that the spouse can receive the approach for intimacy.

    From personal context, If I write my wife notes of appreciation or even notes of concern, she likes that. She prefers notes to live conversation. I don’t like the notes for the purpose of building intimacy. From my frame of reference, notes strike me as immature. I think two grown-ups should be able to talk with each other, whether in affection or complaint. Because you share a foundation of love and motivation to stay connected, talking makes sense to me. But, the reality is that notes work for her. That’s just her way. I am NOT more sexually attracted because I meet that desire she has when I pay attention to her by writing her notes. I must resist that it annoys me and write notes anyway. Sometimes the notes lead more easily to conversation, which is my preference, and sometimes not. Sometimes they lead to other forms of intimacy and sex, and sometimes not. Does my sexual desire increase when we have conversation and when I pay attention to her needs otherwise. Sometimes. Not always.

    Wishing that the formula was always true is to simply wish for something that is not true. You will be left searching for the next formula. Two people need to be willing– and wanting– to simply spend time together and to learn how they both need to connect. Find out the formula from your spouse.

  11. Jessica says:

    What if you found your husband masturbating in the bathroom after having sex four hours ago? I was just wondering, because as far as I know our sex life was great but then I realized that maybe not! what are the possibilities why this thing happens?

    • Ken says:

      Great question jessica! I have no idea what the answer is. But I have some close Christian friends (men) that have said they occassionally masturbate. I am one of them. I’ve been married 20 years and my wife has desire about one a month. Me? About two or three times a week. My wife and I have talked about it some, but her desire is just stuck at a low level. I don’t want another woman. My wife is pretty and sexy. If she doesn’t return my desire, masturbation is about the only way I know to quietly quench the urge without destroying the marriage. I’ve even hinted that when I am in the mood and she isnt’, she could still help and it could be fun. That goes nowhere. I’ll admit, I’ve become a little cynical about marriage. The woman entices the man to the alter, and then can decide to make him nearly celibate. When the man finally can’t resist temptation, and strays, he is labeled a cheat and the wife gets the sympathy. From my male point of view, if my wife doesn’t want me physically, she should be happy that I am satified through masturbation. At least it’s not with another woman.

      • christy says:

        Hmmmm … I have to take exception to the “luring to the alter” comment. I have found that men do tend to, shall we say, “relax” once they get that ring on our finger. Shave on the weekends? Fire in the fireplace? Trash carried out? Still having her oil changed? To put it nicely and very bluntly – if you’ve stuck it to us all day, you probably won’t be sticking it to us that night. Hope that’s not too vulgar, but that’s the straight up truth. Remember how you courted your wife and lured her to commitment and I love you’s and sexual relationship? Are you still doing those things?

  12. Mary Myers says:

    Never thought of it this way…but I am glad to say we figured this out already with the help of our church family’s teachings in the couples’ ministry as well as other Christian couples in our lives. Thankfully, for me my husband was patient with me, especially when I realized I was most of the problem…like you said, he would give me attention wanting sex, and I would push him away again and again, until it became a habit without me realizing it. We have heard it said that couples at our stage of marriage (13 years this year with kids 11, 8, and 5) only have sex an average of 3 times a month. We weren’t far from that at one time, but now…if we went less than 3 times a week we would both be going crazy. I will say, you need to remind the ladies that sex is important to wives, too! I didn’t realize until we started fixing the issue that I needed it as much as he did to keep my sanity. It relieves stress, releases health-giving endorphins, gives man and woman their physical completion, and gives the woman the emotional connection she needs, just to name a few plusses.

  13. tish says:

    Well my sex life is good for the most part, but I do have an underlying health issue that causes my sex drive to be very low at times. I just don’t feel well enough to make love to my husband and it breaks my heart. I want to so bad and I know he would love to make love to me everyday, but that is just not possiable when I feel sick and tired most of the time. I worry about him cheating because of it… I guess two times a week is just going to have to do. What advice do you have for a women in my situation?

  14. Esmeralda says:

    but what if im not in the mood to have sex lets say he gives me attention every day im suppose to response to his desire EVERY day that sound very tiring n i totally agree with Alices

  15. Debra says:

    Hi Mark,

    My husband and I are in this situation because I’ve had some serious medical issues to conquer in the last 6 years. I’m feeling much better now and want to get back on track. Unfortunately because my husband has “shut down” (out of self-preservation, I understand!) and now I feel really unattractive because he’s shut down and that compounds the whole situation! How do I get us back on track? When I try to be the initiator I get turned down. He says he’s had to “turn off” for so long that he just doesn’t have much desire anymore.
    What can I do?!

    Thank you for any input. By the way, we just watched your laughter seminar at church this weekend and absolutely loved it! Thank you! I feel like God put you in our lives at the perfect time!

    Debra

    • Patrick says:

      Hi Mark,
      Was hoping to read your counsel to the above. I know many Christian men are caught up in this “shut down” state. Since they do not want to cheat or offend God, etc. I know that besides our sister s such men (reading) would also want to know how they can be helped….You know the feeling is like “Rachael refusing to be comforted.”

      Really what can such a couple do? (Sorry Debra, wish I had a word for you…s “technical ” word, but I can say that you should just keep on loving him. Sex is great and a beautiful way to establish and sustain the beautiful relationship of marriage, but it is not the only thing. some people are sick, others are old, and in such cases, sex may not be an option, but their love is solid. I would suggest you look up ways to spice up your marriage as though sex is not an option….I CAN ASSURE YOU, SEX WILL BOUNCE BACK. Oh yes!

  16. beth cobb says:

    My son has been told that men in the military who are Christians who
    are missing their wives should masturbate and fantisize about her when
    doing that. Do you think that is the answer for these men?

  17. Kimberly Irene says:

    I find that after “time” with my husband he always finds something to argue about…what does this mean? It makes me feel like “do I really want him yelling at me the next morning over nothing?” I have asked him about it and he thinks I’m making it up. I hate fighting and especially after giving of myself.
    Help! anyone

  18. Kristy says:

    My husband and I are always dealing with this issue. I want his attention on me without always having to “pay the price” later. He doesn’t want to give attention unless he gets something back. Its extremely frustrating. I feel like I give all day long to my kids and sometimes wants some back “just cause” but that usually leaves me with guilt and a frustrated husband.

  19. K says:

    Mark,
    Are you kidding me?…
    You know I do admit that some of the stuff you are saying is true, but comon! You’re totally one sided, even in your humor.
    Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s funny. It’s almost like you are teaching women how to understand men, but what about the opposite?..
    How come the way a man behaves is the norm and we have to adjust? What about them? And what’s up with all the mocking women in your videos? Maybe funny, but it’s kind of degrading. I don’t hear you mocking men…
    What you said about attention and desire is partially true. In terms of, what you focus on you desire. But the fact that women need attention and men desire is obviously not as obvious as you’d think from all the comments..
    Anyway, I really do think it’s great that you are doing this blo to help couples and your videos are hilarious, but maybe you should rethink your approach.
    By the way, I’m a regular woman, not some kind of feminist, in a healthy relationship.

  20. Alan says:

    HORMONE Trivia: As men age their testosterone (male hormone) levels plummet and often their estrogen (female) homone level increases to the point that they have more female hormone than their wives! Wives hormones levels can be out of wack as well, and these factors, along with medications, stress, exhaustion, can each contribute to changes in sex drive…For men, a ponderous belly increases their bodies female hormone!!!! And if you think hormones are not a strong driver of behavior, watch your teen carefully!!!

  21. Laurie says:

    Wow! I am not the only one! My husband and I went three years without sex, not my choice! It’s hard to be intimate with someone who falls asleep on the couch night after night! Always and excuse! Now when he can’t ‘keep up’, he says I should have known him in his prime – what about my prime! I have been so tempted sometimes, praise God I have never been in a position to act on the temptation. So guys, women will shut down after continually being rejected. Also, we get ‘frustrated’ to, and that comes out in other areas and our response to other issues.
    FYI!

  22. Deb says:

    Mark,
    I NEVER say No to my husband….never have, never will! Our problem is not attention…it is that we are close to having all our kids gone and we have nothing to talk about anymore other than the kids and I’m afraid once they are gone we will lose our marriage… Does that sound crazy?
    Deb

  23. Teri says:

    After the kids are gone, or even before, have new experiences together; build new and different memories. Life can be enjoyable! Even more so with all of the “alone” time :)

  24. Tina says:

    How about when the roles are reversed. My husband wants the hugs and kisses and attention but not beyond that. He wants foreplay but doesn’t give me any. Do any other women out there have this problem?

    • Laurie says:

      Tina,

      Yes, another part of the problem is that he’ll take whatever I give, but when it comes to him taking the time to really love me, it doesn’t happen. I honestly cannot remember once in our 16 years of marriage where he took the time to really romance me. It hurts so very much that I have pretty much shut down emotionally and sex has only become a physical release. Pretty sad way to live isn’t it? But really, what choice do we have?

      • Susannah says:

        Read your Bible and pray. Prayer changes things. Especially read I Corinthians 13. Are you modeling that kind of love? That is what God expects from His children.

  25. Miranda says:

    I wish I would have read this years ago. It describes why my husband and my entire marriage shut down. 4 years ago my marriage was dead. My husband had to shut himself off to any kind of attraction to me in order to protect his heart from my constant rejection as all attention was viewed by me as a means to an end and sex was maybe once a month if we were lucky. 4 years ago I prayed for a miracle in my marriage and for God to change me into the wife that my huband needed me to be instead of the prayer that I had prayed for years for God to change my husband. We have now been married for 20 years and are having really good sex just about daily. In all of the hurt that I have read in these responses, God can fix all of them. My husband looked at porn too – now he has pictures of me so he doesn’t need to look at strangers. It has taken my husband longer to let go of the past as he is still I think waiting for me to reject him again, but as long as he keeps treating me the way he now treats me I feel like the most loved woman in the world and my desire is to please him. It has become a positive cycle instead of a negative cycle. I give God all the glory and I am happier than I have ever in my life been. We are like newlyweds without all the awkward getting to know you stuff and it is wonderful!

  26. SM says:

    That should have read:
    “It is obvious from the comments here that *some* wives have higher sex drives than their husbands.”

    I intended to add the following:

    “Ask 100 women what they want more of from their husband and most of them will say they want him to pay more attention to them. Ask 100 guys what they want more of from their wife and most of them will say they want more sex… no surprise there!”

    What is the source for this claim? I suspect that if asked again at different times throughout their relationship, these same 100 men and 100 women would give varying answers.

  27. Mimi Lawrence says:

    I saw you for the first time in a religious show and was fascinated for your insight and hilariouness. Also you are so true is scary.

  28. Beth says:

    I read all the comments about sexless marriages and actually it got me quite angry, especially some of the men’s responses. Firstly, I never say ‘no’ to my husband. But so many men are just rude, utterly selfish, immature, lazy, passive. They want women to be sex bombs, but they do not treat them kindly, never woo them, never bother to spend quality time with her, can’t care about how they come accross, insult their women, degrade her, etc. I think every woman craves sex. And she craves to know that she and she alone is loved, passionately. And so we dress up, keep ourselves clean, smile, do little deeds of kindness, and wait and wait and wait and wait… Eventually we feel worthless, rejected, hurt, and still we wait and hope and wait and hope and wait… Then some men has the audacity to tell us how we should spice things up, how we should initiate, etc. Mostly it comes down to them expecting us to put up with all their wickedness, the hateful, spiteful spirits, their anger, all of that. Oh yes, they can be very friendly towards other people. How they try to impress other men, and if they get angry with another guy, the anger is taken out on the wife. And they shout and/or sulk. But so nice to other women again. And wives are expected to smile and understand the poor little darling’s needs and not hurt his ego, etc. Then some fanatic would quote verses on submission and forgiveness! Who of us women had not tried again and again and again? Who of us do not always accept him again and again and again and hope against all hope that from now on things will be better? And we are mistreated again, despised, misused, humiliated, rejected. And for that stupid stooge who wrote that women can get attention elsewhere – do you think we are a bunch of whores? I bet you have a disgusting marriage. You do not deserve a wife. Men in general have become passive jellyfish, parasites, lazy worms. I honour the few who are truly Godly. Woman, if you are a Godly woman, my heart goes out to you. No advice, sorry, but so much sympathy. I know, we can’t even pray that God should sort him out, as we usually plead for mercy for him and try to understand and try to see where we went wrong and tend to blame ourselves. Ungodly women – repent. And you selfish guys who have all the advice and know-how, but you never give of yourselves – I despise you. Totally.

    • Michael G says:

      Beth, You have obviously been hurt badly in the past. I want to ask for your forgiveness on behalf of all the other men that have hurt you, including your father. You are so valuable to your Heavenly Father and He loves you greatly. I pray that His loving arms wrap around you like a blanket.

  29. Wesley says:

    I to have read th piece I do all of those things I help in the kitchen,help with the laungery, help I send flowers, I run bath water with hearts in it, I leave love notes by her sink every morning before I leave for work,I rub her feet, massager her back, tell her how much she means to me and most of all I tell her daily that I love her.A few years back she had that operation than that’s has left her with know sexual dire.We have been together for 20 years and were still in our early 40,
    HELP!!!!!!!

  30. margaret says:

    I know this was written awhile ago,but if I could ask a question that would be great.So if we as women do this, are we suppose to let our husbands know,or are these husbands going to automatically give us the attention???I am a little confused I have tried this in the past but I have approached him on this to see if I did do more of the sexual part in return could he spend more attention on me.He has agreed,but it works for a short while and then it goes back to the way it was before.I do know in the beginning of our relationship he was always giving me attention,but we were also having sex a lot more,there was no talking about it.thank you in advance,margaret.

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