Sex Makes You Stupid

It never ceases to amaze me how many times I get asked by people (usually, but not always, women) what they should do when the person they are dating is treating them poorly. And by poorly I do not mean that he was 10 minutes late coming to pick the girl up or he forgot what her favorite flower was. By poorly I mean guys who call these women names and talk to them in degrading ways, guys who look at porn, stay out all night with other women doing exactly what you think they’re doing, and on and on. Unbelievably, this is while they are dating! You know, the time when the dude is actually trying to win the woman; when he is supposed to be putting his best foot forward!

Honestly, I just don’t understand it. For the life of me I can’t imagine why a person would continue to date someone who treats them like dirt and with little to no respect. Is this really how they want to spend the rest of their lives? The fantasy world these women live in tells them that “he’ll change,” but the reality is, it only goes downhill from here! Generally, when I’m presented with this kind of scenario, I immediately ask one question: Are you having sex with him? And the answer is almost always: yes.

I finally came to this simple conclusion: sex makes you stupid. It really does. Having sex outside of marriage clouds your vision. People can’t see clearly and aren’t able to make a wise decision to save their souls. The potent spell of sex causes women (and some men) to tolerate and allow the most outrageous behaviors, continue the relationship into marriage, and then come to me a year, two or three into the deal and want me to unscramble the eggs. When I ask the obvious question, “Didn’t you see this before you got married?” they almost without fail say, “Yeah, but I thought it would be different when we got married.” It will be different, alright… it will be worse!

Becoming sexually involved with someone outside of marriage is a bad idea for many reasons. First and foremost a reason that not too many people, even Christians, actually consider is: because God said so! And when God says so, you think that would be good enough since the Almighty Maker of the Universe pretty much knows what he’s doing. If He says, “No,” it’s for good reason. God created sex and He also knows the power of it, and He knows that it will make you stupid! Stupid outside of marriage, but within the marriage covenant is another story.

This same phenomenon that makes men and women dumber than bricks when it comes to making the right decisions in premarital or extra-marital relationships, has extreme power when the sex is according to God’s plan. The very same idea that “sex clouds your vision” is wonderful and necessary in marriage. God has created sex to have this kind of effect so we can forget and overlook the faults and missteps, the offenses and transgression and forgive our spouse. It’s like a drug you can get a hit of that gives you selective amnesia. It’s also another reason why married people need to be having regular sex… so they can get a little clouded vision to overlook the everyday annoyances like toilet seats and toothpaste caps and sometimes the way bigger things that need to be forgiven. We should be “dumb” to those kinds of things.

The Bible tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. God has given us the gift of sex, one of the very things that will aid and enable us to walk out this kind of love. But it only works to our benefit if the sex is in the context of marriage. Kind of like the analogy of fire only being a good thing when it’s contained in a fireplace. God made sex to be the single most powerful force to bring a husband and wife together and to keep them together. But it has to be in marriage or it is the equivalent of taking the fire and putting it on the living room floor. No more warmth and benefit, just a disastrous inferno.

So it is with this wonderful, God-created phenomenon of sex. While husbands and wives benefit greatly from the “cloudy vision” of sex in marriage, we should not be allowing this “sex-brain” to impact us outside of marriage — where people are definitely making decisions under the influence of stupid.

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49 Responses to “Sex Makes You Stupid”

  1. Jeff Williams says:

    Well said, Mark. Keep preaching it. A few moments of pleasure and a life-time of regret. I love the unscrambling the eggs analogy; a pretty impossible task.

    This is part of the reason we need quality marriage help locally available for any couple wanting to construct a great relationship. The other day a future thinking couple (that has taken a vow of abstinence until marriage) asked for the works regarding examination of their relationship. Those is the business know that needs to include understanding of their temperaments (Flag Page is great), sex differences (your seminar DVD set is great for that), and skills to communicate, resolve conflict, set shared goals, etc. The state of the art is very good!
    Keep preaching it strong!

    Jeff Williams
    http://www.graceandtruthrelationship.com
    http://www.christiancoachingcenter.org, Family Coaching for Marriage Coaching

  2. Pam says:

    I dated a man that was a cheat and pornography was a huge part of his life. This man I married! Sixteen years later I am still living the same hell! Sure, he is a christian, but he isn’t living the live of one. This man is full blown sexual addict and still denies what he has done! Why did I marry him?? Sex! I felt obligated because we were sexually active before marriage. I thought he would change. I have finally came to the conclusion after years of counseling this man will probably never change. Now I have some big decisions to make!! Which now will harm my children! If he is doing it before marriage he will do it in the marriage. Sure they can clean up for awhile, but it will be a constant nagging problem in your marriage!! Don’t be STUPID!! Please!

    • Brandy says:

      Dear Pam,
      I am sorry to hear of your situation and want to share from my heart. “Father, please direct my words and give Pam ears to hear what you want her to hear.” (my prayer before continuing) I stayed in a Christian marriage for 25 years, and then left. I stayed because “God hates divorce” and because of the way that I was raised (no father, no stability) I was determined to hold the household together. I knew when my children were small that a choice was required because of verbal and physical abuse, and chose to take on the spiritual, emotional and psychological “slack” for my children. It didn’t work. I ended up an angry, and then bitter, mother and wife. I ended up grieving the death of my marriage (which my Christian husband sat by and watched and let me do alone), alone and while in the marriage, and then leaving. My kids were grown and we had grandchildren by then. I waited too long to send the message to my husband AND MY CHILDREN, that the marriage was not acceptable to God or to me. I just want to encourage you to trust the Lord. Ask Him to raise up His Standard in your home and in your spiritual walk. And Pam, forgive my boldness, but don’t believe for one moment that your children are not suffering along with you and whatever uncleanness their father is bringing into your marriage and your home WILL affect them.
      Love in Christ, and because of Him alone,
      Brandy Luna

    • Elsy says:

      My dear, its a painful thing to live with, but remember that harming your children will not be a solution. I hope whatever decision you make does not include divorce. Please hang on if he is not adulterous for the sake of kids.

      God’s grace….

      • Susie says:

        Don’t believe that it is for the sake of the kids! This is a very individual decision. Only you know your true circumstances and how much you have tried. God won’t MAKE your husband change, and every day is having an effect on your kids making them more likely to be abusive or accept abuse as normal. Make the decision for yourself with God’s help and DON’T feel guilty. God’s grace can take our ashes and make something beautiful.

        My advice – get Christian “co-dependency” help (this can set the stage for change or at least help you make a good decision) OR chances are you will jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

      • Pam says:

        Dear Elsy,

        I am truly against divorce, but this man was adulterous 3 months into our marriage….with my best friend. He has never repented about any of his ungodly behavior. He continues to act like everything is great until he gets caught again. He has done damage I am sure to our son already! I am the one teaching our son about waiting for marriage, shaving, and how to protect his heart and mind! Has my husband even really been a man? I haven’t been loved, hugged,nourished..anything for years! I don’t see how this is honoring God at all. Doesn’t the bible tell our husbands to love their wife as God loves the Church? Angry?? Oh you bet I am! I hid it for years, because I had to be the “good” christian wife! I need to get this anger out before it kills me.Didn’t God get angry in the bible? Why do we as christian wife’s think it is okay to put up with damaging behavior?? We actually taught marriage studies in our home for years, and now I look back and see where I misled women! No one should ever put up with abuse! And I am sorry, but I led too many women astray by encouraging them to stay in abusive marriages! Please read all of God’s word. Not just wife’s submit to your husbands! Thank you everyone for your advise and continue to pray for me and my husband! Along with our children! Have a wonderful blessed Christmas!

    • Anne' Marie says:

      I lived your life for 11 years too, Pam. However, we didn’t have sex before marriage but because he kept pestering me about sex, I gave in to a WAY too early (in our relationship) marriage proposal because he knew that was the only way to “get me”. I fell for it and I will “pay” for that mistake for the rest of my life.

  3. Katie Matsumoto says:

    Mark,
    I do see what you’re driving at with your analogy of sex & stupidity.
    But come on, is that the best analogy? Sex is a GIFT from God and as such, gives us grace and blessings. Grace and Blessing is what gives
    us the ability to avoid dishonoring our spouses … NOT cloudy thinking or stupid thinking. Really, my friend. Wouldn’t it have been better to say that sex within marriage allows us to go deeper into the marriage relationship, thus allowing us to see into the other person better and learn from the Holy Spirit on respecting and loving our partner. How about that instead of your analogy? Just a thought …

    • Susan says:

      I liked Mark’s anology because it’s straight forward and simple. Some people get lost and shut off when you start going down the trail of deep thoughts. I lose people that way all the time. Women can hang in there but men not so much…in general.
      I liked, “If He says “No!”, It’s for a good reason. God created sex and He knows the power of it…” Wow! I never thought about it like that before! After all these years, to think that I would know better than God about the power of something that He created was very foolish and naive of me. I never considered that God would create something so powerful that could cause so much pain in one context but is intended for relational strength and good.

  4. k. ann says:

    I so agree about the power and influence of sex. It has helped to open communication for me and husband during the rough patches. I could heat his heart and not be so easily offended or hurt and even forgive sooner.

  5. Scott says:

    This sounds great in theory but sex is not enticing enough for some women to forgive even when they consistently say they have. The withholding of it is the single most powerful tool women possess to control men and it is especially true in marriage. All the counseling in the world will not overcome a simple unwillingness or inability to forgive.

  6. Becky Harmon says:

    Excellent. Mark has a unique, UNIQUE, way of cutting to the chase for men and women. If you haven’t caught it, the uniqueness is largely in humor and thinking simply. I just saw his seminar in Atlanta and I snort laughed for 6 straight hours:)
    Sex does make you stupid before and after marriage, the point is rarely do individuals change unless there is supernatural intervention combined with pratical actions. Sex out of marriage is one of the biggest sabotages to building intergenerational health. I have seen the same question answered exactly the same way in my experience also. My point back to the women who are hurting often times is we don’t tell people what our boundaries are, we teach them by our actions.

  7. Kaylie says:

    This is a great analogy on why you should wait. Sex is a wonderful & awesome thing & Scott if sex isn’t enticing enough for your woman, then maybe the issue is you. If she is so unwilling to forgive you, what did you do? Did you sincerely repent & change? I don’t know a woman alive who doesn’t enjoy good sex. Sometimes men think they are great, but they are the only one who’s enjoying it.

  8. Cassandra says:

    My problem with the theory that inside marriage sex helps you forget the little things, and where I agree you ought to forgive those, but its the BIG things.
    For instance if your Husband ignores you for weeks, makes other things a priority in his life, then decides its ” time” well most women will NOT want to engage for lack of any on going intimacy. THEN men see this as a weapon of withholding!
    NO its not withholding, its we dont feel connected to the man!
    For men being visual they can turn on and off that need much easier then a woman who needs to be connected to a man before she can open herself up to him.
    So if the man is assuming sex will fix this he’s wrong and thus the cycle starts.
    If you want healthy sex from your wife, treat her good all the time not just when you want some!

  9. Sarah M says:

    God hardwired women to be emotional and men to be visual. As such, women REQUIRE non sexual physical contact and emotional stimulation to feel wanted, desired and loved. A man cannot sit in front of the tv or his xbox for weeks on end, ignoring us, and decide after no conversation, no stimulation, no attention, that he wants sex. He won’t get it. We don’t turn on and off like a light! 5 minutes of attention to try and work us up to sex, does not make up for neglecting our needs. How can women be expected to fulfill a man’s need for sex when they ignore our need for love?

  10. Pete says:

    It is so much easier to forgive bad behavior when sex is the carrot on the end of the rope. You let go of things that could take days or weeks to get over without it.

    “God made sex to be the single most powerful force to bring a husband and wife together and to keep them together.” This message can be so important if both spouses believe and follow it.

  11. Kaylie says:

    I think it’s interesting to see the whole male/female aspect. God created sex to be great, but men if you will actually read what us women are wanting is you. We want our men, we want to be with you. I think sometimes you don’t get that. Men try so hard during the courtship to win our hearts but when married, men stop pursuing. Which leaves us women feeling abandoned and lonely. Women WANT to be with their husbands, we just want all of you, not what is left over.

  12. Phil says:

    Kaylie, then how do go on pursuing women after marriage. How do we pursue women before Marriage to keep you interested. ?

    • Susan says:

      You pursue their hearts. Women loved to be rescued from their mundane lives like doing the dishes. To be wooed, courted and dated. Women read those romance novels and watch those “Gone with the Wind” chick flicks because women love to be noticed and pursued. If you’ve ever read those romance novels, which I wouldn’t expect you to, where the women are busy being women and getting things done, when… the guy takes notice and steps in to help…with the groceries, a door, answering the phone, helping with the kids or listening intently to the details of a frantic day, followed by a warm embrace that could turn into something else…
      Also, women like the thoughtful “I love you!” sticky notes left on bathroom mirrors, a card tucked in a purse, little thoughtful surprises like you did when you were dating. Once a princess, always a princess. Just think of her as “my little sweetheart” and let her know just how precious she is to you. Blessings!

  13. Nene Thomasy says:

    I spent 38 years as a flight attendant. I mention that because it explains why I heard the 1000s of stories that were shared on the jumpseat. As I progressed in my Christian walk I began to become aware of the same story being told over and over again, different flight, different flying partner but same story…bad marriage, cheating boyfriend, no commitment. What was intriguing in each story is that when asked if they would have stayed with this person, married this person, moved in with this person if they weren’t having sex with them, the answer would be no. We women so often confuse or should I say always sex and love. When will we learn?

  14. Kris says:

    I see many a woman here who has expressed the outcome of many generations now of wrong doctrine from the pulpit. God commanded the man to LOVE his WIFE sacrificially FIRST …just as JESUS did . That is because the design of a man is to INITIATE and the WOMAN is DESIGNED to RESPOND. The command to love sacrificially is not necessary for God to tell women because women love sacrificially. The woman ‘desires to her HUSBAND” has been taught that women would try to take control of the man! This could not be further from the truth! A woman who wants to CONTROL does not get married! This ‘curse’ is that a woman’s heart would be directed toward her HUSBAND and HE has the power then to HURT HER ….she is most sensitive emotionally and HIS tendency to want to REIGN OVER HER is the curse from the FALL. This is NOT the godly design that was originally intended for marriage or for any other area of life for that matter. Nimrod was the first recorded man to set himself up OVER OTHER PEOPLE.

    In marriage God is allowing the MAN to represent Jesus Christ and his conduct reflects directly upon the LORD !

    The wife is a GIFT given to the man in that AS HE sacrificially loves his wife HE IS MATURED …she is warmed and has no trouble responding to him.

    The man is not superior to the woman, she is PART of HIM …this illustrates how God was ‘one’ with mankind UNTIL separation occurred due to the FALL .In taking the woman OUT from the man and then joining them back together it is a picture of the REDEMPTIVE act of GOD …God went FIRST …the MAN is to love his wife FIRST and sacrificially in like manner. This is not ‘natural ‘ for the man as none of the COMMMANDS are either . This is so we see our NEED for our Savior and find that we MUST OBEY HIM in order to overcome this fallen state that we are born into .

    The MAN is responsible for the state of his marriage . If he is complaining about his wife or if he goes out and finds himself another woman he is ADMITTING that HE is NOT obedient to GOD , He is not capable of choosing a wife that he approves of, and HE is lazy and selfish! Hollywood does not paint that picture.

    I will forever view those men who are divorced and complain about the wife they had and cast blame upon her ..as FAILURES as MEN. They are babies and stay that way because they think women SHOULD respect them no matter HOW they behave.

    The section taught about women respecting their husbands is usually taught apart from the context which is full of exhortations FOR ALL to SUBMIT to the LORD …and under the LORD the man submits to all of the commands to himself …and thus with this obedience be VERY respectable! What woman would not respect and respond to a man who would treat her with the kind of love and care that the marital vows lay out!

    Another teaching that is held up is that of Esther. The idea is that woman should approach their husbands as ‘king’ with kid gloves. Taking care to only approach him at the ‘right times’ and in the ‘ right way’ in order to gain an ‘audience ‘ with him lest they arrouse his anger or rejection!

    This book in the Bible has many lessons but THAT is one that should cause some red flags to fly! The kind Esther had to approach was an EVIL KING ! This idea that men are to be coddled SHOULD ilicit indignation in man. Men should be insulted at the idea that a woman should have to cater to his fallen nature!

    The Lord has called upon HIS children to demonstrate the overcoming of the FALL …to reverse the curse in practice and to avoid at ALL costs the behavior of dominance and the kind of fearful servatude this kind of senario entails.

    No man is honored by having a woman who is afraid of him! To be equally yoked they are BOTH to be under the HEADSHIP of JESUS in all areas of LIFE …They are ONE FLESH and have ONE HEAD …or ‘source of life’ who is JESUS .

    If the man takes it upon himself to LORD OVER his WIFE in the capacity of a despot then he is NOT submitting to the commandments of GOD regarding marriage!

    The WOMAN is designed by GOD to respond just as the church is called to Christ in RESPONSE to HIS sacrificial love.

    Men who want to carry out the ‘rule’ aspect of the curse are STILL without the LORD in practical living and have eaten rotten ‘fruit’ of false doctrines that divide couples and steal , kill and destroy the intended blessing and image of redemption that we are given priviledge to participate in .

    The generations of chldren of these kinds of psuedo marriages are repelled and are not compelled to marry as we now see many have decided against what is far from what GOD has made the marriage covenant to be.

    Men need to man up and turn to GOD and repent. The woman’s movement would not have a leg to stand on if women have husbands who obey the LORD . I was studying the feminist material which arose from women being abandoned by husbands taken into the industrial revolutions promise of a life of increase. They left their homes to work all day in the factory and their families leadership fell to the wives. Wives lost their cottage industry and sons lost the fellowship with the fathers who were to train them up and initiate their growth into manhood and apprentice them in work . The children were taken into governement schools which would then be able to train up a population according to the Prussian model for the purpose of gaining a ‘worker’ class and a population easily led.

    The command for a man to train up his children in the way that they should go was left for the government ‘experts’ and women were idle and found a commradery among other women whose husbands began to ‘fellowship ‘ in the pubs after work , feeling entitled to some pleasure after working so hard all day.

    The family Bible became neglected and along with it the personal investment in knowing WHAT the Bible actually says . People lined the pews to be ‘fed’ when in truth they were only observers of one who they considered ” more qualified’ to interpret the scriptures.

    Without their OWN Bible knowledge they were ill equipped to discern what was TRUTH from the WORD or manipulation of scripture to the pleasure of the Flesh …

    Today few are interested in following the BIBLE and most are only familiar with scripture as it is regurgitated from the notes of men taught by the precept of men!

    How convient it is for those who desire to be LORD over others to teach that there is a divine ‘pecking order’ in marriage!

    A man chooses a wife but she has to agree and it is a GIFT from GOD when a woman surrenders her futuer into the care of a man . Many women do the best they can to identify a man who is qualified to be an honest and worthy mate. She certainly does not marry with the idea that she will be ignored or mistreated .

    The state of women today as they grow up in the education system that encourages sexual experimenting and free consumption of whatever the flesh desires has set a flood of young ladies clueless to what marriage involve in terms of ups and downs . They want sex because it has been awakened in them through secular teaching on the subject.

    They do not see value in marriage and will decide they will get whatever they ‘need ‘ from whomever they can , whenever they can.

    The married man who does not honor his vows and is not mature will seek to have ‘his needs met’ outside his marriage when the going gets tough and the relationship of marriage demands that he SACRIFICES for it.

    He is surrounded with ‘alternatives’ to GROWING up ….and the young women offer him a free and easy way to avoid his OWN growth !

    The society at large has fed people with images of wives as ‘the little woman’ , the ‘ball and chain’ …the ‘dowdy housewife’ ..while single women are seen as exciting and daring and something of an ‘icon of success’ for men on the fast track to the top!

    How many news stories lately display the painful expressions of women humiliated by celebrity husbands on whose arm is some willing clueless young lady who knew of his wife and children but STILL willingly and with enthusiasm entered into adultery ….

    WHERE will this end? The WORD is clear ….adulterers abound and will not inherit the kingdom of God and all because people do NOT obey the FIRST commandment which is to PUT GOD and KNOWING HIM and HIS WORD FIRST….the second command is more popular but is not even possible to carry out without FIRST responding obediently to the FIRST one…and the definition in the WORD of GOD OF the word LOVE is ‘This is love , to KEEP my commandments!’

    People cannot obey what they do not know [keep] . it has to be in the mind of a ‘christian’ to be obeyed …”Continue in my Word and then you are my disciples INDEED’ ….we are to KNOW the WORD and obey it …in every single person…

    The man is told to love and cherish is wife …starting by LEAVING all other aspects of life on this earth as SECONDARY to his relationship with his WIFE ….THEN he is to so INVEST HIMSELF in his relationship with his wife that it is called CLEAVING ….! The example of cleaving is seen well done in the movie Fireproof with the salt and pepper glued together ..

    The example of ONE FLESH would be better clarified if the guy had opened the shaker and poured the pepper INTO the salt …and then shook it up!

    Marriage ‘shakes up’ our selfish fleshly ways and provides ONE person who is invited INTO our very soul so we have someone that loves GOD and loves US enough to ‘have our back’ …we learn to trust them so that we KNOW when they speak we should at least consider what they stay.

    Many husbands disregard their MOST important asset to life because they do not regard the input of their wives.

    The woman is not superior to the man but she has many aspects that are provided in her design to be able to see facets of life he does not ! He would be WISE to hear her …

    Solomon was a wise nan but he MISUSED his wisdom and power …he learned the KEY to the heart of a woman but misused it …he LISTENED to the Queen of Shebah …and ANSWERED all of her questions ! She was amazed!

    He used this to open the hearts of many women …often to marry for the purpose of political safety …no king would attack a kingdom where his daughter was married to the King !

    The opening of a woman’s heart is a very irresponsible thing in todays dating venue. The man does this by showering her with attention, affection and acts of love. This raises her expectations that he will be a good husband as GOd as commanded such treatment …Yet the dishonest motives of a man are not known to him unless he applies the sword of the spirit to his thoughts and intentions …and thus he follows the trends of the time and a lockeroom mentality regarding women and a wife in specific.

    Once married he turns his effort to other aspects of ‘conquer’ and then wonders why his wife is not so ‘hot ‘ anymore . He spends his time, energy and attention and even affection all day with those he works with …many of whom are women whose own husbands neglect them ..and they EAT up his man’s offering….thus begins the danger zone of unmet needs of women in the workplace…unbound fleshly lust as promoted by the WORLD and culture …and the WIFE …at home …with children is left out in the cold …

    The rise of narcissism, open out of wedlock children portrayed through the media as the latest trend in celebrity ‘accessories’ is appalling .

    Young women trained in the feminist doctrines feel that they have a ‘right ‘ to have a child …and a ‘right’ to be a ‘single mom’!

    If you doubt this senario …My own husband met a woman who approached him while he was apart from me after our last baby was born ..He had had a ‘dry spell’ as it was a life threatening pregnancy. This woman approached him, He is powerful, successful , handsome and athletic. She is 17 my junior!

    While I was homeschooling our small children and thinking he was building his career , giving whatever time he could manage to us…HE was entering into adultery without any resistance from this woman who was told about us …KNEW us and did not mind being a mistress….after many years she pressured him for children with the tale of woe that she did not have time to meet any one so she could have children by an available man. He being guilty of ‘stealing’ years of her life complied.

    She had been a stranger in a restaurant. She crossed the room at time when my husband was transferred and apart from us and had had little sex because of the pregnancy and bed rest. She did not mind his being married and eventually she did not like her job so he hired her …and made her his partner …NOT uncommon in business at least the one he is in .

    I did not like it and told him so but did not want to appear “jealous’ . Having been in ministry I was operating on the paridigm that if I just loved him and demonstrated respect and only offered my input in a most gentle and tactful way that GOD would deal with him.

    16 years later after yet another horrendous move I found photographs of children I did not recognize in great quantity in his old brief case. HIS children with this woman! He at that point had given her over a million dollars to buy a house,. a car and take care of all her expenses because he felt he ‘should’ !

    She had been making over 100,000.00 year and had done “research’ to find out if being a ‘single mom’ was vialble for her . So SHE wanted the children and assured my husband that she would be the single parent!

    This has been VERY distructive to ALL of us …All the while I had been faithfully carrying out the duties and responsiblities of a wife as well as I had been able to learn …I tried to get him to involve himself in our family but as soon as I had the first baby and he began his career in finance HE TOLD me he did not want to be the leader or head of the family ….

    This man KNEW the WORD about marriage . He came from a ‘Leave it to Beaver ‘ type of family …they did not move around ,they had many extended family activities…HE rejected the WORD of GOD …turned away from fellowship and would NOT hear anyone …all from entering into a corporate world where they TRAIN people in seminars to ‘tolerate’ and to treat everyone the same!

    Marriage is very distinct and a closed relationship …WIVES are to be honored and treated with singular regard…HE dissolved all distinctions in treatment of me and waiting upon the Lord , teaching my children daily in the WOrd and homeschooling did not effect his lust for this woman who offered pleasure without any pressure or discomfort.

    Marriage DOES present a man with discomfort …and a woman …it is SUPPOSED to as it requires unselfishness and CHANGE …just like salvation ….

    We have to apply the WORD to our minds, thoughts , decisions and all aspect of life and the carnal mind does not enjoy this !

    Marriage is a true gift of GOD and a wonderful oppertunity to grow into the person that GOD has intended our lives to be in glory to HIM …and along with it we are given someone to love and trust and care for ..including speaking up when there is something endangering our relationship …HE WOULD NOT regard any of what I had to share in terms of my intuitive feelings when he showered is attention of the woman he worked with and I thought I should shut down my feelings because I had been taught jealousy is wrong …well some jealousy is PROTECTIVE when the marriage is threatened ! He either was niave or just plain loving the attention as he became BOSS of many people…

    Pride ,arrogance, entitlment , and the many young women who offer a man an ‘easy out’ from challenges that marriage present to him FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT … have become like a FLOOD ….and it abounds because judgment is WRESTED ….we are TOLD to JUDGE but those in the church who twist scripture saying ‘judge not’ do not include the whole context of scripture that speaks that we are to be equipped with the whole scripture in order to first examine our OWN LIVES …allowing the word to JUDGE us as it IS the judge of every man according to Jesus ….and then we are equipped to Judge …not by appearance but to judge RIGHTEOUS judgment .

    The present fear of men to judge and hold those who sin willfully and with abandon is causing the Lords name and body to be shamed …The women who are not plentifully offering up sex without any concern for the lives they destroy are not condemned…The man are being brought before cameras ..pleading sorrow and then reinstated without any further consequence for their crimes against GOD , their wives and families and against the covenant of marriage itself .

    God is not mocked …every sin HAS consequences within it …like a seed and the crop comes in eventually .

    Jesus saved us from the law of SIN and DEATH …but those who SIN willfully …and all DO know the MORAL Laws of GOd because according to ROMANS …all will give an account and they are without excuse!

    The second child which my husband claims he resisted giving her …now is suffering extreme physical and mental conditions that there is no cure for.

    What sorrow it is to see the lust of some people being cut loose from all restraint to the pain and suffering of many!

    Hopefully some will read this and heed it …but as the Lord said …some WILL NOT believe even if one rose from the dead to warn them….HE HAS …and they STILL go down the road of least resistance in the name of ‘rights to be happy and comfortable’

    As of now we have worked for three years on our marriage …much is very difficult because he still pays her TWICE the required child support so she can keep her house and her lifestyle. This is to the continued hurt of our family …but a marriage covenant is a BLOOD covenant and no man puts it asunder.

    God grants a man ONE wife….for ONE FLESH …it is a covenant TILL DEATH ….

    My husband is beginning to see the truths of the Word but it is difficult because he has children that he cannot truly ‘father’ as he DID not truly learn fathering …but actually related to ours and those as almost playthings…he did not disciple …set limits …bring consequences [lest he suffer their not loving him!] he has remained a child with too much power financially to BUY off what he has done …it only has damaged HIS OWN soul and progress in growing into a man.

    This is a sad and grievous state but what is impossible with MAN is possible with GOD …but the god given boundaries concerning marriage are GOING to be painful now for him moreso than before.

    The carnal mind is at ENMITY AGAINST GOD …it fights against the changes that are necessary to walk in the TRUTH …God has done HIS part …and man has been given so much to access the LORD in all of the ways he must in order to obey those commands so that GOD is glorified

    The flesh cannot be ‘reformed ‘ but it is to be “put to death’ …and THAT is something that many people are not made aware of in many of the present day feel good doctrinal teachings.

    Sin makes one stupid if the lust of the flesh is all that one is concerned about serving .

    • Nancy says:

      WOW Kris…I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share a part of your life…and the knowledge of the word that you have gained. I know this is the heartache of many women, including myself…longing for men to understand this…anyway I just wanted to stand in agreement with you, and offer support for what you are going through…

    • Belinda says:

      I feel your pain!!! I too had a husband who constantly cheated with married women. I also homeschooled for the duration of our marriage. I took him back after a seperation period where he told me that “God told him to come back” I told him that it was his very last chance and everything went well on the surface. We were going to church, reading the Bible as a family, observing the Sabbath every week, going out on dates every week, he was coming home on time and saying all the right things to me. I believed that he was TRULY becoming the man of God I had prayed for so long, but all the while he was having yet another affair behind my back for a year and a half. The wifes husband called me and told me about it. I have since divorced. Life is hard for the children and I have been forced to go to work full time. Our lives changed tremendously. I still hold on to my faith every day and I wish that people would learn exactly what you are talking about. I believe that couples should be in premarital counseling and real life situations before marriage. I wish I had known then what I know now!!!
      Keep the Faith and your commitment to God above all else. Thanks for sharing your story.

  15. Kris says:

    Helpmeet describes a marriage relationship where:

    A husband and wife spend as much time as possible together

    A husband keeps his wife in the forefront of his mind at all times

    And a wife is helping her husband to become Christlike by pointing out areas in his character that are not consistent with that plan.

    If a man does not regard GOD and love Him enough to desire to grow into the man that GOD has intended him to be then he will not be apt to intentionally change > to enter into the Walk in Christ requires an attitude and expectation to CHANGE …. …He is not to be changed to suit the wife’s flesh but to suit the paradigm that GOD has given to the husband in marriage to love his wife proactively and respect her as well .

    Women are RESPONDERS by godly DESIGN for the purpose of reflecting to the husband how well he is doing in the agape department.

    Marriage as GOD designed it is a SPIRITUAL covenant that is to be reflected in the physical realm as the TWO become ONE FLESH by both submitting to the LORD .

    If the person is a NATURAL MAN he has NO ability to KNOW the things that are spiritual …He MUST have the spirit of GOD to be able to obey the WORD of GOD .

    1Cr 2:14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know [them], because they are spiritually discerned.

    “NEITHER CAN HE KNOW THEM” ….

    There are those who claim to follow Christ but do not read the word or examine themselves by the context of the whole revealed word of GOD to be able to KNOW the things of the spirit….of which MARRIAGE is one.

    So those without the spirit of GOD are not equipped to follow after…they tend to view all things through the veil of the flesh and interpret by their flesh …what they SEE ….what they FEEL ….

    1Jo 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

    A man that KNOWS GOD ..who IS love [ agape ] is thus equipped to truly obey this command to love his wife properly according to the TRUTH of what God means when he is talking about ” love’

    The fear that a man may have that causes him to dominate his wife comes from that idea that the WOMAN is “TRYING ” to CHANGE him …when it was GOD’S plan for the marriage covenantal relationship to function in help to change our lives to conform to Christ .

    We are transformed by the renewing of our minds to put on the mind of Christ which also demands obedient conformity to the WORDS …that makes CHANGES in us .

    We are brought into relationship with others which stimulates change…marriage being the most intimate by God’s PURPOSE.

    The study of the differences by design of GOD DOES indicate that a man is to change through the loving care and concern for his WIFE …while he is being faithful to that end …SHE responds ..they BOTH change…

    THIS is what is commanded by GOD …so any preconceived fears a man has of his wife ‘trying to change him ‘ indicate that he is unlearned and immature in his knowledge of the scriptures concerning life and godliness.

    Most people seek pleasure over the pain of submitting to God’s method of PURIFYING …through suffering the death of the influence of the carnal mind by OBEYING the WORD in all things.

    If a man does not trust his choice in the character of the woman he marries enough to rest in the commands of GOD to love her as commanded …then he should rethink WHY he is marrying someone that he is so fearful of their intentions in marrying him!

  16. LeeAnn says:

    Thank you, Mark. Great insights as always.

    Kris, I think I’d take the money and move on… You are absolved of this man. Tell him to move out and send the child support and alimony on a timely basis…

    • Kris says:

      LeeAnn … I appreciate your effort to support and comfort me in this situation but I also have to examine from the WORD what GOD would have me do .

      The marriage covenant is a picture or image of the reconciliation of man back to GOD through sacrificial love.

      Woman was taken OUT of man and then the two joined together …made ONE FLESH upon the making of a vow to GOD and to each other …the vow to GOD still stands.

      The one flesh was the act of the Lord upon the taking of that vow and entering into the blood covenant which was the FIRST covenant established in the WOrd …even prior to Abraham.

      Marriage is a very important priveledge for MAN …who is representative of Christ in the marriage as the command TO the MAN is to love his wife AS Christ loved the CHURCH aka HIS BRIDE.

      So then the marriage is to be the demonstration of the ONENESS that GOD intended for us to have with him ..had it before the FALL and He allowed all of this so that HE could DEMONSTRATE his MERCY and GRACE and LOVE through sacrifice.

      The man is told to act just as Jesus Christ demonstrated in His life and death in order to gain his BRIDE ..the church …He loved GOD so much that he obeyed GOD to the DEATH of the FLESH .

      Man who marries takes on the opportunity to DIE TO his FLESH and offer up his life in loving his WIFE ..faithfully .

      This is a GREAT responsibility and privileged that is intended to GROW the man and to fulfill the LAW as “LOVE is the fulling of the law “. This LOVE is “agape’ which is from GOD ..He is to SO LOVE GOD that he sacrificially loves his wife in order to demonstrate the way Christ loved the church …

      Marriage is thus a demonstration to all that GOD is FOR ONENESS that comes about through sacrifice .

      The man is to go first even as the Bible tells us ‘we love Him because HE loved US FIRST ”

      As in following the example of Jesus Christ the MAN is to love his wife FIRST ..initiating love ..and the woman’s godly design as responder does not predispose HER sacrificial love . Women being designed to love sacrificially as mothers …and also as pronounced that ‘she would DESIRE her husband ‘ as part of the result of the FALL …was not to be the standard for those redeemed FROM THE CURSE of the LAW.

      The redeemed husband in Christ desiring to walk NOT by the flesh but by the spirit should be most interested in denying himself , taking up the cross and following Christ who redeemed us from the law OF SIN AND DEATH and the resulting curses.

      The curse upon the woman was that she would DSIRE her husband and HE would RULE over her….not that he SHOULD but that his carnal nature would be prone to dominate and conquer and it would be turned upon his wife.

      In marriage the challenges are MEANT to result in a man seeing his NEED to go to GOD to reverse this natural inclination and to obey the command to him to SACRIFICIALLY love , protect , honor and live life according to knowledge of his wife …in order that he would enjoy her RESPONSE.

      What woman would enter marriage to try to run the show and dominate her husband …she might as well stay single. The Genesis verse about this is telling us that the curse of this situation is that the man in his fallen unregenerate state would seek to dominate or ‘rule’ and that in Christ a man should be willing to seek in the word the keys to living with his wife according to the redemptive state of the renewed mind and the redeemed of GOD through Jesus Christ.

      In the marriages that have been torn up by sinful and willful rebellion to GOD there is much pain and suffering but indeed Jesus told us that in the world we would suffer persecution but HE has OVERCOME the WORLD …we apply the truth to our daily challenges and allow the power of the Lord to do the overcoming of all evil, we overcome evil with GOOD and the ONLY GOOD is GOD and his WORD is the powerful spirit of GOD .

      I am thinking that to allow for GOD to use this broken state of our relationship to demonstrate HIS REDEMPTION and restoration is really something that is needed in today’s culture of throw away relationships.

      2Ti 2:3 Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

      It is so often said “Doesn’t GOD want you to be ‘happy’ but the word of GOD calls us to walk in obedience and to stay IN CHRIST and in the covenants that we have made WITH HIM

      I am thinking that no matter where we are or who we are with there are going to be challenges in close relationships . Why not stick with the one I know and have worked with for all these years and wait upon the LORD to do what he will …I am curious.

      I have faced many trials in life …single and married. I have had a lot of good things and experiences but the best parts of my testimony have been when I have had to lean upon and wait upon the Lord and to rely upon his rescuing as I stayed PUT on whatever I was able to determine was the WORD to the best of my growth and knowledge. He has matured my faith and grown my knowledge and corrected my doctrinal understanding many times through this process.

      People and emotions fluctuate …we know this …

      God is ever the same and stable . His intentions in life have been established and revealed in his WORD .

      His will is NOT fragmented relationships for even his very SELF is ONE LORD …

      He seeks those who are willing to be molded and formed into HIS image within and to allow that unity to be manifested in every area of our lives.

      Sometimes I think that the teaching of things like the condition of the mind of a man being compartmentalized is something that may be true of the man who is yet UNLEARNED or does not have the mind of Christ but the MIND of CHRIST that WE are told to “put on’ is unified and WHOLE …not compartmentalized …in fact the word for INTEGRITY is all about WHOLENESS < unity and oneness of purpose and application .

      So whatever we must do as we live IN the WORLD and not "of it" are we not blessed to be called to allow GOD to demonstrate HIS ability in and through the most trying and 'impossible ' situations?

      And if I am faithful …happiness is something that MAY come or not ..but to be able to keep my word and God's Word, to the end of the race is something most compelling no matter HOW it may play out in terms of what OTHERS do to me or around me .

      this does not imply that we are to be 'doormats' for the Lord but to speak the TRUTH …for it is LOVE to bring that Word forth from where we have sown it in our hearts and minds. As HE brings it to mind we reproof , rebuke and exhort. The Bible functions as ALL of that …what it functions is according to the hearer …to the person who is walking according to the truth it is exhortation ..to the person who is in sin ..it reproves…if he loves the LORD then it does not make him MAD to hear it ..but to be thankful that the LORD has sent someone to REMIND him of what he ought to be thinking and doing .

      Those who love GOD love the WORD and seek in it daily. It is meat to eat that many do not know of but we offer it daily as we are provided with those who the LORD places in our path…It is an easy way …for HE is LORD of ALL …and those that regard him AS their LORD hear his voice…and know it .

      I thank you for the opportunity to express this…I am most curious to see HOW GOd works this one out … Because I never really saw it coming and I never thought it would happen in our family as I was very careful to examine my husband before marriage about all things especially his love for GOD . I can only observe that the downward trend that HE experienced came as soon as he decided to ignore the command to become ARMED with the knowledge of the WORD and to live IN it.

      There is no neutral ground in this walk we are in …if we are not growing in the knowledge and practice of the TRUTH then we are being effected by the world as it presses into us through either pressure or pleasure …either way a person must be vigilant about what he SEES ….or DOES …remember the exhortation that it is better to pluck out our eye or rip of a limb than to lose out in eternity …co incidentally that is in the context of a man to "FLEE fornication" !

      The sins that so easily beset us come by EYES and TOUCHING outside the boundaries set by GOD to provide for our best in the realm of physical love and personal depth of response to his COMMANDS for HIS GLORY!

  17. Brandy says:

    What excellent analogies: sex is like a drug and a fire – both powerful and of great benefit when used according to instructions.
    Mark, this is great stuff, keep up the good work! To add one thing, sex is the ultimate face to face form of communication, and healthy marriages must protect and preserve all forms of communication to keep the sex good (for the girls anyway.) Thank you!

  18. Mike says:

    Great article Mark!

    More people need to become aware of these truths before they make huge mistakes. I wish I could have know this back in 1977 when I began dating my first wife. We both were Christian teenagers at the time, and our relationship escalated to the point of being sexually involved. This was a huge mistake for both of us, as our abilities to see the other person clearly were impaired. We got married in 1980 because I couldn’t let go of the relationship, and she settled for someone she didn’t really love. Our marriage never got off the ground. It was on perpetual marriage counseling and life support for 14 years, until she began having affairs. Then I pulled the plug. Oh the heartache that both of us, and our two kids could have avoided if only I understood the consequences of our actions…

  19. Colleen Christopher says:

    Wow! I could feel these writings were filled with passion, hurt & emotion. I’ve been working on my sense of self after 22 years of
    a failed marriage. I don’t have any easy answers, but I do know
    that sex only complicates things, even when we swear it won’t. I
    visualize a sign that says, “Beware of men” & especially “Beware of
    men that drink” “Caution: Might start out nice, but ends bad” I am
    a Christian women & it is still hard. I’m aware that the unattainable
    man is the one I want. Like the apple on the apple tree. I usually
    don’t want the one I’m married to, & feel disgust with the most. For Kristi- Keep on trying if you want, or give up, it’s your choice. Thanks for your heart filled writing. My adice? Focus on something else. In the meantime, just live in the season. Maybe, we shouldn’t try so hard.

  20. Kris says:

    Hey Colleen thank you for your reply and comments.

    The effort I see that is according to scripture is to put on the mind of Christ and to continue in His Word which in time with perseverance and patience brings forth the truth which makes us free.

    From forty years of deliberately attending to this process of allowing God to correct whatever I may have accepted without examining it’s source and whether it is in accord with scripture I have experienced the eventual instruction of what is truth and what is not in terms of what I have believed or been taught .

    I believe that this is the process that all those who are looking unto Jesus who is the author and finisher of our salvation will see …We are told to continue in his word and then we will be his disciples or disciplined ones indeed.

    When we are disciples we expect changes …we should expect the ‘pain’ that comes with that .

    To change from living according to accepted doctrines that are from a tradition to a willingness to be led to examine ALL of our assumptions by the process of the study of the word and allowing IT to define it’s terms and unfold the truth and the paradigms of God’s intentions within living our lives accordingly we are going to be brought to the ‘straight ‘ places where we have to decide to change our minds to line up with the Word of GOD or stay in the comfort of the ‘many’ who accept that life is as someone else has told them it is .

    I think that the trouble is often the foundational point of view of where scripture comes from . The testimony of scripture is that it is “God breathed’ , did not come BY the WILL OF MAN …but holy men of God SPAKE AS THEY WERE MOVED by the HOLY SPIRIT…Thus the WORD is SPIRIT and LIVING according to the testimony of Jesus Christ and it is functional as a person is meek to receive it and persistent in allowing it to reveal error of thought in us ..and as we are being cleansed over and over of layers of living life by ‘commonly held ‘ assumptions about the Bible , God, and all of the truths shared in various forms around us …the ultimate truth of the WORD WILL be made known IF we are willing to obey what we find…and choose to follow that rather than the keeping of those things that do not challenge what is commonly accepted even though the applications have proven false and detrimental.

    God is TRUTH and HE has stated that NO MAN KNOWS who he is …only the SON and HE to whom the SON reveals him …and that is through the WORD …first seeking in it …then submitting to what is found ,…daily …over time and waiting upon his bringing about the use of ALL scripture …

    That takes effort on the part of each person to READ it …for themselves with a heart to be taught by the author through living it .

    Thus we DO have SOMETHING assigned to us to DO …

    Jesus paid for our state of separation that the disobedience of Adam has caused …SIN …

    we are to apply that salvation by receiving the engrafted Word that is ABLE to save our souls as we LIVE or “abide” in it ….IT must ‘abide’ or live IN us if we are to have our lives transformed by the renewal of the mind to HIS WORD ….in our minds and then acted upon in every circumstance and situation .

    Leaning upon HIM and not our OWN understanding is required …but many people who claim Christ do not actually fill their minds with the word but rely upon others ….

    I liken it to watching someone else eating a hamburger …many sit in pews …hear what was intended to whet the appetite to go and study the things that came to mind themselves but they leave thinking they have ‘had the meal ‘ ..

    We may be encouraged by someone elses sharing what GOD has led them to understand but until we go and dine upon the bread that came down from heaven ourselves…eating our own “Bread ‘ of the word …there is little or no ‘nutrition ‘ from that bread …It must be consumed , digested and utilized in action for us to truly LIVE by it …

    Rom 8:1 [There is] therefore now no condemnation to them which are IN Christ Jesus, who WALK NOT AFTER THE FLESH , but after the Spirit.

    The “SPIRIT” ? Jesus said …

    Jhn 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the WORDS that I speak unto you, [they] ARE SPIRIT, and [they] are life.

    If we do not spend time and concern with first allowing GOD to speak to us through the ALL TRUTH …HIS WORD …then we do not HAVE HIS equipment to walk BY IT …!

    Any external ‘fix’ for any challenge in life that is godly will bring about the god intended results…ie blessings and GLORIFICATION OF THE LORD .

    The right application of the MARRIAGE covenant is paramount in the glorification of God’s sacrificial redemption of putting back together what was once ONE .

    Woman was TAKEN OUT of MAN …and then put back together through GOD’S marriage covenant which was designed to bring attention to the truth that what was once ONE became separated …just like mankind from his once oneness with GOD before the FALL ,.

    In order to demonstrate MERCY and GRACE …the FALL brought about a means to demonstrate to us GOD’S attributes of mercy , grace, patience, holiness and creative strength in overcoming this separation.

    That GOD designed the soul to be ‘transferable ‘ in the beginning speaks of the plan he had in mind to allow man to be a fellow laborer in the various aspects of salvations plan

    Man has the oppertunity to carry out his part in and when he is now obedient to the commands ..beginning with the FIRST COMMAND which requires him to love GOD with ALL his heart , soul , MIND and strength BEFORE he is able to carry out any of the other commandments.

    To do so God has told us that HIS LOVE is to be done thusly…

    Jhn 14:15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.

    You cannot ‘keep ‘ what you do not KNOW …thus we must First SEEK HIM …and HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS>..as he has commanded us to do!

    We seek by seeking IN the WORD …but in order to do that we must believe that HE IS…AND

    Hbr 11:6 But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and

    [that] he is a rewarder of them that DILIGENTLY SEK him.

    The faint seeker or the lazy seeker is being stolen from if he is not diligent to continue in the Word and to daily eat it.

    Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

    2Ti 2:15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

    The life that is THE WORD is for us to take upon us and walk in…it is not hard but those who desire to do so have to participate…

    Jhn 8:31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, [then] are ye my disciples indeed;

    It seems that spiritual inability and weakness is due to two things…neglect of personal study of the whole of scripture which would eventually take care of the other thing….wrong doctrinal understanding …due often to accepting into practice something presented as truth from the Bible but is in truth NOT so …even if it is a sincere person teaching it .

    The truth has been the target of the enmity of GOD from the Fall …

    The ultimate enemy according to the Bible is ONE thing primarily ..the fleshly mind of fallen man.

    Rom 8:7 Because the carnal mind [is] enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.

    Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

    2Cr 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

    Without the Word as laid in a foundation of knowledge of it …for IT IS TRUTH …there is no criteria for us to recognize when we are hearing what is truth or not …and many deceptions are coming at us in a MIXTURE.

    Who do you believe? Others? Your own feelings and opinions? or are we willing to submit to the WORD and change our thinking in order to grow in the knowledge and thus application of it to every thought and high thing that comes across our path to our own destruction and the harm to others?

    In compassion and love that is phileo we often will be persuaded to go soft on sin …for the sake of relationship and we all have done that …but GOD has called us to DENY OURSELVES even if it is costly in terms of popularity …for those who hate the LORD or TRUTH will reject and hate those who ‘bring it’ to mind.

    We do not ‘earn’ salvation but we apply salvation’s perimeters to our lives and that is something that takes some effort to submit to …to live IN the finished work of Christ require those who desire to do so to ‘enter into the strait gate …and walk in a way that is narrow and tends to become MORE narrow as the LORD through is Word brings us to see whatever thing is obstructing or opposing our walk through the means of areas of lack of knowledge or false assumptions.

    This process is lifelong.

    Gal 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

    We are not equipped to the “doing of good works ‘ until we are IN HIM …in our lives..

    The ‘good works’ are in living IN HIS WORKS that are DONE IN us …and then inspire and promote godly external behaviors ..

    Jam 1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

    Tts 1:9 Holding fast the faithful word as he hath been taught, that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort and to convince the gainsayers.

    1Cr 6:20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

    1Cr 7:23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.

    All men are not our “brothers” if we are truly endeavoring to follow Christ….as JESUS defined the term …

    Mat 12:50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

    Mar 3:35 For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.

    This distinction has been clouded by secular humanist teaching and thought that permeates our culture …it clouds the application of the scriptures as well . We are not to do ill to anyone but to SOME the teaching of Biblical truth is ‘evil’

    We need to get GOD’S perspective and definition of terms to live rightly by them

    Isa 55:8 For my thoughts [are] not your thoughts, neither [are] your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

    We can know what HIS thoughts are through the word he has brought to us!

    Thus we need to get to the place where no matter how anyone feels about it …or even our own feelings…GODS word is the first and last word on what we are to think and do …it is HIS perspective upon our fallen world that is useful to avoid being stolen from …and ultimately lost .

    Jesus told us that many would assume they are saved …but HIS perspective and conditions are what define the success or failure of our receiving that gracious gift . HE stated ..

    Mat 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

    A couple of key words here to examine are ‘iniquity ‘ and ‘knew’ ….Notice many will say that they KNOW who GOD is but GOd has stated …

    Luk 10:22 All things are delivered to me of my Father: and no man knoweth who the Son is, but the Father; and who the Father is, but the Son, and [he] to whom the Son will reveal [him].

    NO one knows GOD except if the SON reveals HIM to them and that is done THROUGH the knowledge and trusting in the WORD …

    In that statement to those who “worked iniquity’ …it is good to understand that ‘inquity’ means “law LESS ness’ …without the LAW ..all of God’s WORD is LAW…

    We have been saved from the law of SIN and DEATH ..as our soul may be transferred from dying WITH the FLESH which is STILL going to die…

    We may be translated into the kingdom of his dear son through the knowledge and application of the word to the putting to ‘death’ the influence of the carnal mind ….

    The word “KNOW” in the form JESUS used in that most startling verse is also used meaning ‘to impregnate’ …we see that in the parable of the sower that the WORD is spoken of as a seed…..we also see that whenever the Bible speaks of a man ‘knowing ‘ his wife it results in a pregnancy.

    The word being a seed is to IMPREGNATE our lives and thus bring forth the new creation as we eat it ..and LIVE BY AND IN it …it grows that new creation of the spirit of GOD IN US …and we are translated or ‘moved into” that new mansion as we live by it in this life and on into eternity …IT is the body we have now on the inside of our earthly body {TEMPLE} in this lifespan…

    Those who die to their flesh NOW by way of applying the sword of the spirit TO their fleshly carnal mind and behavior are not going to die WITH that flesh upon it’s expiration but are housed with the spirit of GOD which is their new ‘body ‘ in eternity.

    Since we do not experience spirit as tangible here in this realm we must not assume that it does not have a tangible substance in eternity …for as we see Jesus had a body that could be handled and seen in this realm as he so chose to demonstrate…

    But in eternity with him our soul will be housed.

    Those that do not become ‘impregnated ‘ [known] during this life time …having the BOOK of LIFE written IN them will not have a ‘house’ and so will be cast back down to wander without a house….or as the scriptures put it they will be homeless souls ..seeking a ‘place’ that is swept and clean …

    let us CONTINUE in those things that the LORD defines as necessary to obey the First commandment and HE will build within us and through us what HIS will and GLORY intend.

    Mat 7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

    That is probably WHY the Word exhorts us to study , put on , arm ourselves with and abide in HIS WORD…

  21. Nicole says:

    I agree that sex must be like some kind of drug that makes you stupid. I, too, can attest to countless friends who have blindly stayed in terrible relationships and entered horrible marriages after having sex outside of marriage.

    I myself am a 36 year old virgin thoroughly enjoying the single life. I thank God for my independence and this extra time of maturity and building my relationship with God. If I had allowed myself to have sex with one of the guys I had previously dated, I can imagine I could have missed the huge red flags that were telling me, “Not the one!” or even, “Not a good man!” Woe unto me if I had married one of these.

    However, being celibate is like being sober. Just ’cause you’re not drunk doesn’t mean you’re thinking clearly. But it definitely helps.

  22. Angie says:

    I love Mark’s humour on the truths of marriage. What a great way to communicate. I think his gifting is unique and much needed, as we see from some of the postings here. Put all this advice into practice along with the revelational truths from Dr. Gary Chapman’s excellent book,”The 5 Love Languages, how to express love to your spouse” and maybe we can see marriages healed ,nurtured, guarded and enjoyed. Practical advice is so valuable. I bet there are countless couples out there, crying out to God for help. Well, He is a practical God and has gifted men and women with the ability to give real tangible answers. It is easy to say that the Holy Spirit is the helper(which He is!) but He often comes to us in tangible forms. After all, marriage is not just there for us to enjoy, but as a prophetic demonstration for the world to see. My heart goes out to you guys who are having a “hell of a time” in your marriage. Let the God of HOPE rise in your heart!

  23. Bob the Chef says:

    I agree overall, but I don’t believe in sex being using to cloud one’s vision in marriage. This is a cheap explanation (more below). In Christianity, sex has two chief purposes: the procreative and the unitive. These two must not be separated from sex. What this means is that even within marriage, lust is verboten. Lust undermines love and it is lust that makes one stupid, inside marriage and out (although in marriage, it very quickly looses traction because it is like all irrational appetites, something like an itch, which once scratched, no longer needs scratching). It is likely the reason why most marriages fail; the other is reduced to an object. Romanticism is nothing but a clean tablecloth draped over the heap of dung known a lust. It is an escapist’s deluded hope, or distraction.

    Second, blinding oneself to the truth is perhaps the stupidest thing you can do. This is no better than sticking your head in the sand. It does nothing to grow your character. Marriage is not something one does for comfort. It’s guiding principle should be both procreative beneficence under all aspects and the perfection of of the character. As with all things in life, it must be conditioned on the end goal, the final cause of a human being. Many people marry for the wrong reasons, a motion rife with nihilism. So, sex does not exist for the purpose of clouding one’s vision. If something about them is irritating you to the point that you need to stupefy yourself into having it not bother you, then clearly you’ve committed the same problem the dumb couples you’ve described above have committed. And who gets seriously bent out of shape over toilet seats to the degree that you need a powerful flood of neurotransmitters to relax you?

    Marriage is not an act of charity. It is not primarily an act of friendship (although friendship within marriage can be great thing).

    Basically, your standards need to be higher. What you are saying amounts to denial of things which bother you which a) means truth is not longer of the highest value to you, which is an automatic disqualification of love, and b) that you are secretly motivated by something you either don’t fully consciously allow yourself to see (another denial) or that you won’t admit (also denial).

    Virtue demands that we not give sin an inch!

  24. Andrew says:

    My great grandmother was going out with a guy who told her that he did not drink alcohol and when she found out that she did she dropped him like a hot potato, after she had married my great grandfather someone asked why she had married Audley as he enjoyed the occasional beer to which she replied that she had not dropped the other guy because he drank but because he had lied to her about it and if he was lying when they were courting she’d would be able to trust him when they were married.

  25. Happiness says:

    Wow, i just reading all your comments, am just young woman(20) and you ladies makes me to be scared of marrige, it looks like marrige is a world of fairy tales, deciet and hard heart work… The things is you never know how things turn out with husbands… Christian or not… Waiting for marrige to have sex is good thing that i understand, but besides the sex and the fairy tale life… What scares the most is the thought of gambling with my heart and time… I think staying single and lonely with lots of female friends and listening to their bad or good stories will save me a heart ache in future… I rather be nun

  26. LKH says:

    Excellent advice, Mark. The “cloudy vision” or I as I have called it “the rose colored glasses” effect is exactly what I taught my boys and all their friends. I have a 24 year old son who is married and a 20 year old son who is still a virgin!! Some of his friends are also virgins. Miracles never cease! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

  27. ANGELA says:

    I agree that sex before marriage is wrong and so many do it. I would like to know is there any divorced men who would date and wait on sex until marriage. I have seen the mistake of bringing sex into a relationship and then getting married and overlooking things that are dealbreakers. I made a vow that I WILL NEVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN AND START OVER AND DO IT Gods way. I TOLD THIS TO A FRIEND WHOM IS A GUY AND HE SAID GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMEONE WHO WOULD WAIT.

  28. LKH says:

    Mark, YOU ARE RIGHT ON TARGET WITH THIS ARTICLE!! Thank you for sharing your GOD given gift of wisdom & discernment on the subject of marriage!!! You are wonderful

  29. Blair says:

    I think that the problem is the belief that a man is “trying to win you over” at dating.

    this implies not only that you are something to be won, but also contributes to the idea of scarcity in the dating pool. For the most part, there is no scarcity of a ailable partners to date. when you pull out all of he undesirables: obese, emotional problems, mental illness, live too far away, and recluses. You really end up with about the same number of women and me looking for matches in most urban areas.

    By realizing this, we can all begin to understand that we all have needs that need to be met, and sex is one of the most basic needs of all. Sex is on the bottom tier of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, he believed it so important, that he put it on the same tier as: food, warmth, water, and air.

    To tell any person to deny a most basic need is horrible. In many ways, these teachings are holdovers that come more from the The Great Awakening movement, and the Women’s Prohibition Movement of the early parts of the 20th century, than they do from any biblical source.

    It is important to realize when our worldview has begun to infiltrate our beliefs of what God wants us to do. There are many that claim that God feels this way or that way, about certain issues of the day, because a church leader told them so, or they have a certain pet passage in the bible that they believe alludes to God’s taking their side on a rligious issue.

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