Love is Like a Greased Pig!

“I just don’t feel what I used to feel for you.”
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“I believe I’ve found my soul mate…and it isn’t you.”
Or as the Righteous Brothers sang, “You’ve lost that loving feeling.”

However people want to word it, the bottom line is this: the fabulous and intense experience of our early love isn’t there anymore. I guess it wasn’t true love after all.

In the wonderful movie classic, The Princess Bride, the cotton-mouthed, speech-challenged priest talks about “true love” (or “twuuuu wuv” as he says it!) at the wedding ceremony of Princess Buttercup and Prince Humperdink. He states that true love will follow you forever. While it makes for a great movie line, in reality it is a bunch of nonsense. True love doesn’t follow you like a little puppy that is constantly there. It’s actually more like a greased pig! You have to chase after it and pursue it. You have to run it down and tackle it and when it gets away, you go after it one more time. You may finally get a hold of it for a while, but then the little rascal can slip away and you have to chase it down again.

I know, I know—a greased pig isn’t all that romantic of an analogy to use, but it surely is more realistic and more accurate! Men and women who ascribe to all this romantic fantasy stuff will be sorely disappointed. So many people actually think that love and marriage will always be easy; that it will always be a skip through the meadow with birds chirping and butterflies flitting and the orchestra playing in the background. They think that the emotional high and buzz they experience at the beginning of dating or marriage will always be there. “Our love is true love and it will never fade!” That’s why so many people become disillusioned once they get into marriage—and sometimes it doesn’t take very long at all. They think that they have “fallen out of love” with their spouse once the flames of passion begin to die down to a smoldering ember.

Of course our feelings change over time. There is no way that the initial euphoria can go on and on. It gives way to a deeper and more mature kind of love. The stages of marriage have been well documented in the research. That initial high that people experience at the onset usually only lasts six months to two years. Once the buzz is gone, the mistake that people often make is to allow their “feelings” to dictate their actions. They don’t feel that rush of emotion that they associated with love in the beginning; therefore, they assume they aren’t in love any more. And naturally, since they don’t feel love, they reason (wrongly) that they must be true to their feelings. As a result, many cash in their marriages to try and find someone that they can feel in love with again. Sadly there are people who go from relationship to relationship and marriage to marriage, yet never learn the reality that they will never find a person with whom they will share all that heat, magic, and excitement every day for the rest of their lives.

The stuff of life happens—kids, in-laws, exhaustion, dirty laundry, lack of sex, so on and so on… Sometimes it’s huge stuff like loss of a job, death, serious illness, an accident or other catastrophes. But it’s in these “for worse” times that real love is fostered and developed. It’s easy to have all the happy feelings toward someone when everything is going great. But true love, the kind that Scripture talks about, is tested and tried in the difficult times. True love requires patience, perseverance, dying to self, and forgiving.

Feelings are fleeting, that’s why you have to chase after love. Be intentional. Pay attention to the girl, give the boy some extra time and focus on one another. One of the reasons new love is so exciting is simply due to the exorbitant amount of time that the couple spends together. Sadly, after a few years and a child or two, they spend little to no time with one another. How on earth do they expect their relationship to survive, much less thrive? No wonder there are not many feelings of love left!

Make your spouse and your marriage important. If you rarely see each other and are not investing time and energy into the marriage, it won’t work. Try growing plants without tending and watering them. Or think of your pet—no dog or cat would survive without basic care and feeding. Neither will your relationship.

So, go after it! Wrestle that greased pig to the ground and when it squirts out of your grasp and gets away, chase it down again. Realize that it is work and commitment that allows you to hold on to love… as greasy and slippery as it can be sometimes! Don’t let it just squeal and run away.

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53 Responses to “Love is Like a Greased Pig!”

  1. Colleen Christopher says:

    Yes, they go kicking and screaming. There is no communication,
    no planning, no compromising. The pig is slippery and squeals
    loud. But after a 22-years ending in divorce, I have learned
    that the pig was worth keeping. All you do, is find other pigs.

      • missy says:

        Yes, “compromise” means “do things my way”. We are always the ones chasing the pigs. Would be nice if they chased us back.

    • Raymond Richmond says:

      Dear Colleen,
      Too bad this happened! Mine divorced me simply because she no longer wanted to share all that we had gained in possessions over the years, to make sure that her 3 children from a previous marriage inherits it all. So, I just walked away to find someone new, and I did. God replaced her with a woman that God chose, and that I love even more than I did her! Learn to let it go, and move on. You cannot justify it,and neither can he. I hold no more hurt toward her, I put it all in God’s hands!

  2. Dilli says:

    Interesting analogy but it fits the situation well. A marriage is continuous work in progress. Looking forward to your take on the different stages of marriage and what to expect in each stage. Thanks.

  3. Pastor Rance says:

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run across this situation in my pre-marriage classes. Most couples are ‘in love with being in love’, and are shocked when I tell them that unless they move past this stage, they are quickly headed towards divorce before they even take their vows. True love MUST mature in to something more – and it is hard work! My wife and I experienced the greatest amount of growth in our marriage when we were faced with incredible challenges – and worked through it with prayer, leaning on the Lord, and each other. Thanks for posting this – I pray it helps other couples as they prepare for MARRIAGE, and not just for a WEDDING.

  4. sonia spackman says:

    I cannot tell you how darling and handsome my husband looks as he has been reading your book to me the last several evenings. His dimples are magnified and his grin charming as he laughs and makes fun of himself, and me. The stories and situations you describe in your book seem like you have been a fly on the wall in our house! You have been gifted by God to give the Lord’s message to marrieds in very clear and candid ways. Hmmm… I think I’ll ask my husband to do something special tonight, but first I want flowers and a card inviting me. I had better call him at work and let him know it’s coming!

  5. Nicole says:

    I agree with what you said BUT what if you’re married to a narcissist who is happy with a doormat wife and doesn’t want to grow? What would you say to that doormat wife if you knew that she married (at 21) the man who started a sexual affair with her when she was 14 and he was 27 and married? Is she supposed to “make it work” after such emotional abuse? I appreciate everything you are saying because I agree that so many people get so wrapped up in the wedding and their blind “true love” and have no clue that it takes work on BOTH people’s parts – I wish more people would have good pre-marital counseling. I know I wish I did. Thank you for sharing this.

    • alyssa carton says:

      I would say that she is a narciccict too. If she didnt take responsibility for the affair when she was young then she thinks she is a door mat but she is not

      • Nicole says:

        Wow… I didn’t think a 14 year old should be held responsible for a sexual affair with a 27 year old when she was still a minor (emotionally and physically). How would this make her a narcissist and door mat? I think Mark Gungor should give his input before blame is thrown around to the wrong party. And now…if the husband doesn’t want to grow or change for the better, how does a marriage work when it wasn’t started in a healthy way, but also only has one person making it important and a commitment?

        • alyssa carton says:

          I agree wholeheartedly that a minor is not responsible for what an adult man does. When she turned 18 she had a choice. Implying that the relationship is a sexual affair instead of sexual abuse gives me the impression she chose to stay in the relationship. I have no idea if this situation is yours or if it is a friend of yours so I am merely commenting on what information I have. Without the details as to what makes him a narcissist I have no reason to believe that he is one. Mark is always talking about how we need to pay attention during the dating process and if we choose to be with that person despite what we see then we are to blame. How do you know for sure that the husband doesnt want to change? Whose to say it isnt the girl as well.

          • Jan says:

            Nicole – read this website on abuse: http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/

            Alyssa: Oh my word! I can’t imagine where your self righteousness and hate is coming from. Let me ask you a question: After four years of this man’s brainwashing, at what point did this poor girl have a sound mind that made it possible to “see the situation for what is is” and leave? I hope and pray that God never sees fit to cause circumstances in your life so that you develop understanding and compassion for Nicole. I think I recognize Nicole’s story from somewhere else on the web (in the whole world wide web – I remember this!). Here is the reality Alyssa – Nicole was kidnapped and has been held hostage and been made a sex slave since she was 14 years old. When did she get a chance to grow up? When did she get a chance to develop her own personality? While she lived with this emotional terrorist, when was she supposed to develop her own mature, healthy emotional life? I am appalled at your response. Absolutely appalled. And I thank God that Nicole has reached a point in her life where she is standing her ground and defending herself; not like she should have to especially from another Christian. I will pray that you re-read the story of Naomi, Ruth and Boaz. Clearly Nicole had no mother to have this predator thrown in jail where he belonged. Clearly she had no Naomi. Doesn’t God give us that story to show up how important and life changing for others it is when WE work to become a “spiritual mother” of wisdom and love and compassion? Oh my heart breaks for you Alyssa for your bondage is worse than Nicole’s – at least she can see hers. I will pray for both of you.

    • Colleen Christopher says:

      Nicole, I was so touched by your comment. Of course, within the dysfunction you can find your own thinking & actions. You are
      separate from the controller that you’ve known your whole life.
      Keep reading & focus on positive things for Nicole. I will pray
      for you to find strength within the fuction that you’ve been
      webbed into.

    • Pastor Rance says:

      Nicole, I apologize for not replying sooner. I meant no offense if you felt ignored.

      I feel for the lady in your scenario, real or imagined. She was a young girl who was taken advantage of and manipulated at the most delicate time in her sexual development. Any man who would do that to her is not playing on a level field with her from the beginning, and is thinking only of himself. This would certainly explain the strains and difficulties in that marriage, and his obvious abandonment of his God-given role towards his wife.

      It boils down to two things: 1) they are married, and if at all possible, should fight for a HEALTHY marriage, and 2) he needs help, be it professional counseling or something along those lines to address his past, and pastoral counseling to address his future as that woman’s spouse. He has a much-needed education to receive about what a husband’s role is for his wife and how her needs and dreams come first and foremost. As I tell couples – Christ is the King, the wife is the Queen, and the husband is the Knight, defending her honor and her needs with his life every day. To do otherwise if for a husband to abandon his post and shame his wife.

      I pray this is a ‘what-if’ scenario, but if it’s not, I will pray for that young woman and mostly, for her husband, that the Lord would change his heart. Thank you for your honesty and desire to seek God’s best.

      • Nicole says:

        Thank you, Pastor Rance, for your reply. I appreciate your words and all the responses from the others. The woman I am referring to is me. I am embarrassed to admit it but it’s my life story in a nutshell. I have two questions 1)How can you resurrect something that was never there to begin with? Do you just look at it as a pre-arranged marriage would be in that you have to learn to love that person? But why? and 2)How come some people feel that because two people made a commitment and signed a marriage contract that it is binding if there is no “love, honor, and cherish” before the “until death do us part” happens?

        I only go in circles trying to figure out what I did wrong to get myself to where I am. I am not out to hurt my husband but I’ve learned in the past 2 years since I’ve shared my secret to a trusting person, that I just want to be released from the person who I should have detached from when I was a kid. I never let go of him since I was 14 because I was obsessed, wanting to save him, and take care of him because I felt sorry for him and didn’t know any better. I don’t want to live in the past but I live with it everyday in my life and he has not truly owned up to the pain he has caused me. He has thrown it all back at me that I’ll hang this over his head forever. I don’t want to do that and I haven’t. I’m just longing to be truly loved by someone who is not a narcissist and can put others before himself.

        I’m not looking for pity. I could have destroyed him a long time ago but I am not that type of person at all. So I let him have his pre-molded, door mat wife so he can live his happy life. He’s angry with me because I’ve been growing and becoming a stronger, more confident woman. That’s threatening to him because he feels he’s losing control of me. I can pray all I want but I will never want to love him and probably cannot because of bad memories of what’s happened between us. I have spent most of my adult life blaming myself for my emptiness and confusion. I just give up trying to find that happiness where I am now and focus on my kids. That’s all I can do since every Christian out there would tell me to pray that God will change his heart. It’s easy to say when you have a great spouse who treats you like an equal and respects you despite any bumps in the road. My husband doesn’t want to face himself or our past in counseling anymore and he already said he was happy with the way things were. If this is where God wants me, then so be it.

        Thanks again for your input. I appreciate it very much. There’s just too many details to explain it all…

        • Ken says:

          Nicole, I feel for you. I’m not an expert, by any means, but I do have an opinion to share about your story. It sounds to me as if you took the sexual excitement at the beginning of the relationship and the pity you felt for this man’s situation in life and mistook those feelings for true love. When you do something nice for another person, it makes you feel good about yourself. This is not necessarily love.

          Personally, I don’t think that you should martyr your self-respect for your marriage. When statements like those in this blog post talk about holding on and making your marriage work, they are not necessarily referencing situations like the one you describe.

          Understand, Nicole, that what you are describing is not the “normal” way that a relationship is formed between two people, and so you should not try to resolve the issues in the same ways that others do it.

          But remember, there are three sides to every story – his, hers and the truth. Truth is dependent on perception, because perception is reality. If your realities don’t agree with each other, and either one (or both) of you is not willing to acknowledge the other’s reality, then you might have to separate yourself from him.

          But remember, happiness comes from within yourself. You decide what you allow to make you happy and what you do not allow to make you happy. Nobody else can make that decision for you. If something does not make you happy, but you continue with that, then you need to closely examine your reasons for continuing. If putting up with things that make you unhappy is offset by things that make you happy, and the two are linked together, how strong is that balance? Only you can decide what you should do. Others can coerce or manipulate, and they will – whether it is for good intentions or bad.

          But your life is the result of decisions you have made. The consequences of your decisions are not always apparent at the time of the decision, but they will become so sooner or later. Others will make decisions that will also impact your life, and your decisions about how to react (or to not react) to the decisions of others are also your decisions to make, and no one else’s.

          You made some decisions in your youth that have brought about certain consequences. The decisions themselves are not bad or good, necessarily, and the consequences are also not bad or good. Instead, think of the consequences as wanted or unwanted.

          If the consequences are wanted, then good for you! If they are unwanted, then there is another decision to make, about how to bring about wanted consequences instead of unwanted ones.

          You will grow as a person. You will get stronger, if that is what you want for yourself. You will change. Change is inevitable. It is what makes the universe “tick.” And, although I don’t really know about Mark Gungor’s programs, it appears from what little I’ve seen here that change is at the heart of his message.

          I had a certain shirt that I loved to wear as a teenager. I still have the shirt, but my desire to wear it is almost non-existant. This does not invalidate my teen-age feelings, but I do not need to be held hostage to that ideal now that I’m older. We are allowed to change. We are allowed to grow apart on a psychological and spiritual level.

          If your marriage was founded on mutual respect for each other, and your husband has any desire to keep you as a companion, then he will want to change more than he wants to control you. Nobody can change another person. That person has to decide for themselves to change, and they will need help in doing so. That doesn’t mean being nice to him when he’s having a bad day and taking it out on you. That means keeping him focused on what he’s supposed to be trying to do. Keeping him focused on the consequences that are wanted in the big picture – the long term consequences, rather than the immediate ones. If he wants to work at the marriage then you should enlist help from outside your relationship. If you can’t find an impartial 3rd party to help (for whatever reason, even financial ones), then a close friend or family member who can remain objective might work as well. But a lot of people need help in this kind of thing.

          Nicole, you have many decisions to make, and I hope for your success. Remember to be the kind of person that you would be proud of, and let that guide your decisions.

          • Nicole says:

            Ken… I’ve read your comments over and over again and am highly impressed by your insight and knowledge about life in general. You sound like a professional to me! I really appreciate all that you wrote in response to my life and how objective you are in your thoughts. Wow. I’m still taking it all in. Thank you for not judging me or preaching to me. I already live with enough guilt. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write.

        • Pastor Rance says:

          Nicole – apologies again for taking so long to write. I truly hurt for you and where you are in your marriage – it’s certainly NOT what God intended, and it looks like you entered in to a relationship that was based upon deceit and destructive behaviors, which is never good, especially at 14. The foundation was cracked before you built the walls.

          Ken’s comments I believe are good food-for-thought in this situation. I didn’t intend to give the impression that you should ‘pray your husband’ through, but that the Lord would lead him to make a change for the better. To imply otherwise that you should just ‘grin and bear it’, would be unfair to you, because it’s terrible advice to assume that the Lord would want you to be with a man who has no regard for you emotionally or spiritually. That’s called ‘abandonment’ – and that’s just plain wrong.

          I recall St. Paul’s words from 1 Corinthians 7 “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” St. Paul is saying that God allows for separation when ‘spousal abandonment’ occurs, be it emotional, spiritual or physical. It seems you might be experiencing all three.

          If your husband is a narcissist, as you say, and is unwilling to go to counseling, and unwilling to change – it may be time to make the sad, but necessary choice to let him go and live in peace. God willing, this could be the one thing that wakes him up to the reality that this cannot go on and he should change. But if he stays gone, better to be apart from someone like this and live in peace, than lose the best years of your life waiting on something that would never be.

          I applaud your bravery and honesty on your posts – and pray God’s Spirit and guidance would be with you as you make some difficult, but necessary, decisions for your future. God Bless you.

        • Bee MacGuire says:

          Precious, Nicole,
          I am SO SORRY that this happened to YOU at that very young and vulnerable age. You were 14 and could not have had the emotional or
          intellectual maturity to deal with an adult male with a strong and persuasive personality. And when the negative side
          of that personality began manifesting, you were in too deep, and had no defense mechanisms to help you to protect yourself.
          Please remember, when people have a good side and a bad side that,
          if that person is not absolutely committed to some kind of deep healing path,
          the negative side ALWAYS COMES BACK.
          I want for you only what YOU WANT FOR YOU.
          I trust your journey back to your own diginity and your own independance.
          Before you can be truly loved as you so deserve to be, you need to learn, after years of that,
          to love yourself. That is your greatest challenge, but you are so loved by angels, and have many winged
          soul friends hovering around you, cherishing you, worshipping the ground you walk on, on your side,
          wishing you well. You are unique and precious. And you have had great courage to walk this difficult walk.
          I trust your journey. We all do. We all know that: all the decisions you make, here in this, are the
          fastest way home. Xxxxx. B.

        • sarah says:

          nicole, i just came upon your comments and would like to say to you that the devil is the enemy of your soul and he wants to condemn. don’t accept ANY condemnations. don’t even condemn yourself for being confused! Start imagining yourself the way God sees you. You know, not the God that’s wearing a dark robe and judging us, but the God that’s wearing ‘sweat pants’/He’s resting in His love towards you! He has taken care of it all for you, He DOES have a plan that He wants to unfold for you. I know church doesn’t save anyone, but i am a strong believer that a believer will flourish in the misdt of a ‘Body’ of believers. If God is our Father, i believe the Body is our ‘Mother’! I do hope that you have a church you can go to, and more than that, find sisters and brothers and love, and counsel and comfort. my heart is so touched by your situation, i’ve never been in your situation but have had many a close friend go through ‘horror’ stories. they all came through. that’s what i pray for you. in the mean time, Jesus is in the boat, in the misdt of the storm. if you are interested to correspond with me or have someone to pray with, i would love to be that person for you.

          • debra says:

            Nicole,
            Reading all these comments led me to some hope, starting in 1 Samuel 25:2 the story where david and his men are very tired and hungry and had been protecting a very rich man’s shepherds. david had sent a very humble request for food to the man. The man whose name was nabal sent back a very rude insult that enraged david who then had his men draw their swords to go after him and all his house. abigail nabal’s beautiful, very intelligent wife was told about it, and quickly brought a huge feast out to meet david. she stopped him from avenging himself against his enemy and sheding innocent lives also. Any way God avenged david quickly and struck nabal dead and david took abigail for his wife. to me this goes along with delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. i personally know this to be true as all of God word is, so God let nicole fall in love with you the way you want her to and let her delight herself in you the way you her to always, thanks, in Jesus Name. ha! because for me i did not know how i would be able to love God more than anything when i did not even have a clue what love really was, so that’s what i asked Him for because He should know. Ha! so that became a simple childlike trust in Him and i ask for many things the same way. if He loves a cheerfull giver, then make me a cheerfull giver in Jesus name. and so on and away you go. He cherishes you and wants you to have all He has. He will do a quick work. anything you ask in Jesus Name will be given to you. keep it simple and don’t add conditions to anything. i get everything i ask for ha! and so do you, it has nothing to do with us, He said it.

          • Nicole says:

            Sarah (and all the others who have written in this blog)… I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your words and prayers. I have been reading all the responses over and over again all summer long to get some encouragement and how wonderful it is to get it from complete strangers!

            It’s really tough believing in myself but I’m working on it. I’m waiting for God to speak to me clearly so I understand what I am to do. Yes, I would love it if He sent me a postcard but I won’t hold my breath. He has sent special people into my life, He has been watching over me, and taking care of me. I thank God for His love for me.

            I still struggle with the searching I’ve done since I got married. Searching for someone to listen to me, who wants to know me, wants to love me, wants to be my friend… it’s something I’ve done not realizing I’m starving for attention. I’m in no way a high maintenance person but have gotten so used to giving and caring for my husband that no one has been taking care of me. It makes me sad to think this could be my life. That I may never be strong enough to make choices for myself – always afraid of hurting others. All the things I’ve been learning about ME – my likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, etc… and I am in this covenant with the wrong person. Is it so wrong for me to want to be loved and taken care of and give of my love in return?

            How do you deal with a person who treats you like you’re crazy, a nag, a witch with a capital B, selfish, and so on… and you know that is NOT you. I can’t even TRY to talk to my husband about anything that bothers me or upsets me because he accuses me of attacking him. It’s always been like that – as a stepmother there were no rules or guidelines with my stepdaughter; no standing up for himself towards his ex wife – it was always them against me (they’re history for me now); with finances there is no discussing anything bad (debt, etc.) – only good things; no discussing how WE want to handle the children; no being angry or upset… so I have become a happy, bubbly person with a lot of suppressed anger and resentment to cover up my confusion and sadness. There are so many feelings of confusion as to why I’m not being treated as an equal or respected. The last time I tried “discussing” something there was every excuse not to and then I was told not to talk to him at all.

            I wait upon God and try so hard to quit thinking so hard about all of this. But it’s amazing how much comes back to you when you finally talk about it. What makes it harder is that my husband and I work together (he’s my boss) – I tried to relocate to another department but it didn’t work out and my position right now is a flexible one with my children which I cannot afford to lose because of the time with my kids as well as financially. My husband is a good guy with a lot of people and with his work but he has some serious issues with his pride, ego, defensiveness, and ‘blow ups’. He doesn’t know how to love – I see it with our daughters – he’s treating them like he did his older daughter (my step daughter) – buying their love with no real relationship. I try to put my all into my girls and God has blessed me with being the best mommy I can be.

    • Windy Amberg says:

      Dear Nichole,
      Your situation is difficult, but not impossible. God has the solution for you, if you are willing. God’s solutions are simple, but not always easy. In your posts I see two separate areas needing help, your present and your past.
      Deal with the past first or it will continue to mess with your present. Your past and your husband’s past are paid for with the blood of Jesus. God has forgotten your past and only sees His rightness in you because you are in Christ Jesus. Stop beating up yourself and your husband for your past and do like Paul did; remember he helped murder Christians, neither of you were that bad :-) Paul forgot his past and pressed on to what was ahead (Phil 3:13). It will take practice, but you can do it by choosing to focus on Jesus when the Devil tries to bring up your and your husband’s past.
      In your present situation here are some things to think about. Adultery and abandonment are Biblical reasons for divorce. Abandonment does include abuse, just remember that us not liking something does not mean that it is abusive. That being said, you may have real reason to leave, but you don’t have to (1 Corinthians 7). There is another way, it is not easier than divorce, but may have better results. You can follow the example of our Master who left His position as God and emptied Himself to serve us. You can choose to die to yourself and live for Christ by respecting and submitting to your husband as unto the Lord (within legal and moral bounds, of course). Love is not a feeling; it is a commitment to doing what is best (not always what they want) for the person you have decided to love, no matter what it may cost you. Giving up yourself and serving the Lord by serving your husband doesn’t make you a doormat, it makes you like Jesus (John 13). It is a steep path that requires more strength then outsiders will ever know. I know this from personal experience, but through Christ I can do all things. I have found it blessed beyond measure to forget myself and love my husband the way Jesus loves me.
      Nichole, you are very precious to God and He loves you as much as He does Jesus (check John 17). So hold your head high, not because of your husband, but because God has made you His beloved daughter!
      Windy

  6. andreas heidl says:

    high mark it thrills my heart to see you skiny exdrummer from cita and minister the way you do haleluja it realy comfortes my heart.i am maried 17 years and have three children and right now we are in extreem conflicts .o how good it is to know jesus the father and the holy spirit and the body of christ with its diferent gifts and ministries.god bless you dear brother

  7. Cheryl Collins says:

    Thank you for your down-on-earth, made-in-heaven wisdom on marriage. My husband and I will be married 33 years on September 25t, and this journey of marriage and love can be at times more than running down and caughting a greased pig – it can be running down a grease pig on roller skates. Thanks be to God for His loving kindness and help in every situation. And, for the strength to run down that greased pig!

    • Colleen Christopher says:

      JlI As hard as the comments may be to read, I feel everyone is growing
      from each other. Keep up the reading and praying. I’ve really been
      doing what I want to like going swimming and to the play “Oliver”. Of
      course I never miss church and tithing too. We’re off from choir for the summer. It’s neat to step out of ourselves and feel each other’s pain and know that by seeing it, we go on.
      fr

  8. larry says:

    Mark is tremendious , his video is a must see..the tale of 2 brains is dead on…..and hilarious as it is enlightning..elbows fly both directions…his and hers
    Mark is good about shouldering responsibility on a relationship to both genders….
    Todays man is not as simple as women may think….we can find sex much easier than women want to admit. what may amaze many is what they really leave home for is ..they too want to be loved and appreciated …
    Keep it a 2 way street Mark..and God Bless you brother…
    all we really need is to treat each other the way we ourselves like to be….

  9. missy says:

    MY ‘pig’ demands that everything is his way, controls all of the money and every action I take during the day, and yet I can’t ask him what he had for breakfast without being accused of accusing him of cheating. I practically BEG him to make me feel beautiful and loved, but he tells me I don’t deserve it. I tell him that he is obviously the one who doesn’t deserve the gifts I give him because he doesn’t appreciate or reciprocate them. And why would they want to change? They’re getting everything they want! Control over the devoted wife at home, the freedom to do what he wants behind her back! It benefits him to make me feel bad about myself, because then I “won’t realize” I “can do better.” He has no shame, always trying to “take a peek” at the competition, then telling me I’m insecure because I won’t let him show outright disrespect for me. I could check out other men, but I turn it off out of respect for him…let’s see how “insecure” he becomes if I turn it back on!! No sense chasing a pig when you are trapped in the pen with him.

    • sarah says:

      Hi missy, i feel for you. that is just no way to be treated… i wish you could get some professional advice on how to approach him so that the 2 of you could get marital counseling. it’s absolutely VITAL to have a 3rd (and a christian professional if possible)person in a situation like that. just a note on the pig. i don’t think the author meant that the ‘slippery pig’ is the spouse. but that it’s True Love. And that’s nobody personified. even the best of husbands. It’s this ‘thing’ that we either first learn to receive ourselves, then learn to give to others. and the reason it’s no slippery is that we don’t have it in us naturally, it has to be a gift from God. you can be sure i will be praying for you, for though none of us deserve this True Love, yet God gives it to us every day of our lives, and i hope you know today that you are beautiful and you are loved!…

  10. missy says:

    Oh yes, and the lies, lies, lies. He lies about everything from what sports he played in high school to what websites he looks at on the computer. He can’t ever tell the truth, then when he gets caught in a lie, he tells me it’s my fault because I’m “unapproachable” or I don’t “deserve” an honest man. Never gave him a reason to think I was unapproachable. When we first got together, his ex-girlfriend told him she might be pregnant and because he wanted me to know what an “honest” man he was just to make an impression on me, he told me. I said we would work it out. After that, the lies started coming. One after the other. And have never stopped. He keeps hiding e-mail addresses from me, I found him on hotmail this morning, he tried to say he was logging into MY e-mail account, but when I asked him what the password was he got all red in the face and had to think about it. I think if he had “just logged in” to my e-mail, he would remember the password right off the bat. But now he’s in the bedroom left me to take care of the three kids and pregnant because I’m apparently the one who is in the wrong, like always.

  11. Melissa N says:

    My boyfriend (now ex) of 4 years was exactly as stated being that when the newness of the relationship wore off and some little 19 year old decided to lavish him with juvenile silliness and hang on his every word, he decided to throw our relationship to the wind and pursue this teenager (he is 48 years old). I will never understand how someone can express love in words and actions and seem so genuinely sincere, only to turn into a completely different person when the so-called “newness” wears off. No commitment. I loved this man unconditionally and he knows it. I thought he felt the same for me only now he assures me that I will always be his “best friend.” It has been 7 months since our split and he doesn’t even bother to find out if I’m living or dead. So much for “best friends.” My rational mind as well as friends tell me I’m better off….but I can’t get this man out of my head OR my heart and it is slowly…but surely destroying me.

  12. Colleen Christopher says:

    II really liked Ken’s information too. I took notes. It reminded me of a
    time when I was very unhappy. I couldn’t get my husband to stop drinking
    heavily and the crisis continued with two car accidents & Dui’s with 4.0 levels. I never drank a thing, but I suffered with him. It was dangerous
    and I knew it. Now, in my job, as a secretary, I council people with
    similar circumstances (usually referrals to therapits too). and to take
    action that only they know is best. I still tell them to take one night
    at a time and to recognize their behavior too and do whatever makes them feel safe. My life has changed and so can yours.

  13. nohemi torres says:

    i watched yr 1 of yr videos, is true. in my case heading towards divorce. one day he told he didnot love me no more,i had ignored him, so on.after watching yr clip it makes sense now but i am too late but the way i see it not for the next relationship that gods puts in my way. that one i will make it work. yr videos even though funny but they make sense. is like seeing the truth about our relationship but looking at it from outside. FOR SOME OF US IS TOO LATE.

  14. j iovine says:

    Oh how true, no one can sustain that “high” of “new love”. My mom and dad gave me great advice on marriage- (a little coarse unfortunately) are you going to be willing to wipe your spouse’s bottom if they are too ill or infirm or injured to do it themselves?? If you can answer yes and you have “counted the cost” then you can make it in marriage.
    Folks, humor is essential as is RESPECT and CONSIDERATION.
    We all need to keep working at marriage every day.
    If we put the LORD JESUS first in our marriages, and are COMMITTED to OBEDIENCE TO HIM, all will follow.

  15. sheila says:

    with ven thought about leaving him but i guess im hoping things will get
    Betterow .i allmost moved out but he said he didnt want me to that we would work on things but that hasnt happen. im a very loving person we get along great but he dont like to show his feelings its hard to deal I dontut dont kn want to leave buy dont know what 2 do its hard and hurts
    Sheila D

  16. Michelle says:

    I’m 46 and after 16 yrs with the same man, 13 yrs as his wife, I have no delusions of happily everafter. I do however feel like I ended up with something different than I signed up for. Before we married he supposedly was a christian, and even though he had 2 kids from a previous marriage he was willing to have additional children. After we married that all changed. He had his kids and he didn’t want any more. Then he professed to be a non-believer and over the years it has gotten worse. Then when the doctors told me I had a potentially grave condition I had to listen to his proclamation that he believed that the sick and the elderly had a duty to die. Over the years we have had many arguments over the words “F……Y……” At this point the one thing I’m having a hard time forgiving him for is saying those words to me while standing in my grandmothers house with my grandmother standing next to me. All I can think of is if my grandfather were alive, he would have knock my husband out! I’m currently considering divorce. So Pastor Gungor, any words of wisdom for a rational, logical, non-deluded woman?

  17. Susan Wagener says:

    After working with married couples in troubled marriages for over ten years, I have witnessed the miracles that happen when two people commit themselves to each other in spite of their troubles and submit their lives to the Lord. Marriage is not easy, and it takes time to overcome the hurt and pain that has been inflicted on each other. But it can be done through the grace of God if two people are willing to work hard at it and change the destructive behaviors to healthy ones. This is when God can be glorified. His blessings will then flow through us to others.

  18. Michelle says:

    What if the “pig” is the one who isn’t happy but yet he doesn’t want to do anything about it. We’ve went to one councilor and to a marriage retreat and he thinks we have done a TON of things to strengthen our marriage of only 3 years but it’s not strengthening. He’s not happy and doesn’t know why. Doesn’t love me anymore “as a wife should be loved”. It’s easier for him to throw in the towel than to try! I don’t know how to get through to him. He’s a fitness trainer and works out a lot…at least an hour and a half a day then when he comes home, that’s all he talks about for the next 2 hours. Now there is a series of marriage classes I would like to try out at a local church but he is “frustrated with trying and nothing ever working.” He’s “losing, time and energy on something that we don’t know will work or not!” How does a person respond to that!?

    • Kerlene says:

      I know my husband appreciates it when I show interest in what he likes; maybe that will get him to open up and give your idea a shot. One thing though–don’t force him to change. Never works.

      Who knows; maybe you have some issues to deal with as well, with all due respect. If he doesn’t seem to care about saving the marriage, maybe moving out as Mark often suggests will nudge him in the right direction. You have a point though: one hand can’t clap.

  19. Ruth Kinney says:

    WOW! Thank God and you for allowing His gift to pour out to many couples. I’m a pastor in the state of Georgia. fourteen years ago God lead me and blessed me to birth out a ministry for woman, by identifying woman in the Bible whose stories we have read about and heard preached about but allowed God to give us revelation of.
    Being able to read and smile at your stories was a great experience. I look forward to reading more about our journeys and end up laughing at them. Again, thank you and my God continue to bless you and your loved ones.

  20. Nikki says:

    This is fantastic!!!It is hard, but when both people understand it and try it together, then it is easier to overcome the obstacles.It is harder when one reads all the material,tries to understands how to work it out and tries hard to catch the pig,but the other thinks if it runs away, then it must be not from God.

  21. Carrie says:

    This is such a hilarious–and true–analogy! My husband and I have been married for 15 years. Our love definitely doesn’t feel the same now as it did when we were first married… it feels better. It feels much more real and dependable. I appreciate him so much more now than when we first were dating. Living life, with all its ups and downs, with a best friend is so much more satisfying! So happy to be happily married. :)

    Thank you for your post.

  22. Joanne says:

    When we got married 23 years ago, my Mom said to “Make sure he knows divorce is not an option in this family”. It was good advice to me too. Of course that is silly to say, but the attitude has gotten me through many times when that darn pig slipped away. 23 years, 4 kids, and working together at our business every day would not be possible without the committment that stated, “We are together forever, good or bad, let’s make this work and choose to be happy.”

  23. Kerlene says:

    You said it, Mark. There’s financial trouble in paradise right now, but I’m NOT gonna stop lovin’ my hubby. Didn’t marry him cuz he had money; not gonna abandon our relationship because of it either. Thanks for the encouragement! I’ll keep chasing my “greased pig” :D

  24. Samantha says:

    I do believe everything mentioned in this post. This is all very true and everyone needs to realize and accept it. However, it is equally important that the person you’re in love with is chasing the same pig.

  25. Tess says:

    I love your website & only wish I’d had access to it in 2006… husband chose meth & a friend’s wife who’d do it with him… I let him go (actually showed more love in leaving than staying) but I still feel guilty for giving up on what God promised… I know it’s just the enemy putting those thoughts in my head, but I believe marriage is something to work for… not to just quit! He quit.

    Thank you for your encouragement to others!!

  26. Anita says:

    I love the way you put things! Also, I need to order your Flag Page workbooks for a seminar at my church — please send me the link so I can do that.

    Never stop teaching and sharing – you are gifted and I pray you conquer and eradicate Divorce for the next generations.

    God Bless you and your wife and your work. Thank you. Anita

  27. Goya says:

    Insightful and resonating. Yet I can’t think of a reason why one should not be true to one’s ‘feelings’. Feelings arise from within and moreover, a good measure of them is the ‘why’ behind those feelings. Your idea of ‘checking on and checking in’ with one’s spose regularly really resonates with me. I don’t have a spouse yet though that is a great idea. Ok, so you didn’t say it like that but its there!! Deep abiding love requires patience, perseverance, dying to self,& forgiving. It also requires clear ongoing communication, cultivating interests (fun), and renewal of self. Lastly, Love is a choice. Choose wisely.

  28. Michael says:

    I’ve loved reading this, it’s taught me a great deal! personally been dealing with a situation where i suspect the girl i intended to declare my love for may actually be all about money!

    Paid her phone bills, met some of her college needs, and yet the only time she called me in a month’s period was to ask for money. Not to thank me or find out how i was doing but to give her some money. now i feel i can’t take it and am ready to move on!

    Should i tel her how i feel? I mean my love for her, and my fear that all she wants is money!

    she’s 21 and am 26 business man. We both are born again Christians.

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