Ministry Can Be Sensual

I know it sounds weird, but ministry can be a very sensual experience. Whether you are a pastor, elder, choir member or any other church volunteer, you can find yourself working very closely with the opposite sex. And much of the time you can be dealing with people who are emotionally hurting and desirous for caring human contact. There is frequently touching, hugging, smiling, and open hearts sharing. These people will often look up to you, admire you, respect you and think you are generally quite wonderful. Add to that the fact that people generally come to church always looking their very best and on their very best behavior, and you create an environment ripe for sexual temptation. It’s like a keg of gunpowder just waiting for a spark. Sadly, most Christian workers walk into this powder keg with little to no awareness of the danger that is lurking. This is why so many Christian leaders – including pastors – are falling into sexual sin.

We have to smarter than we have been. While we don’t need to walk about in a continual state of fear and paranoia, we do need to constantly remind ourselves of the danger that exists.

I am a pilot. As pilots, we are constantly rehearsing in our minds, “What could possibly go wrong? What if I lost an engine, where would I land? What would I do if my instruments stopped working? What if I lost all communication? What if there was a fire on board?” Many of us even go for annual or biannual training in simulators where they intentionally cause systems to fail, testing our readiness for an actual emergency. We learn to be on our guard.

Christian workers, too, need to be on their guards against sexual temptation and sin. Here are some practical suggestions:

  1. First, we have to acknowledge the potential danger. Do your leadership training sessions address sexual temptations? If not, your leadership training is like flight training that never talks about emergency landings.
  2. Avoid intimate ministry with members of the opposite sex. If that person does not have the same plumbing you do, you have no business listening to their needs, holding their hands and praying with them or opening and sharing your heart with them.
  3. Encourage female mentoring in your church. I mention female mentoring specifically since it is usually women who come into the church with emotional needs. In my opinion, male pastors and workers need to stop counseling women! Meet with them once or twice if you must, but you should be referring them to another woman in the church ASAP! But be ready for resistance among the women in your church. You may very well discover the frustrating fact that many hurting women don’t want to be mentored by another woman and many strong women don’t want to mentor a needy, weak one. However, we must insist on it.
  4. Christian workers should share their sexual temptations with someone (of the same sex) that they can trust – especially men. The one thing sexual sin needs to hold you in its grasp is secrecy. The moment you break the secrecy, the stranglehold begins to lift. If, as a man, you have not shared any of your sexual temptations with another brother in Christ, you are just asking for trouble. And I know this is going to sound really strange, perhaps even a bit cruel, but beware the trap of the unattractive woman! I never cease to be amazed at how many pastors commit adultery with, well… not-so-beautiful women. But I believe I have come to understand why. First, these women tend to be very needy for the affections of any man and second, it is really difficult to admit that one feels tempted by an unattractive woman. If it is a gorgeous woman, that’s easy to confess. Chances are the other men around her are feeling the same temptations. But an unattractive woman – who wants to admit to that? There is almost an embarrassment to that confession. But refuse to talk out your temptations and Satan smiles as you begin to fall.
  5. Finally – and I direct this specifically to the wives of pastors – be sure you are meeting the sexual needs of your husband! You want to help your husband in his ministry? Have sex with him. You want to be a true encourager in the Kingdom of God? Have sex with him. You want to do the only thing you can do to make sure your husband stays in a place of safety? Have sex with him! And often!! Remember, he lives in a world where emotional intimacy is strong, women always look their best, and many of them are desperate for the attention of a caring man. Keep reminding your husband that he doesn’t need to go to anyone but you to meet his sexual needs.

We have to be smarter than we have been. Every year we keep losing thousands of the most effective and powerful men the Kingdom of God has to offer. The lasting effect for most of them is that they will never, ever minister again. Let’s be on our guard. Let’s be honest and open with each other. And let’s quit being so unbelievably naive.

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36 Responses to “Ministry Can Be Sensual”

  1. Joan says:

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Finally this subject is being addressed in an open and honest way. We have been waving this banner in churches for nearly 5 years, talking to senior pastors, music ministers, youth pastors,small group leaders, etc. If we got a lukewarm response,it was cause for celebration! Unfortunately, the little flicker in the eye told the tale with some of them. It is far too tantilizing to let go of the destructive behavior. “Anyway, it won’t happen to me! I’m very careful.” The sharing of intimate subjects,along with the chemicals flooding the brain, makes it all too easy to fall into the trap. Again, thank you for addressing this isssue. Joan

  2. alyssa says:

    Wow, what a great blog!! Thank you for sharing this pastor Mark. I never thought about refering to ministry as a sensual experience but that is exactly what happens.
    From a womans perspective and my own personal experience it is my opinion that women go to men instead of women because men have the ability to reframe a womans problem in boxes and take the emotion of the problem. If a woman is having emotional problems she does not want to go to an emotional being to fix the problem. The times that I used to go to men for situations I was struggling with, the guy would be able to articulate my problem without the emotion of it and put it in his boxes which helped me to see it differently and take care of it. Sometimes going to women just added to the emotion in the my head. HOWEVER, this does not give women an excuse to put men in a situation where they are tempted. I think what I have experienced is that once a man sorts your problem and put it in boxes the women wants him to do it again and again. I agree highly that women should mentor other women and getting a mans opinion occasionally is fine.

    Ladies am I right????

    • STEPcoach says:

      Alyssa: I think you’re right that women appreciate having a man compartmentalize their emotional dilemmas for them. As a Christian family mediator, I am often approached by wives or ex-wives wanting me to help them get a message across to their mate or ex so they can begin solving the problems. I rarely meet with these women without their spouse or ex (that’s the whole purpose of mediation, to get THEM communicating), but in initial sessions we do sometimes meet alone. On those occasions I always alert two of the secretaries at the church to help me by “patrolling” past the half-window door to my meeting room several times where the client can see them. This gives me two safeties: the secretaries can bear witness that nothing untoward happened; and the client feels safer knowing other women are nearby.
      It’s a dangerous (and litigious) world out there, so we have to be careful to protect ourselves and our reputations – but we also have a responsibility to serve hurting families. Balance and being “wise as a serpent but harmless as doves” are key to doing it right.

  3. Sandra says:

    Alyssa…you are so right! I agree. Sometimes it is very hard to speak to another woman because you don’t want the drama of “man hating” ideals to come out. You just want to be told the truth. I think is more women are to mentor more women, then we need to remember not to create more drama but offer Godly guidance to fix the problem. Thanks for the blog Pastor Mark!

  4. Leann says:

    I feel awful to admit it, but I have become very attracted to my pastor and find myself thinking about him way more than I should. My husband and I have been going through a really rough time (my husband committed adultery) and we sought the aid of our pastor and his wife. From that, we have developed a fairly intimate relationship with them. My senses maybe off, but I feel that he is attracted to me as well. I love and respect our pastor and his wife dearly and I don’t want to do anything to disrupt their marriage or worst, sin against God and my husband. I have and will continue to pray asking the Lord to take away these sinful feeling and thoughts, which are growing stronger. I would like some advise on what more to do. I don’t want to leave the church all together (which would be hard to explain), but I also don’t want to fall prey to the sin of adultery. Please help!

    • alyssa says:

      You are clearly in a tough situation. My heart goes out to you. The only thing I can say is spend more time with this pastors wife than the pastor himself. I dont know if you have spent more time with him than her but I would encourage you to spend time with her. You may want to confess to her that you are having feelings for a man other than your husband. Start there and God will help you with the rest. I have been in situations where God did not take the feelings away it was up to me to take control. I would also ask your husband what he thinks of their marriage. Tell him that you get this gut feeling that the pastor may be struggling with his purity. Maybe encourage him to find out. Maybe the pastor will confess his feelings maybe not but. It seems like a sticky situation and if your feelings are off you have avoided making a mess. Hope this helps. My thoughts are with you. Do your flag page as well with you and your husband as well if you havent already. Learning what motivates the ones around you may help you figure out where those feelings are coming from. It certainly did for me.
      God Bless,

      • Laura says:

        Just something to consider: sometimes when we are attracted to somebody, we are so sensitive to our feelings that we imagine an attraction from them that isn’t there. We interpret certain looks, gestures, etc. as “attraction” when it’s just friendship.

        That being said, it’s still better to err on the side of caution and seek out another pastor for counseling (at another church) in situations like this. I know people who have done this. You don’t have to change churches… just change your pastoral counseling. This is especially important when the topic of counseling is sexual in nature (his affair) and the counseling is naturally intimate in nature.

        As a person puts more space between themselves and the person to whom there is a forbidden attraction, it will begin to subside, a little bit at a time. Along with this separation from the pastor, PRAY every day… specifically for God to remove this attraction.

    • Bruce says:

      This is serious. Judy Starr went through the emotional attraction to another man while married and eventually wrote, “The Enticement of the Forbidden”. Highly recommend it.

      • Leann says:

        Alyssa, Elizabeth & Bruce,

        Thank you so much for the advice, which I have heeded — The scriptures were particularly helpful. Praise be to God, I’m no longer preoccupied with the situation. I have put an end to the close contact with my Pastor and returned my focus to God and my husband. I don’t think I would have acted on anything, but I still sinned with my thoughts and/or just wanting him to like me. I confessed, repented and asked the Lord for forgiveness.

        Thank you again for the helpful advice. I had no one to talk to about this embarassing (shameful) situation. Who would have thought I would get help online and on this website. The Lord works in mysterious ways and is an ever present help!

        • alyssa says:

          I am so so glad that you are doing better I have been thinking about you all week long. Its awesome that we can have that kind of concern for each other without even knowing each other. God is awesome and his kingdom is awesome.

    • JAMES says:

      I can understand what you are going though and I’m sorry to say but maybe your best way out of this it’s Joseph’s way. RUN. The best way to avoid temptation is not being there. If not you are risking your marriage, His marriage and his ministry. Pray the Lord to guide you, He is faithful and Hewill not forsake you whereever you go.

    • rhonda says:

      Confess the attraction 2 your husband & the preachers wife. I like what Jesse Duplantis says-embarrass sin or it will embarrass u

  5. Elizabeth says:

    Dear readers,

    Although all remarks about this issue are spot on, I miss something very important: the base for all this advise –> the bible.
    For instance: Matthew 5:29,30; Proverbs 4:23; Genesis 39:7-12; Galatians 6:7, 8; 1 John 5:3

    If you don’t read these texts over and over and more important think about what they mean really hard it will be very difficult to stay clean.

    So please include the author of the Bible into your thoughts and in your daily life.

    Elizabeth, the Netherlands

    • Michelle says:

      Thank you for these scriptures. I am looking them up tonight. I have been flirting with a man who professes to love the Lord yet has made it clear he would like to have an affair. I finally just asked him why he thinks this behavior is alright and if he would be leaving his wife. I know that all this is wrong but I was in deep and now I’m out and this just sealed the deal with your message to Leanne. I don’t know you but please pray for me and my husband that we will just learn how to love each other God’s way and not this stupid warped worlds way. My children are just now recovering from an affair in our marriage eight years ago. I do not ever want to disappoint God or my family again. EVER. THANKS FOR YOUR LOVE FOR GOD’S PEOPLE.

        • Michelle says:


          thank you for your prayers. I have been extremely attacked since I have ended this relationship and I know that my battle is not against flesh and blood but sometimes it feels as though it is and I don’t fight right.

          • Leann says:

            Hi Michelle,

            You’re absolutely right, the battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the enemy who is diabolical and absolutely hates when we choose to do right as both you and I have. The enemy’s objective is to steal, kill and destory and knows that a divided house can not stand. We must be sober, viligant and steadfast in our faith to resist the enemy. The mind is a battlefield, but you know there is help, just look up. Stand strong in protection of your mind and family and know that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. I’m encouraging myself as I encourage you because the enemy’s attacks on me and family have been ongoing the last few years, but praise the Lord I’m (we’re) still here (together). This latest episode I think God ordered for me. I have crucified my husband for cheating on me saying I would never ever do that, but here I was thinking of another man (which was a surprise even to me as it came out of no where and I haven’t entertained men hitting on me since I’ve been married). Now that I see that I’m not immune to temptation, my eyes have been opened and this has aided me in forgiving my husband. All praises to God alone!

            Through the attacks on my marriage and on my children, my relationship with the Lord has been the only thing that has kept me sane (Romans 8:28 is my anchor). It’s an ongoing struggle, but I refuse to allow the enemy to defeat me as the Lord has given me the power and authority to thread upon the serpents and scorpins Luke 10:19. So stand tall with your shield of faith and continue to excercise the fruits of the Spirit. Don’t condemn yourself, but walk in the spirit. I will be praying for you and ask that you do the same for me.

          • Leann says:

            I must correct/clarify a statement in my previous commment. God does not tempt people to sin, the enemy does. Therefore, the Lord didn’t order me to experience the temptation of being emotionally attracted to a man other than my husband, rather He allowed me to experience these feelings/thoughts for my ultimate benefit — the revelation of my own vulnerability to get caught up and that I have no room casting stones at my husband because I too have sinned. I’m eternally glad the Holy Spirit kept me from progressing in my sin…God’s grace and mercy.

  6. Bruce Postma says:

    Thanks Mark. I am a military chaplain and I am eternally grateful for a spouse who has loved me and has made love-making a top priority for twenty-five years. She is awesome!

  7. alyssa carton says:

    I love this blog. Thank you so much pastor for writing this. I think the one thing that hasn’t been mentioned is how this relates to people with disabilities. I for example was born in disabled and needed a wheelchair to get around. People are so prone to be extra helpful around people with disabilities. From my experience men especially want to be helpful but they dont acknowledge the sensual part of the situation. I can remember being a teenager in junior high and highschool with guys around all the time to help me open doors, they pushed my wheelchair to class for me. I got all kinds of attention. I am a peace country person and I was grateful for men who were willing to do things for me. I would develop feelings for them but they were just being helpful.
    Guys please please be careful, make your intentions known to the women you are around. It is so easy to over read men and their intentions because we are looking for men who want to be gentlemen. I have a lot of stories I could share about the pain that this has caused me. Please take this part ministering to people with disablities seriously.

  8. Alan says:

    Thank you Pastor Mark. Just recently watched your Laugh your way video seminar – wow – the best i’ve ever heard. Thank you for giving us tools for our relationships. The one thing I would add to this article is to be careful of assigning a woman who may have unresolved issues from her past (particularly lesbianism). Unfortunately it is so relevant in our society right now. Other than that – great advice -thanks!

  9. erynfaye says:

    When I was a teenager, I asked my mother (a pastor’s wife) why she always had to go to conferences with my Dad. Her response was quite blunt, “To have sex with your father.” She then went on to explain that the sexual and spiritual were very closely linked and the two of them were very careful to make sure that his sexual needs were being taken care of especially when he was speaking. Her comments made a deep impact on me and have influenced my decisions as a wife.

  10. Lisa says:

    Some good advice for ones who are struggling with temptation. However, I disagree somewhat.

    My past unfortunately includes an affair on my part several years ago, with my new boss and freshly widowed pastor while I was his secretary at the church. I have suffered (and still suffer) terribly from this ordeal, which eventually led to my family leaving the church I was raised in and had served so well and loved so much (and where some of my family STILL attend).

    I am convinced that my experience is not uncommon or unique! However, had I chosen to be honest about my developing feelings with him either with someone inside the church (elder perhaps) or my ever-emotionally estranged husband (albeit still “together” if only in the physical location sense), prior to deepening my involvement with this individual, I could have spared a lot of people a lot of pain, especially myself.

    What I envisioned to be the worst thing in the world (confessing these feelings, leaving the church) would have been WAY better than what happened, which was a 1 1/2 year affair in secrecy; out-of-the-blue the pastor leaving his position (and the church) COMPLETELY unexplained to me; guilt & shame like you wouldn’t BELIEVE over what I perceived to be MY FAULT EXCLUSIVELY that this very gifted and effective pastor, teacher, and leader had resigned.

    I internally and emotionally took (and carried for a long time) 100% of the blame for the complete loss of their beloved pastor, who had pretty much turned around and grown this struggling church, which was by then thriving. Unbeknownst to me, his resignation had to do with another affair from his past (while his wife was still living) which had surfaced. I knew nothing of this at the time.

    Trapped into a position with NO explanation (or contact with me incidentally FROM that pastor), NO WAY OUT. At that point the church, more than ever, needed my organizational and administrative skills to pull them through, and the youth pastor (moving into replacement), who was not very administratively inclined :>), truly needed me to help deal with the aftermath of this blow and carry on the ministries of the church in the midst of the shock.

    My marriage relationship was so non-existent at that time, that confessing was out of the question, if for no more reason than for my childrens’ sakes and the effect that would inevitably have on their lives. Had I confessed, someone would be hurt, lives destroyed even (my kids, husband, the pastor, etc). The affair was over and I kept it like a “thorn in my side,” viewing that as the most unselfish thing to do. I kept that hurt and carried it for a long time. Never was there a person in more torment, more trapped.

    After a period of a few months, the pastor returned as a parishioner and resumed attendance, eventually marrying our close friend (newly divorced) who had worked very closely in the ministry with us through it all, furthering my torment (she had origins at the same church as him). I had become removed from her and was deeply grieving this friendship loss as well, as she also was coincidentally scarce in the church, and her volunteering, during his departure and the aftermath. Rumors abounded, which I stoically refused to believe at the time. I just kept picking up the pieces of the church, even as the pieces of my heart continued to fall, long after I didn’t think there were any fragments left!

    During the months after his departure and up to and including “their” return to the church, I endured CONSTANT conversations, exposure, etc. within the realms of my job from church members and visitors to the office about reasons for his resignation, rumors about their relationship, his possible return to the ministry and steps necessary for him, proper/improper way he dealt with it all, etc., etc., etc. All while trying to hide my knowledge of our deception and betrayal.

    (To complicate things even further, my sister had become the secretary at the nearby church where these two individuals had originally come from, and where the original and alleged affair with someone else had actually transpired. I also endured hearing innocently and totally unknowingly from her at the time, about specific indicents, including the feelings of that woman’s family members, and all the rumors at that church as well!)

    God performs miracles. It is no small miracle at all that I am even here today after all of that. I know he kept me alive during some pretty isolated and suicidal times, maybe just for people and situations like this! (depression, 98 pounds, enough said!)

    God worked immensely through the Youth Pastor and his wife and they ministered INCREDIBLY to me after God revealed this situation to them. Eventually I confessed to my husband (who unbelievably forgave me, no questions asked!), then to family members, to the church elders, and to the Conference Minister. That youth pastor, a year or so later, was asked to resign, which (although unfairly executed) provided the opportunity for me to leave it all behind. At that point, 1 1/4 years later, my family left that church forever.

    I see that pastor’s resignation as the gift of God that it was, the answer to my many fervent prayers to remove me from my conflicted soul while in the affair, and the forced resignation of the second pastor as the freedom I so desired and prayed for at that time.

    I liken my experience to my first car accident – I was a young driver and slid on the snowy road going around a corner, crossing the opposite lane of traffic, hitting a parked truck head-on, on the other side of the road, just as two men got into it. I remember thinking as I was skidding, “pump the brakes, pump the brakes, pump the brakes!” (This was before anti-lock braking). But I did NOT do it.
    – DO YOU KNOW WHY I DIDN’T PUMP MY BRAKES? Because I remembered thinking that anything coming in the opposite direction would head-on collide with me. There was nothing coming in the opposite direction!!!! I totally could have avoided the entire accident!

    Everything in dangerous situations happens so fast, it seems.
    When you later reflect on your thoughts and feelings, sometimes it reveals the foolishness of them. Confession of feelings is better than confession of actions taken on them! There are no consequences like your betrayal of others, except the betrayal of your very self!

    Causing to Sin
    42″And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck. 43If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.[c] 45And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell.[d] 47And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, 48where
    ” ‘their worm does not die,
    and the fire is not quenched.’[e] 49Everyone will be salted with fire.
    50″Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other.”

    It is not possible for me to be at peace with that pastor and see him the same way, knowing the way he chose to deal with things (hiding, cowardice). I have forgiven him for the betrayal, the affair, the exclusion, etc. The one thing I continue to struggle with forgiving is the hiding of the sin, and continuing to act as if nothing happened, instead of coming forward and confessing, confronting, and allowing God’s cleansing to take place in the situation.

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get out of that church! Read the above scripture again. It will be very difficult for you to see that pastor differently on your own. It would be better to find a way to leave the church. If you don’t, you are playing with fire. It is difficult enough in today’s world, in a STRONG marriage (which I STILL do not consider myself to have), to resist having feelings for someone else – even more so if you are in a struggling one and have experienced betryal, as you say you have. I believe (and have experienced) that only God can change our feelings for our spouses. And for others. But it will not be without cost.

    Please don’t be offended by any of this. I have suffered greatly through my experience and wanted to share for the possible benefit of someone else. Believe me when I tell you, I was the LAST person to have thought of having an affair. It came out the blue, completely unexpected. I am the one who knew that if anything ever happened to my husband, God forbid, that I would NEVER get involved with another man EVER again, the hurt was (and is still) so great in my marital relationship.

    I have learned since how really vulnerable we ALL are, and how to more effectively get things out in the open (especially my feelings), regardless of how they will be perceived or reacted to. You see, the alternative is so unacceptable, so despicable, that there is no excuse or reason to not be forthright and open and brutally honest in all that we do, especially our marriages. The church is the one place on earth we should be able to live that way.

    Please ponder all this, and pray about it, and most of all be blessed by it!

    • Leann says:

      Hello Lisa,

      All I can say is wow! Thank you for your honesty and for sharing. Sadly, I can see myself in the exact same situation as you describe. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life (my family, his family, his ministry) yet here I am struggling with the situation. I’m finding it very difficult to keep control of my thought life…staying clean. Nothing physical has happened, but I see we’re playing with fire. Because of this, I recently opened up to my husband about the fact that I’ve had some inappropriate conversations with the pastor (nothing outrageuous, but inappropriate nonetheless). He is very upset with me, watches me like a hawk and has basically crucified me. This makes me very angry as I have not done anything in the realm of his multiple betrayls. Though extremely childish and selfish, a part of me feels like I’m glad he sees how it feels to be mistreated. Even sadder, I’m now concerned that he will feel that my indiscretion now gives him the green light to go back to his old ways. It’s all really messed up and I’m upset with myself for getting myself in this ridiculous situation. I would have never thought this in my wildest dreams…that’s why I know it’s the enemy. I have to just get back up and get back inline, praying and trusting that God will me through this. Please pray with me for strength and courage to move where ever God wants me to be.

      • Km says:

        Leann, Last fall my husband and I went through a marriage class throught the 2=1 ministeries. It was fabulous. THe best thing it did was
        put us on the same page in a lot of areas and gave us several tools for a successful marriage. One of the biggest things was understanding covenant. Covenant marriage means that we are all in and it is based on what “I said” not “HIS/Her actions”. IF we marry under contract then we give ourselves an out. check out it will change your lives. It so goes along with pastor Marks teachings.

  11. D. A. says:

    Thank you Mark.
    I am grateful that you are willing to speak about the most insidious of temptations in ministry.
    How naieve aand arrogant we are to think that this cannot happen. The destrtuction of a church family and body is extensive when this reality is ignored and it takes years to recover from the damage.
    Leadership must lead by walking in maturity and humilty, admitting how very easily this could happen to anyone, male or female. Churches and entire communities are broken because of its great destruction.
    Blessing upon you, your family and your team for stepping up to the plate to address openly a very powerful tool of the enemy.
    God bless you richly!

  12. M says:

    Thank you for the post–it was very insightful. However, I’m having a huge issue with the last paragraph–it doesn’t address the needs of women in leadership and in ministry. As women pastors, as women leaders, there is a huge support needed from husbands. We are more nurturing in nature and can become drained and left wanting if there is not support in the home. I wish that this would be addressed more, rather than just implying that our sole need is to provide sex for our husbands. For a female pastor with a husband not in ministry, or even in ministry, there are precautions that can be taken mutually that leave the woman feeling supported, safe and secure.

  13. Connie says:

    I’m sorry, but for so many years I have read, “Have more sex with your husband…”, and it is all ok on the surface, but there is so much more to it. For example, do people realize that the pill kills a woman’s libido? Menopause can, as well. And other illnesses and hormone imbalances. Also, In Proverbs it says that a man who sleeps around destroys his own soul. I believe that includes men who do porn, masturbate, whatever is not natural to creation. A destroyed soul (mind, will, emotions) cannot be reasoned with, and cannot be ‘helped’. I was married to my first husband for 25 years, for most of it not really realizing that he had a sexual addiction (masturbating every day, lying on the floor looking up our daughters’ skirts, thinking of it all the time to the point of being annoyed if anyone wanted to talk to him or needed anything from him). I ‘gave’ him sex almost every day of those years, partly because I was ‘supposed to’, but I also enjoyed it, and wanted to serve him and my Lord. Even through having and caring for 7 children, numerous foster children, and three adopted, home-educating them all, and being very ill for quite a few of those years. However, he became increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive. It was never enough, though he never innitiated sex, it was always me. After 22 years, I cried out to the Lord (again), and He led me to 1Peter 3 & 4, and told me what to do. I went to my husband and said, “The Lord told me that you can have all the sex you want. According to scripture, there are two kinds of marriage relationships. The master-slave kind, and the Christ-church kind. You are to choose which one you want. If the first, then you tell me what you want and when, and I’ll lie down and let you at me, if the second, you need to win me back, as we love Him because He first loved us. My affection for you is all gone due to your unkindness to me, I’m sorry.” He was too proud to do either, so we were in the same house three more years and never had sex again, until he took me to the Psych ward of the hospital and I was there 10 days. The doc only let me out when he had talked with my husband and then waited till I had made arrangements not to live with him again.
    I remarried many years later, then after a couple years menopause hit, libido GONE almost overnight. I immediately found a good doc who is learned in bio-edentical hormones, got the blood tests, skin cream prescriptions, and things got MUCH better again in the area of libido, not to mention hot flashes, bladder control, memory problems, etc.
    However, this second husband has also had a porn problem despite having sex even more often than HE wants. (hey, I like it, does there seem to be something wrong with that? :) )However, he seems to be willing to deal with issues and change, which makes all the difference. I’m just saying, lots of sex isn’t the answer. A true relationship with the Lord is, and then that will likely follow anyway.

  14. HL says:

    Hi Pastor MG,

    I think your message is necessary.

    My question is: What is the best way to deal with a situation where there is already such an offence?

    Thank you.

  15. rhonda says:

    I fully agree that the same sex should counsel the same sex. These “strong” women that don’t want 2 mentor “weaker” women-shame on you. You’ll be the 1st 2 scream if some1 becomes attracted 2 your husband. & 2 the 1 woman who thinks it’s a good idea 4 women 2 get men’s compartmentalized input-then request 2 have his wife or your husband present

  16. rhonda says:

    I’d also like 2 add that unattractive women r the biggest flirters out there & they throw themselves at men. U very rarely c that from pretty women

  17. Holly says:

    You are right on, as usual, Mark! I am so thankful you bring this up BOLDLY and speak plainly about the solutions/preventions.

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