The Damage of Sexual Promiscuity

Giving People the Full Story
Not everyone who has sex gets pregnant. Not everyone who has unprotected sex gets AIDS or other STDs. Yet enough do that we take great lengths to warn people of the potential dangers. Sadly, little has been said of the danger of how pre-marital sex can negatively affect people for the rest of their lives.

The Potential Damage
Some years ago, while doing some video taping of cranes in the wild from a helicopter, I learned of how these birds “imprint” when they are first born. In other words, whatever creature they first interact with after birth, they assume it is their mother, even if it is a human. I immediately thought of what first-time sex does to a man. This overwhelming new experience IMPRINTS on him and he connects the context with the experience. Those who have their first sexual experience outside of marriage imprint on the lust of illicit sex – those who have their first sexual experience in the context of marriage imprint on the girl.

Consider scenario A:

Boy gets girl to let him fondle her in the back seat of a car. Soon he is undressing her. His heart is pounding as it becomes clear that she will allow him to have sex with her. The windows are steamed, he is now in a major hurry (lest she changes her mind or someone catches them). He experiences an adrenalin rush not unlike a thief experiences when he first steals or a thrill seeker gets when jumping from an airplane. He then enters her body and experiences his first sexual experience with a woman.

This incredible experience leaves a major “imprint” on him. Now (possibly for the rest of his life) he is likely to view sex in the context of “lust” and “naughtiness”. This is the man who will constantly be pushing his wife to try some outrageous new behavior, take sexual risks or constantly role-play – all in an attempt of re-living that experience that has had such a profound impact on his psyche. This is the guy who wants to “do it” in the elevator or in the backyard or in some semi-public place. This is the guy who needs his wife to pretend she is a cheerleader or a naughty nurse before he can get excited as he tries to re-create his sexual imprinting. He is not really interested in the girl; he is interested in the sex.

Now consider scenario B:

A man falls in love with a woman and asks her to marry him. His friends approve, his family approves, his co-workers approve. They all join in a concerted effort to make the event a success – planning, showers, and parties. They all come together in one gigantic effort to celebrate their approval of what he has chosen. They now gather in the presence of God, under the approval of his minister. They commit themselves before God and are then off for what will arguably be the biggest party of his life.

Then, with the joyous approval of every person important in his life, he takes his bride to their honeymoon suite and for the first time in his life – without the rush or fear of a back-seat encounter – he experiences the most wonderful sensation of his life as he enters his bride’s body and reaches his sexual peak.

He now ties EVERYTHING I just mentioned to that one girl – all the approval of his family, friends and coworkers, the church, the celebration, and most importantly, the incredible sensation he has just felt. All these elements join together and he IMPRINTS on the girl, for it is because of her and only her that he has just experienced the most wonderful day of his life.

Many would argue that this wedding day scenario would have the same effect with a guy who had already been having sex, but they would be wrong. NOTHING impacts a man like his first sexual experience.

If a man has his first sex outside of marriage, what he imprints on is the SEX – indeed, it becomes as if any woman willing to have sex with him would suffice. Many of these men later turn to illicit affairs or porn, fantasies and masturbation in a pathetic attempt to re-visit the experience to which they have forever imprinted upon. Women who marry such men can sense this and try desperately to get their man to focus solely on them. Sadly, it is a battle that most will lose. On the other hand, when a man has his first sexual experience in the context of marriage, he imprints on the GIRL, for she is the sole reason for his incredible experiences. Indeed, these men tend to marry once for life.

When I was growing up, boys were told to marry a virgin because the other girls were “damaged goods”. It very well may turn out, however, that it is the girls who should be careful to marry a virgin because it is sexually experienced men who can become the most “damaged”.

What about the girl…

The answer, of course, is that a woman also receives a great deal of damage from being sexually promiscuous, and her damage is both psychological and physiological. First the psychological damage:

When a woman experiences sex without commitment, she soon learns (falsely) that sex means little to nothing. Why? Because nothing happens as a result: no meaningful relationship ensues – he may never even call her or talk to her again. She has inaccurately learned that sex and commitment are two completely separate issues, which they are not. That is why so many married woman view sex as an unimportant side issue in marriage, when it is, in fact, a key and central issue to a successful marriage. God’s original plan was to use sex as the path to commitment. But because of promiscuity, she no longer views sex as a path to her husband’s commitment. On the contrary, she begins to demand that commitment BEFORE sex is granted, something he is not wired to do. The result is a relationship that struggles to succeed.

As for the physiological damage, science shows us that when a woman has sex with a man, a chemical called oxytocin is released into her system. Oxytocin is a neuro-peptide most commonly associated with pregnancy and breast-feeding. It seems to act as a human superglue and helps a woman bond with her infant. This chemical also helps a woman bond with her lover during sex. New scientific studies, however, suggest that if a woman has multiple sexual partners, this will lower her levels of oxytocin which in turn can inhibit her ability to bond to her husband. According to an article by Drs. John Diggs and Eric Keroack, “People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual.” [You can read the entire article at ]

It is like taking a piece of strong packing tape and applying it to a box. Leave it alone, and it will hold that box together for decades and decades. Take it off and re-apply it and, well… it just doesn’t hold as well anymore. Keep taking it off and applying it a taking it off and applying it and… I think you get the idea. This is what can happen to a woman who has multiple sex partners.

The Boys are the Biggest Losers

Even though a woman also can suffer negative consequences from promiscuity, I believe that men can have the most to lose. Why? Because a sexually promiscuous woman, despite lowered levels of oxytocin and a less than positive attitude toward sex in general, still is internally wired to WANT to connect with her husband. Indeed, that desire is so strong, it causes her to fight through many of the negative side affects of her previous sexual experiences. A man, however, has no such natural “wiring”. If he fails to properly “imprint” and bond to the wife of his youth, he may spend the rest of his life in a disconnected state from her – indeed, from any woman. What he may do is attempt to re-connect with what he had imprinted on so many years earlier and foolishly turn to porn, affairs, lust, etc… All which can have severe negative consequences to his marriage.

Overcoming Sexual Damage

The degree of sexual damage people receive largely depends on the degree to which people become sexually involved before marriage, particularly if there are numerous sexual partners. It also can vary from person to person. For some who have had just a few consensual experiences, they may seem to carry little residual effects; while for others, even just one consensual experience can cause them to struggle later in their marriage. You can imagine the result if a person’s sexual experiences were not consensual as in rape or incest – it is likely that much more damage will have occurred.

The question now is: can a person who has been damaged have a meaningful sex life? Thankfully, the answer is yes, any person can have a wonderful sex life, but it will more likely come easier to those who waited until marriage. Those who did not may find they will have to work at it a lot harder.

Here’s an analogy I like to use: there are people who can seemingly eat anything they want and never gain any weight. Then there are those who allow themselves the slightest indulgence and they will gain a couple of pounds! What is the difference? One has a very different metabolism from the other.

So it is true with those who did not wait till marriage for sex – their “sexual metabolism” may be very different from those who did wait. Evidence shows that couples who wait until marriage report more satisfying sex lives than those who do not wait. And since sex is so important to the bonding of the couple, this is why couples who marry as virgins have a much lower divorce rate than those who did not wait. A couple whose only sexual experience has been with each other is much more likely to experience a natural “bonding” whereas those who have been promiscuous may find they will need to be much more intentional and deliberate in their approach to sex in order to bond.

Be Transformed

In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul gave us some very powerful advice that can help us overcome the negative effects of sexual damage.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. – Romans 12:2

So here we have the answer to the big question “How can I make things different?” The answer is “Change the way you think!” Quit thinking in the destructive patterns of our lust-driven culture and be transformed. Transformed not by special prayer or through being anointed by holy oil or holy water or by being touched by some holy preacher, but by the renewing of your mind. In other words, you need to change the way you think! You need to re-program the way you think about sex.

If you have imprinted on lust and find yourself constantly thinking in that way when you have sex with your spouse, you need to STOP it. Refuse to allow your thoughts to drift off to a “lust” context when having sex with your wife. You need to re-imprint on the girl you are married to. You need to key off of her and her alone.

May you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer–
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
- Proverbs 5:18 & 19

You may find, however, that re-training the way you think can be extremely difficult. You may even find that your sexual performance may get worse initially as you refuse to think those lustful thoughts that drove your erections in the past. But if you persevere, you will find your sexual energy will come roaring back and without the need for dirty thoughts that take you back to your early sexual encounters. You will find that your wife will be all you need in order for you to be sexually fulfilled. And you will find that the sex you experience without lust is multiple times more fun, exciting, and fulfilling than the kind of sex you try to re-play in your mind.

And as for you women who have falsely learned that “sex doesn’t mean anything”, you too must renew your minds. You need to change the way you think about sex. Sex is the key to a man’s heart and you need to view it that way. You need to go out of your way to notice the small ways your sexual interaction with your husband energizes and motivates him to want to connect with you in ways that are not sexual.

But do not kid yourselves – renewing your minds may prove to be one of the most difficult things you have ever undertaken. Ask God for his help and make a definitive decision that you will no longer live under the lies of your lust-driven past and that you will be transformed by thinking differently! Trust me when I tell you that the payoff is amazing and worth the effort.

In Conclusion
Outside of marriage, men tend to imprint on the lustiness of “naughty” sex. A man may try to re-live that in his marriage by fantasizing about other women while making love to his wife or by trying to guilt his wife into performing sexually in ways that she is not comfortable with, or by ignoring his wife altogether as he masturbates in a pathetic attempt to re-create his lustful fantasies. It would be better, however, for that man to stop trying to re-live his previous sexual experiences and force himself to intentionally focus on his wife, think about her, actually be with her, and not attempt to recreate the sexual exploits of his youth.

Outside of marriage, women tend to come away with an attitude that “sex doesn’t mean anything” when, if fact, it can mean everything when it comes to her husband truly bonding with her. She must now be much more deliberate in her approach to sex, having to continually remind herself that sex is a vital component for her marriage to thrive.

Can they have great sex now? Yes! But it may not come as easily to them if they had waited. And the greater the damage, the more effort it may take for the couple. (Boy, if anybody should warn their children about the negative possibilities of pre-marital sex it should be those who have experienced it first hand!)

Virtually anyone can still experience a wonderful sex life, but let’s stop pretending that sex before marriage is “no big deal” and start telling people the truth – for two reasons: 1) so that our kids can avoid the problem in the first place and 2) so those who have been negatively affected can learn how they can still succeed by changing the way they think about sex.

Always remember, God is not a prude. He does not tell us to avoid sexual promiscuity because he is somehow embarrassed about sex. He just knows how we are wired and wants us to experience the very best.

Mark Gungor

98 Responses to “The Damage of Sexual Promiscuity”

  1. Vicki Pollard says:

    My church is enjoying your course!!! I want to share this portion, as it presents terms new to me. However, “imprinting” web references are not leading me toward Christian values. Is your article “The Damage of Sexual Promiscuity” simply subjective? Can you offer web data reference (scientific study explained in layman’s terms)? THANK-YOU!!!

      • Mike says:

        this is nothing new.
        I saw a video back when I was in college (’02) of a man lecturing other college kids and he described the psychological/chemical bonding process between men and women during sex that was being studied by biologists and psychologists. and also how this bonding process breaks down more each time a person changes sex partners.
        Since I had never heard these things before I was confused over the old style of clothes that were being worn. So I checked the box after class.
        the video had been copy-writ in the late 80s!

  2. Dino Watt says:

    GREAT stuff Mark! I love sharing your insights with my readers. Thank you for all you do. Such and important topic! I would love to get you out here for one of your events!

  3. viki says:

    I am glad to see you teach against sex before marraige and that you believe in asking God for help. I am concernd however that you told a friend of mine that God does not direct us in affairs of the heart. ( finding a bride, etc). The bible teaches that God guides us in al things. JUdges 14:4 God guides Samson to a Philistine wife. Isaiah 31 Trust God not men. Proverbs 19:21 plans of man/ Gods counsel Proverbs 16 verse 1 God gives answers. Verse 9 God guides mans steps Verse 20 Heeding the Lord finds happiness. These are just a few examples. God guides us in all matters, the Bible says so hundreds of times

    • Tiffany says:

      Two words: free will.

      It is something that God gave us. And if we chose to ignore his direction, God, being the gentleman that he is, will not force us to do as he pleases. He offers us the way and the options – it us upon us to follow.

  4. Toni says:

    A lot of this makes actual scientific sense. I think you might reach a whole lot more people if you published this without the religious references. I know many people who would actually read it then. Just a thought.

  5. Sarah says:

    This is a very interesting thought. I am not Christian, I am a Norse Heathen (which does not mean I am Godless) but I still love your insights and thoughts. On this in particular…my husband and myself are dealing with such a thing, a lot of sexual encounters for him before we met, and only a few for me. We have the problem of my husband not being interested at all in sex, and I can’t get enough of him, which causes me to want to stray (not that I have) and him to withdraw from me completely. Many arguments about this subject. Reading your article is very interesting in regards to my own situation, and I hope to hear more about it, and other topics. However, I hope someone non-religious would ever think of doing these kinds of seminar’s, as it is HARD for a Pagan such as myself to sit though the religious hype to get the great information you provide.

    • Albert says:

      I am a Christian and I can tell you that even though Mark makes references to scripture at times, it is not something that is abundant in his seminars. I purchased his “Laugh your way to a better marriage” seminar and I can tell you that if you use his basic principles that don’t revolve around scripture, you to can have a better marriage.

      Mark speaks about stuff like bartering with your husband. If you love sex and it’s not something he is interested in, then you find something he would like to do but wont because you don’t like it, or something to that effect. Then you barter with him. I will let you do “this” (the thing he likes to do) if you will have sex with me more often.

      This is a very simplistic view of what he says in his seminars but it give you a basic idea. He is wonderful in his presentation and I believe this would even be something your husband would like.

      And, If you want a taste of what his seminars are like, you can check out some show clips on his web site here or on Youtube.

      Good luck and God bless.

    • Debra says:

      Sarah, my heart feels sad and also hopeful for what might become of you — you call yourself a Pagan, but only find information in article like this one , where God’s stamp is clearly all over it — “hype” would point out that He is seeking you out to see Him in your life. You’ll only be in heaven some day if you pay attention to His voice (even in what you read) , and choose to believe.

  6. janine says:

    I am teaching teeenagers on sex, relationships and marriage and I find this article very helpfut as it comes from my same perspective.
    I would ask it you can document your findings so that I could share them with some veriviable credibilty. Could you provide me with that?


  7. DUIANA says:

    As a teenager I was promiscuous and I totally agree that it does
    leave a deep impression on your mind , soul and spirit. I lived with my daughter´s father, married another after him . After six years of healing the Lord sent me a wonderful christian man . I admit the first few years were very hard for the damage of the early promiscuity. Being a pastor´s wife was not easy because all the junk of the past affected our intamcy. I was his first he married damaged goods but he did not care and his love carried both of us many times. All in all God is the only one that can heal but having a loving and patient husband like the one God gave me well… words aren´t suffiecient to describe.

  8. missy says:

    This is all true! I am desperately trying to get my husband to make love to me and to not treat me as a sex object!! I often tell him he is “masterbating on me to the sight of other women.” I want to be the only sexual being in his life, but the world is telling me this is not possible. This gives me hope that it truly IS possible, but I’ve got to find a way to get my husband to work on it!

  9. Josh S says:

    “Mere heathen morality, and not Jesus Christ, is preached in most of our churches.” -George Whitefield

    “A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.” – Matthew 7:18

    Why is it the church is always preaching to evil tree’s telling them to produce good fruit!? An evil tree is incapible of producing good fruit. We don’t need to re-program the way we look at sex we need to reprogram the way we look at God. Because to love God is to HATE the things God hates. To love God is to hate SIN. The bible says the Gospel has the power to save (Rom 1:16).

    The fear of the Lord will keep us from adultery, lust, fornication…Exodus 20:20 states “so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.”

    The root of the problem isn’t the lack of understanding of how the sexual imprints of our brain function. The root of the problem is that we have so many people who will not die to sin.

    • Scott K says:

      I do not do the things God hates out of fear of God, but because I love my Creator so much I do not want to do anything that displeases Him.

  10. Michael Ejercito says:

    The only way you can get teenagers to reserve sex until marriage is to convince teenagers to get married right away.

    Nobody is going to save sex until marriage AND wait until the thirties to get married.

    • Bri Stutz says:

      This is not necessarily true. Encouraging teens to get married right away is more likely to add to the divorce rate than anything else. At 19 I thought I was ready to get married and knew everything I needed to know about relationships. I am now 23 and have learned enough about relationships in 3-4 years to know that I knew nothing then…and still feel like I know nothing! I am so glad I did not get married at that young of an age. I know that it saved me unnecessary stress and heartache from the shock of being so ignorant/uninformed/unwise. And it allowed me to be a kid for a few more years, while I actually learned to be an adult on my own. (By the way, I’m still a virgin)

      Even though waiting until 30 (or more) is NOT on my list of things I want to do in life, I will do so as long as I am not married. Although it hurts at times, I want to choose to honor God with my life more than I want to choose to give into selfish desires.

      It has only been by the grace and strength of God that I have been able to remain sexually pure (of any form). I am as much human and full of fleshly desires as anyone else.

      To anyone reading this: the mistakes you’ve made, it doesn’t matter to what degree, God can make you new again. God doesn’t measure sin, it’s all the same to Him. But He is so good that He can give you a fresh start and you don’t have to hang on to the identity of the choices you’ve made. If you’re a Christian, your identity is in what He thinks of you, not what YOU or anyone else thinks of you.

    • Violet says:

      That is the way they did it in the past: They taught kids how to be ready for a permanent relationship by their teens and then married them off at the same time their hormones blossomed. I don’t know whether that was a good idea or not from a psychological perspective, but I can see the logic they used.
      But I still think it’s a bit strong when you say “nobody”. I know people who have waited at least until 30 for their first sexual/marital bonding experience, and it seems to have been worth it for them.
      (I myself am currently 24 and trying to figure out what to do with my own undirected hormones. My rough plan is to wait it out until I’m about 27 or 28, and if I’m still not married, I’ll see about surgically removing my sex drive so I can move on peacefully.)

  11. Bietka says:

    Here are few facts I want to share with you, because this article lead me into tears:

    I am from Czech Republic.
    Czech Republic is 90% atheist (the second atheist European country), due to the Communist history.
    I grew up in a Christian family and had a hard time being a Christian (as young, bullying in school).
    I was always trying to search what was the purpose of Bible and God’s rules, what it was good for (logically + scientifically) in someone’s life.
    When reading Marc’s stuff, I see how blind the world got. People are unhappy and can do nothing about it, because they actually do not know nor cannot see the reason.
    It is advisable not to say in my country that I am still virgin (bullying).
    I am 24.
    I was always searching for this wisdom which I finally found in Marc’s teaching.

    I cried, because I got to be a lucky one to know.

    • Dana says:

      Thank you so much for sharing this Bietka. I hope you are still fighting the good fight and staying strong in the Lord.

      How has God transformed your mind since you read this?

  12. Wendy says:

    Mark you are a plagiarist…Dr. Ruth wrote this in HER BLOG, which you copied and pasted to pretend you came up with this on your own.

  13. Dan says:

    I’m afraid I’m a bit confused by something in the article:

    “God’s original plan was to use sex as the path to commitment. But because of promiscuity, she no longer views sex as a path to her husband’s commitment. On the contrary, she begins to demand that commitment BEFORE sex is granted, something he is not wired to do.”

    So the ideal is dating, then betrothal, engagement, getting a marriage license, then having a wedding ceremony in church in which he vows to forsake all others, all without having had sex. Sounds to me like the man is expected to commit fully *before* any sex happens.

    My wife was a virgin when we married. After we had sex the first time, she said, “If I had known that *that’s* all it was going to be, I wouldn’t have waited.” It turned out that we were not at all sexually compatible. You advise men to focus on pleasing their wives, but when I asked my wife what would please her, she said, “If I have to tell you, it ruins it.” I was not a very good mind-reader, and she’s now very happily married to another man.

    One of my best deeply Christian friends in high school married her Christian boyfriend soon after graduation. Of course they were both committed to waiting to have sex until they were married. It turned out he was gay, and died of AIDS in 1987. His wife swore she would never again marry anyone without knowing from personal experience that he was genuinely sexually attracted to her and that they were sexually compatible. I cannot find it in my heart to tell her she was wrong.

  14. alyson Boe says:

    I like what you have to say. My husband had multiple partners beforehand and I messed around with a few people but didnt do everything until go married. We have a great sex life though, and always have. I mean, since we got married. I really have seen no ill effects. We kind of check out porn together, of the soft artistic variety as I am creative and enjoy it as much as he does. I am wondering if the reason we do not have these effects is because he first fooled around with me and had a crush on me from the age of 4. No he did not try to seduce me at age 4 if your wondering, he at least waited until age 17. So I guess he imprinted on me and his “naughtiness” in his first exploit if you will was with me. Have you ever heard of that happening? But it was a sin and for that we are sorry. He has suffered in other ways though, mainly financially from a girl who took advantage of him…. so anyway things are not always as dire as they seem and grace is abundant…

    • Carol says:

      THANK YOU, THANK YOU, for bringing this issue up and for pointing out how this could be a significant factor with the imprinting of a person’s first sexual encunter! A dear friend of mine,now, whom I dated in college but never had sex with, always reminds me that I’m the only person he’s never had sex with. But, interestingly, I’m also the only girl he’s remained in contact with and feels comfortable sharing aspects of his life with.

      We currently live in different States but became reacquainted when he contacted me at a difficult time time in my life; we have remained in contact for going on 20 yrs, now. During this time, I have learned as a child he had had an unfortunate experience with sexual abuse, which he had repressed, by an authority figure in his life. He remembered this experience after learning that this person had passed away.

      Ever since I’ve known him he has been quite sexually promiscuous which created problems in our relationship and also in his marriage (now divorced). I really found value in this article as I now believe his sexual behavior is a factor of the “imprinting” he experienced as a child. We discuss and share information about most things but, this topic about his childhood, he says is too difficult to share anything about with anyone. I’m Christian and he is not, he’s not comfortable using religion to explain, improve, or to “save” things. Since we’ve been back in contact, he seems to be experiencing more turmoil in his life for multiple reasons. Because of his promiscuity, afterall, he’s know longer a teenager and it’s not seen by others as the ‘cool’ thing to do.

      I would like to be a support to guide/allow him to explore and learn why his behavior and actions are the way they are. I’m aware, though, that if I direct or intervene too much, I risk becoming a co-dependant person in his life. If anyone has any input or resource information that I could access to either share with him, or, read myself so his healing is not hindered, and I don’t sacrifice my well-being in the process of supporting him. I value the friendship we have and I don’t want to push him away by pusing buttons,becoming a nag, and, a pain in the butuska. I believe our never having had sex is a main factor for him to trust and communicate with me as much as he has over the years.

  15. Amy F. says:

    I think it is important to note that the “imprinting” is the same that occurs when a boy’s first sexual release is while viewing pornography — I would love to read some about how that affects him within the context of marriage as well. It is far more likely, with the average age of initial entry into the world of pornography being 10 or 11, that the man first imprints to an IMAGE while releasing sexually alone. Any thoughts? …

  16. Cam says:

    I have a question. What if the man waits until marriage, but then goes through a divorce after his wife leaves him. He goes through a brief period of promiscuity before returning to Christ and eventually remarrying. What then? Is he going to be forever imprinted on his first wife? Or will he go through what the man who never waited goes through? And how different, if at all, is his recovery?

  17. jubilee says:

    W.O.W. If we compare fornication with drug use; or calling sexual addiction the same as drugs, then we could tell kids not to have sexual ANYTHING unless they are married. I’ve always told my daughter, the BEST SEX is between TWO VIRGINS in their marriage, more ORGASMS for the women, and you have 50+ years LORD WILLING, to practice
    Getting the images of porn out of your mind is similar to getting off of crack/meth do you think?

  18. Shmuel says:

    You can’t expect teenage boys and girls to be around each other and not eventually have sex.

    We need separate public schools for boys and girls if we ever want to solve this problem.

    I have no idea why intelligent people would think that it’s helpful to put boys and girls together in the classroom, or even the same school. Do they think they will learn better this way? As far as learning to deal with the opposite sex, religious people who go to separate schools to better in marriage than people from mixed schools.

    • C-PTSD Victim Needs Hope says:

      That is not true. I was tricked into attending an all-female high school. It was the most sexually trashy school I ever knew. Extremist feminism, encouraging lesbianism and multiple divorces, man-hating, gender-bending, sluttiness to emasculate men, female on female sexual abuse, witchcraft, goddess worship, etc. etc. etc. Girls bullied me almost to death. There were no boys, to witness them and hold them accountable for their wicked behaviour. I could have been protected and saved, by a boy’s tenderness. The school was operated by adults full of hate, I guess trying to make themselves feel superior, by using the other gender as a target. This hate was directed towards the helpless children, instead.

      When I finally transferred to a co-ed high school, I was taught morals again. I was guided on how to have a successful marriage. I also began to get a decent education, that I could use. People cared about me. It was important to them, whether I lived or died. I felt Love. Perhaps that was God.

      Please don’t be so naive. Putting boys and girls together in schools, encourages them to build loving relationships. Single gender schools, encourage hatefully and fearfully seeing the other gender as sexual objects, rather than people. It was a cult of hate, from the principals to the counsellors to the teachers to the students.

      It could take more than a decade of therapy, to be able to build a loving relationship, after being isolated from the other gender and being a target of hate from your gender. Not to mention, that with extremist feminism, female leadership may not be questioned, leaving the children to be the victims. Put straight girls together and lock out boys, and you get a massive child abuse nightmare.

  19. Rick Larson says:

    Well done! We have a lot in common. I have been doing marriage ministry for 30 years as a pastor. I have recently retired from pastoral ministry to concentrate on marriage. I have a book available on the website as well as a seminar that can be listened to online.

    Keep up the good work!


  20. RM says:

    Hi Mark…. Excellent article and very encouraging for the believer who has a past. My husband and I have 4 children. We were both married once before. We both made mistakes outside of marriage. My husband was also molested by a woman as a 5-year-old boy. Our individual pasts have troubled me. What you said about the damage is true. I have never read an article about this topic with so much insight, wisdom and hope. We have taught our 4 children to wait. Our oldest son is a 25-year-old virgin, and it’s not been easy for him with the pressure the world and the enemy puts upon him. He worries that he is getting older and the virgin women are becoming fewer. I remind him that God always holds back a remnant unto Himself…. All he needs to do is be faithful and let God worry about the rest. The younger children, all teens, are also waiting. Our family motto is “stay pure.” Thank you for your article that we can share with them and that is encouraging for us!

    • chenemy says:

      RM,i luv ur family motor of “stay pure” ,may God keep u and ur family intact as u desire to live a disciplined life

  21. Lisa says:

    I would like to add this article to my page on pinterest, but there is no “pinnable immage” to allow this. Could you add one so I can save your page? Thanks!

  22. Meredith says:

    I am dealing with so much that pertains to this right now with my boyfriend. We have a 7 week old son together, and he has two previous marriages with 3 other children resulting from same. He also has an extensive partying and drug use history. He is now sober and ironically the best man I’ve ever met. He was promiscuous during his teenage years and now, at 34, is completely uninterested with sex. I, however, have been with one man before him. The tension in our relationship is devastating. What are some good exercises to get him to change his thinking patterns or how can I encourage behavior that will ultimately change his views? I want him to view sex as specially as I do. We are both Christians and attend church regularly.

  23. Gladson says:

    The Damage of Sexual Promiscuity has been true information to me.
    But i wanted to ask you what if a boy feels insecure about his girlfriend and due to feeling of insecure.
    He persuades his girlfriend to have sex and for both the parties it is special, his girlfriend is happy and both of them does it frequently out of the marriage boundary.
    and both of them are also committed to each other and also planned to marry in the better time having good career in life.
    Will this situation be considered as SIN.

  24. Mandy says:

    What a refreshing change! I am so tired of hearing ludicrous support for unloving, highly sexed-up behaviour. Your article put everything so well I want to read it to everyone. No doubt they will think I am cranky as usual but I just long for the time when the whole world is healed and this kind of thing won’t need explaining. I do believe the Bible but I also believe this stuff is written in our hearts if we were to truly search ourselves honestly. We know we are doing wrong if we are promiscuous – it is an inner feeling that we learn to numb so that we can continue to be “naughty” without that annoying conscience thing nagging us. But so few people even care any more. My brother is like a dog on heat whenever he sees a woman in the street! He knows nothing about her and she could turn out to be a transvestite etc etc. He just widens his eyes and stares almost panting, gasping how fit she is. I feel like slapping him. He is so unhappy and unfulfilled. No lasting relationships. (well who would want to be with someone who has the atrocious habit of doing that when they are meant to be with you?) And I also think that e.g. if a man was found in the lounge or bedroom with an undressed woman then his wife would be devastated and he would be a slimy loser. So why is it any different to have it in your lounge or bedroom on a tv screen? Some women have no problem with their husbands getting a good eyeful of someone else in a very erotic way. I can’t see a different principle at all. It is the same. Even Jesus said that if a man looks at another woman so as to have a desire for her then he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If people stopped feeding their desires this way then maybe the focus would turn back to the wife. If the wife said it made her feel uncomfortable when he was gawping at erotic images without fearing the “you’re just a prude” attack, then at least she wouldn’t be condoning his disloyal thoughts. And vice versa. (I know plenty of women that are just as mentally disloyal to their husbands too). It just isn’t acceptable and totally devalues the one you are meant to love. So thank you so much for putting this unusual article out for people to read. I am sure they will excuse themselves for bad behaviour by labeling you somehow. Keep up the good work though! It is important that people understand that this very problem has brought angels and kings to their knees so it will take extra strength and resilience to resist and create much healthier thought patterns.

  25. kisha says:

    hello my name is kisha and i was over the top blessed by this blog, i absolutely thank the lord for your desire to share the most profound truth and pray that you will continue. God bless you!!

  26. Dominic says:

    When men see women who have or hold no value on themselves they in turn loose their sense of values and value less not only women but also life because a woman to a man is life.When men see a womans’ life being devalued they themselfes are belittled.In consequence all of humanity is hurt.

    • James says:

      However, this depends entirely on the man in question’s sexual orientation. Sorry, just had to point it out.

  27. Mysti says:

    Thank you for this insightful article. I’ve been married 21 years and now understand why my mindset towards sex has been so different from my husband’s. Much appreciated.

  28. Michael Keehn says:

    This is a well written article which provides and organized, understandable explantion of why promiscuity in harmful.

    I can say that I was very involved sexually prior to marriage and much of what you said applied to my sexual life with my wife.

    I am just beginning to renew my mind. Thank you for the insight and the encouragement. God is faithful.

    I want to experience sex the way God intended, not satan.

    I have found my sexual experiences to be physically powerful and emotionally empty.

  29. daniel says:

    I am 34 years old. I met a woman, 3 years younger than I, when I was 32. I knew she had 2 children, but she lied about the circumstances. She told me that they were from one man with whom she had a long relationship with. I had planned to marry her because I loved her and didn’t consider her children mistakes. Only after we had our first child did I find out that her other 2 were from 2 different men, both one night stands. Since then, I have hated her, felt betrayed, and I stray purposely because I want her to feel how I feel. I know I am no better at this point. But I loved her, and she lied. And for this I will never trust her or love her again. I suppose we will both go to Hell. Life sure sucks, doesn’t it?

  30. Nwanchor Festus says:

    The act of sexual promiscuity is now a common thing with our students, more especially female students. In higher institutions of learning, this act has become a money making business to these young female students. They use this act to get whatever they want on campus and off campus.
    Higher institutions are meant to teach and inculcate sound moral values to their students, is now a place where lecturers receive bribes from their students. Even among the student they know the lecturers that do collect bribe. Some of these lecturers either collect money or ask their students to pay with their body. This bribery majorly comes into play when student fail their courses. Majority of these students have stopped preparing for their exam because they have the mentality of bribing their way out.
    Most of the hostels and quarters have been turned into brothels; Students who for the first time had gained some social freedom from their parents’ watchful eyes and guidance easily fall short to the temptation of sexual pleasures on campus. Some of them have become so wild on the illicit love making that they give most of their time and attention to the detriment of their studies.
    They become so much engaged in immoral activities that they sleep through-out the daytime in hostels and during lectures for those who want to register their presence in class. Some other ones will completely abandon their lectures to keep appointments with their sugar daddies as well as sugar mummies.
    Lecturers who are supposed to encourage autonomy in students by teaching them how to work for themselves and ensure that they have sufficient knowledge and skill to be successful on their own terms are the ones that are encouraging back door pass-marks (sorting). These also are lectures who are supposed to be mentors and fathers, have now turned to a lion, who demands sexual gratification before they pass and graduate their female students.
    It is God’s will that you should be sanctified, avoid sexual immorality, and should learn to control his or her own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God. As a matter of fact no one should wrong his or her brethren or take advantage of them. Or it is believed biblically that the lord will punish all men for his or her sins. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 1Thessalonians 4:3-7.
    God has called you students and lecturers to be a good ambassador, in your place of learning and in your place of passing knowledg e. You are not called into this world for sexual promiscuity.
    Do everything within your power to start living right. Bear in mind that pre-marital sex or prostitution, will not grant you a glorious destiny but regrets and pains.

  31. Lover of Life says:

    I am so glad you are one of the Christians like me who are not one sided. It saddens me to see the names women get called and how we’re seen as not suitable for marriage if we’ve been promiscuous. How much value do you put on a human being if their value is lowered to dirt by being sexually promiscuous? At that point, it becomes about society’s rules and not about morals. And I am so glad you said no matter how promiscuous a woman is, she still has the ability to bond. Honestly, I think when men sleep around they feel insecure or are missing something as well. Being closer to God and knowing his word takes away all judgment and gives understanding to the truth. The truth is, sex would be so much more meaningful if we stuck to our husband/wife and that example would be passed on to our children.

  32. James C. Gomez says:

    This is very helpful to me who had friends engaged to Sexual Promiscuity as early as 14 years old.
    I am just concerned about them and help them to overcome those bad memories and live life according what the Lord had planned long time ago.

  33. Anna says:

    My boyfriend and I are both Christians with a pretty messed up past concerning promiscuity.
    He was molested for years by his own father and is currently suffering the aftermath of his third divorce ( i.e. a bitter ex wife trying to ruin him financially and skirting around child custody arrangements ). He seems , like myself, to be on a perpetual journey of searching for answers of figuring out what happened to him and how we are supposed to live, act, and be.

    I lost my virginity before I turned thirteen to a seventeen year old who had no intentions of having any relationship with me. I became very promiscuouse after that earning a “whore” lable from some kids that knew about my behavior.
    I suffered from excruciating low self-esteem issues durring and after those years of engaging while just a baby ( if you were to ask me about ovulation, or pregandnancy, errections, climax or any related terms about sexuality I would have been clueless although I was actively giving my body away and enjoying sex )

    My boyfriend feels that his separatyion and divorce has given him enough time to know and recognize me as a healthy prospect ( a good risk- my words) for a wife that would be understanding etc. due to our ability to communicate , which I agree is pretty good. I do wish more time has past for him between his last marriage and me but I hoped that we could take it slow. Saddly, after several weeks we gave into sexual temptation and I do have to admit that it has altered our relationship… I think he and I agree on this as my insecurities popped up after feeling him drift away— what was an “I love YOU” in text messages and kisses good-bye has become ” have a great day”. I am angry at myself for once again giving myself away when there is truly no honest and permanent commitment. Its like we both deceived ourselves in a big way with the ‘feeling’ of being “In Love” and now, we are having fears of commitment and doubts. I know he cares about me very much but the totality of caring and value I received in the beginning from him is lacking now and in reality , although I think I love him, now I’m confused also. I believe I want to move forward with this precious man but I know we have NOT been putting God on the throne and I’m afraid that, that alone is an indicator that we are in for more heartache and confusion down the road….. Ive done a lot of reading on this topic but find that I still fall prey to trusting someone else for big decisions rather than my own gut…. my guy did not have these hangups as I do, and I went with his flow, not respecting my own history and knowledge. I am suffering now in a fog of self doubt and truly want to experience what Godly courtship entails…. Thankfully, this man and I realize what we need to do, STOP the sex. He has agreed to open up to my pastor for guidance …..I think he is going to be worth the wait and I am looking forward to what Our Holy God has in store for us as we finally obey Him.

  34. Miguel says:

    very very well written article, now that I just recently became christian became like a ring to my finger in transforming my mind and have to admit it everything you write in here is correct and true, well done amigo.

  35. Devi says:

    I feel like a dirty puddle of rain water after a cars have ran thru it several times. It really does suck. I was a virgin until I was 18 and then all of a sudden I felt this sexually awakening and really wasn’t at all.I feel like I have made some terrible decisions and it really feels terrible . I put myself in a position to feel like I do right now. And no matter how hard I try to block it all out of my head, I just can’t . I wish I could go back and redo it but in life you just have to live with your mistakes. I really enjoyed reading this it gave me some new perspective on things. Thanks !

  36. george says:

    EXTREAMLY DISAPOINTED…When I started reading I thought finally someone with an opinion that is not tired into God,religion or the bible…I was wrong…we were given free will..that includes making moral judgments….IF YOU NEED A BOOK TO TELL YOU THESE THINGS…….theres a problem…and if your telling other people they need a book to make these choices as well.I’M would not want them in my life.Because that same book tells them to ask for forgivness after the immoral judgments or acts are commited and they will be forgiven..SO WHY SHOULD ANYONE CHANGE…START MAKING PEOPLE ACCOUNT FOR THERE ACTIONS…TAKE RESPONSIBILLITY…I THINK THAT IS A MORE PRESSING ISSUE THEN TWO PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR ONE ANOTHER EXPRESS IT BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED.

  37. Mike Song says:

    God Bless you for sharing this valuable message! For people in my age group (18-22) it is a very relevant subject. Unfortunately, there are many friends of mine here in Europe who don´t follow and know Jesus and have improperly “imprinted” themselves. This essay has helped me to resist temptation and to stay on the right path.I ask that we pray for those who have improperly “imprinted” themselves so that they may one day see the light and change the way they think.

  38. Lehlogonolo says:

    Your words are very uplifting and I truly do not regret making the decision to stay pure until I get married. I’m a 19 year-old student and rejoicing every moment for having let God intervene whenever I thought “I was ready”.

    A BIG ‘Thank You’Mr Mark Gungor for this amazing site.

  39. Mark Ongley says:

    Was just gearing up to write a blog about sexual imprinting and decided to Google the topic. Great article. It covers some angles I hadn’t considered. Thanks!

  40. Elizabeth says:

    I read your article and I though it was very insightful and information and encouraging!!! I want my granddaughter Michelle to read it! Just tonight we had a conversation about the subject of per- marital sex, sleeping with many young boys, and about her having a bad reputation!!! Thank you for writing such an important article!!! Elizabeth Stone

  41. Nompumelelo Mnisi says:

    Wow! Wow! Wow! Your article is so amazing, so eye-opening. I just wish everybody could read it, young and old alike. With your permission, may I copy it and send it to my friends and give to my kids. This is so informative. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Stay Blessed!

  42. MIA says:
    On December 2, 2010 at 6:28 pm
    Dan wrote:
    I’m afraid I’m a bit confused by something in the article:

    “God’s original plan was to use sex as the path to commitment. But because of promiscuity, she no longer views sex as a path to her husband’s commitment. On the contrary, she begins to demand that commitment BEFORE sex is granted, something he is not wired to do.”

    So the ideal is dating, then betrothal, engagement, getting a marriage license, then having a wedding ceremony in church in which he vows to forsake all others, all without having had sex. Sounds to me like the man is expected to commit fully *before* any sex happens.


  43. Apostle Benjamin K.Makoma says:

    This is very helpful to me who cause I deal with family and marriage counseling here in Nairobi Kenya as a minister of Christ Jesus and I couples who are engaged to Sexual Promiscuity. I am just concerned about them and help them to overcome those bad memories and live life according what the Lord had planned for them during wedding vows..
    Apostle Benjamin K.Makoma
    Nairobi Kenya

    • Mike says:

      I have a doubt about the Oxytocin in women, I’m married with a woman that have like 5 sexual partners, with one of them was 5 sexual encounters, and i was his 14 sexual encounter, she said that she never felt nothing for them even the lowest form of bonding with them, she said that she just was given his body because low selfsteem, need for family love and attention, but she sees them as a bodies not persons, i dont believe this because of the oxytocin, but the true is that she seems to in love with me, she told me that she doesn’t believe in this study because she thinks she produce so much oxytocin with me, what do you think?

  44. Rebecca says:

    I just came across this article tonight while up with anxiety about my past and how it has affected me today and I have to say it opened my eyes to a few things in which I have struggled with for years. The “Oxytocin explanation” was what did it for me! I began at the age of 15, I am now 38. It truly is self mutilation without the blade. I would tell people I am like a cutter but not with a razor but with sex. I understand now why I cannot connect with anyone not even my children. I love them dearly but by the time they were born I felt I had nothing left in my soul. Boyfriends then husband then boyfriends, it just got worse and worse. As a teenager then into young adulthood I was with several men so it makes sense to me how each one took more and more away from me. I don’t even like people in general or having friends. I suffer from depression and its hard. I in turn settle with someone who is in prison so I never have to get hurt! I wish I could help teenagers today and just tell them its not worth it! On the plus side I am a Christian and today I use my shield towards men by saying I am a princess, a daughter of a King, therefore I shall be treated like one! Thank you for reading and thank you for your article! Rebecca M.

  45. Lalitha says:

    OHHHHHH my gosh! This is the best article I have ever read. God was truly with you when you were writing it. Since these kinds of mistakes were made mostly because of lack of knowledges among teenagers, I hope all parents could memorize this article.

  46. Sensible guy says:

    You missed it big time when you said men have the most to lose from sexual promiscuity. Both sexes lose out, but women are the BIGGEST losers.
    A woman is wired to “connect” with whoever she sleeps with, even if she does not want to. Imagine the trauma of connecting and disconnecting on the psyche of a woman, as she hops from bed to bed. Over time, the bond with a new sexual partner weakens, sometimes irreversibly, such that even a marital ring cannot heal. She comes to see sex as nothing of a big deal, and that prepares her to have an affair after marriage.
    The man however predetermines how important a woman is to him before having sex with her, and therefore can dust his pants after the act, and go play basketball without thinking a hoot about what just happened. Women simply are not wired to do that. They tend to suffer long term emotional flooding that comes from meaningless sex.
    Maybe you need to talk to women more. They can’t simply forget a sexual partner as if he does not exist; they bond with him even against their wills—sometimes for life.

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