Infidelity is rampant in this country and unfortunately, all too common in the church as well. People claim to “fall in love” when they didn’t “mean to,” saying that it “just happened.” I point out that people fall in toilets, off of bikes, in holes, off of chairs, etc… but they don’t “fall” in love. Men and women who get involved in extramarital affairs think that it’s love; they feel this huge rush of emotion, passion, and desire and think, “Surely, this has to be love.” But to answer the question posed by Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?” My answer: nothing!
Let’s look and see if an affair actually fits into the description of what love is:
• Love endures long… NOPE – most affairs are short lived, when the heat gets too much or the feelings wear off, it’s over.
• Love is patient… NOPE – an affair is all about impatience.
• Love is kind… NOPE – what is kind about stringing someone on, not being devoted to them, and two-timing them?
• Love is never envious or jealous… NOPE – an affair is filled with lots of envy and jealousy.
• Love is not proud… NOPE – an affair is nothing but a pit of pride that both people are swimming in.
• Love does not rejoice over evil but rejoices over truth… NOPE – adultery is sin, sin is evil. It’s built on layers and layers of lies and deceit, not truth.
• Love does not seek its own way… NOPE – an affair is extremely selfish.
An extramarital affair is not about love. It is about pure selfishness… period. Nothing about an affair is love. Real love sacrifices and puts the other person’s interest first. Putting another person’s marriage, family, life, and their very well being in jeopardy just for your own satisfaction and selfish needs is not love.
Don’t deceive yourself: an affair is never about love. Self-serving lust? YES! Love? NOPE.
An affair has everything to do with lack of commitment and for men it is usually a pride issue. I agree Love has nothing to do with it.
I have to admit that I was one who had cheated once upon a time and I did think it was love. I think that in a way it justified what I was doing. I thought that it wasn’t hurting anyone as well. I was wrong. It was hurting everyone. I was taking time to be with my lover which was time away from my family and that is the absolute biggest regret I have in my life. I’m living proof that it isn’t about love. I did end up divorced and have remarried but have now been cheated on several times over. I have not left because I almost feel like I deserve it for what I did. I can only say that, at one time you felt you loved your spouse. Seek that out with God’s help before doing anything outside of your marriage with another. At the very least let your spouse go first and let them have their life back if you can’t figure out yours.
Yes it is selfish. I didn’t realize that until I told my husband about my affair. Then we starting looking way down deep inside of me and the healing began. After we started to get involved in marriage conferences, classes etc. I realized how selfish I was and I don’t have a problem admitting it. Sometimes childhood issues that are buried way deep down inside are a root of why we do the things we do (even when we believe in God). Also, if you’re not open in your marriage any negative thought or thought about you not being married to the right one because of differences needs to be exposed. Sin grows in the darkness and seclusion of your mind. Get it out!!! It’s better to discuss it then and possible strike a nerve then to have an affair and cause extreme hurt. I thank God everyday that my husband of 30 years decided to not give up on me. We now lead small groups and are active in marriage ministry. Don’t listen to Satan’s lies!
Just want to say thank you Debbie for your honesty. I am now divorced and was cheated on many times by my husband. I can tell Debbie, you have figured it out, because of your last sentence “let your spouse go first and them them have their life back if you can’t figure out yours.” The rejection felt when you are cheated on is huge.
Sharon Witham says:
I so appreciate your spiritual insights into the marriage relationship. This holy union is crumbling in an alarming way inside and outside of the church. We need all the wisdom we can get to keep our relationships in tact and healthy.
Thank you for such a fruitful and life-changing ministry.
Debbie 2 says:
My husband just returned after leaving our home for a year. He admitted to a 4 year affair, an emotional affair and another 8 month affair. God told me to stand for my marriage and I did. My husband commited his life to Christ and was baptised. God is good. I’m not saying it’s easy as my heart was broken and I’m working through the pain of him cheating on me, trusting him again- and of course the why questions..but God has a bigger and better plan for us – so never give up on your marriage!! Never! God can make anything good out of the bad.
Gloria Mendez says:
I love the fact that you have been standing on your marriage. Reading what you wrote had helped me greatly, even when just waking up missing my husband that is always laying in bed next to me.
As the victim of infidelity I can honestly say it is the most painful experience I have ever had.There are no words to describe how your entire world can be turned inside out and upside down when you discover the person you trusted most in the world has betrayed you. I decided to stay with my husband and try to rebuild our marriage which felt like nothing but ashes. Little by little we are moving forward one day at a time.It is as if a giant tsunami came and washed away 30 years and we have to start all over from less than zero. Only by God’s grace am I finding the power to forgive as we seek healing together. Adultery destroys entire families not just individuals.
We are working hard in 12 step recovery, marriage seminars,prayer, and other means to not only save our own marriage and broken hearts but we hope to help other struggling couples avoid this tragedy before it is too late and they fall into this terrible pit.
Dear Claire, I too have your same feelings.My husband who I adore and trusted completly admitted to an affair .It started as an emotional affair then brief intimacy which resulted in a pregnacy and abortion which both hurt me and shocked me !He told me he had been feeling lonely and he had really stopped talking to me but had found a ‘friend ‘ to talk to.
I found out a year ago and have been trying to work thorough it all but so hard. I try to forgive and then all those terrible feelings and thoughts come up that I have to deal with. Just when I think I’m there it all comes back . He is remorseful and really tries to make me feel secure but when I find that he has been in contact with her It all comes back with a vengence. We have started counseling sessions which I never thought he’d agree to but when I’m in a state it scares him so much I guess he had no choice.
Anyway not sure why I’m emailing you but just to let you know I know this terrible pain .
I too wdant to help other couples not to drift apart and help them before its to late.It happens so sutly and unexpecting .I know he didn’t plan it to happen .
Good luck to you .
Susan Davis says:
AMEN! This should be clearly posted in every motel and hotel room!
God Bless You, Mark, for your candor and honesty!
Pete Cordova says:
my marriage of 18 yrs ended when my wife started flirty with other men and eventually got sexually involved and left with one. I trusted her and wa never jealuos or protective of her. I tried my best to keep our marriage even to the point of offering forgiveness and getting counselling, but she would have nothing to do with it. It was the most devastatingly painful experience I have ever had. Inretrospect I would have insisted on marriage at the very beginning of our marriage.
Sad in Wisconsin says:
I write this with both sadness & confusion. I caught my husband of 19 years having an affair with a casual work acquaintance. He insisted it was strictly an emotional affair and scoffed at me when I was tested for STDs just to be safe. He told me he wanted to work out our problems and move back home but said I was being manipulating when one of my conditions was that he break up with her until we figured things out. He said I was controlling, I said I had standards. I thought we were working things out, only to discover in Dec. that he was still involved with her, while he was involved with me-he was cheating on his mistress with his wife! He said he held onto her in case I didn’t want him back (another round of STD testing). I don’t know why, but I want our marriage to survive. Isn’t there a point where you just have to let go, Mark? He has abandoned me and even his children…I am so lost at what to do. I have prayed and prayed and I can’t hear what God is saying. Is it possible that he wants me to let him go and he has a plan for me that doesn’t involve an unGodly husband?
My husband of a 1 and 1/2 emotionally cheated on me with one of my friends, he kissed her four times. My mom was the one who found out before it went too far (God’s hand was definitely in this) He accidently saved his email login details on her computer and she accidentally pulled up all their old emails. It was devastating. It happened about 2 months ago. We are going to church, doing counseling, marriage small groups, doing everything possible. He cut off all communication with her. I know many of you have much worse stories, I’m finding the trust and forgiveness impossible right now. All the pain floods back at the worse times. I can’t just push it back in my head. Does it simply take time?? and do you think people can truly change??
Sad in Wisconsin says:
Hmmm…have you heard the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater? Unless a person confronts their sins and gives him/herself to God, I do not think it’s possible to remain faithful, at least not on a long-term basis. I wrote the note above a little while back, while I thought my husband & I were trying to work things out (that’s what he said and I wanted to rebuild the trust with him after 19 years of marriage). He said he wanted to try again after going back to the same woman as before, while he told me he wasn’t seeing her and we were sleeping together. We went without having sex for a short time because I wanted to know that he was in our relationship for me, not that (he said she sucked in bed). I just caught him lying again about where he was and he’s been with her again (including the day our son got out of the hospital). He does not have God in his heart or life. He says he loves me (not just as the mother of his kids but as a wife) but then I find out he’s at it again. I guess he’s made his choice…too bad it was for a woman who’s been convicted of writing worthless checks and has had her home foreclosed on instead of for his wife and children. I don’t believe God intended for this to happen but sometimes even Christians have to stand up for themselves. Follow your heart and unless he’s 100% totally committed to God and helping you through this, be careful that you don’t get hurt again. My counselor had good advice – be positive but protect yourself!
I think too many people overlook the reasons why someone has an affair – they forget to look at the spouse who was cheated on and only look at the “dirtbag” who did the cheating. It takes two to make a marriage work and if the husband or wife is not holding up their end, the other person will starve for love, attention, affection, friendship, companionship, etc. If that spouse opened their heart and mind to make sure their spouse was so thrilled to be married to him/her everyday, maybe the other wouldn’t have gone searching. Some people are just plain “dirtbags” but I’ve known a few good people who ended up cheating because their spouses only thought about themselves (usually narcissistic type people). I think God doesn’t want any person to suffer from any sort of abuse – physical or emotional – or from being pulled away from Him. He wants us to grow closer to Him and if a spouse is holding you back, that’s your choice to stay. The church lays so much guilt on people who NEED to get out of a marriage because they usually cannot understand or see why it’s a must. I have known my husband since I was 14 – he was 27, married, with a young child. He started a sexual relationship with me and I became so obsessed with him, I never told anyone and never let go of him. I’ve been married to him for 18 years now (married when I was 21) because I thought it was my duty to take care of him and save him from his ex wife and all his other problems. I’ve been struggling silently all these years, tried to talk to him about what had happened ‘back then’ and he never wanted to deal with it. Now I’m the one in therapy getting stronger since I found out I’m co-dependent (wanting to save him but not take care of myself). We have two young children and the guilt haunts me everyday. I basically live in fear of him because of his narcissistic personality… I’ve felt like a single mother for the past few years because I take care of everything and he’s very controlling of me and I feel like his ‘property’. I basically married my ‘father’ – we are not equal – so how can someone tell me to “work it out” or that “God can change him” – it was statutory rape, yet I’m not out to destroy him but want to be ‘released’ once and for all. I care about him as the father of our children and as a person and don’t want to see him suffer, but I had my entire adolescence stolen from me and I’m the one who’s starving. I tried to forgive him, I thought I had the possibility of closure but it all came back to bite me because of his personality & him turning the tables on me where he knows I’ll just ‘save him’ from his own pain and guilt. When you start wishing God would take either you or your spouse away, that says there’s some serious problems that cannot be fixed because one person in the relationship will never change.
I have been married to a narcissist for 15 years. It is horrible and yes they say you become brainwashed.
So when a wonderful man comes along and literally rescues you, treats you like a queen. Like you have not ever been treated. Does not yell at you, does not say horrible things about you.
Takes care of you, protects you….yep you fall….sorry the word is fall because you are about to fall off a cliff and then suddenly someone catches you.
I was about to go insane, yes to the point of checking myself in. I am sorry about the affair….the sad thing is after I left my husband, whom in my mind I was divorced to already due to the emotional abuse. I saw this wonderful man who felt like my Boaz. No my husband had not died, and I m sure others feel that is warped, but it was after I left the abuse…
I want to date this man. I may want to marry this man…..They say divorce is so wrong….what about living and trying to be the PERFECT wife even teaching the Word. I know it well so that is why I stayed 6 years longer than I wanted…..
NOW WHAT??? I will be alone forever because I could not live in the abuse and watch my son become an abuser…..I wish I had a perfect answer I do not.
Yes, I do believe a spouse can be driven to an affair….especially if they have BEGGED for years for help and told the husband….HELP ME….I can see where this is going. HELP before it is tooooo late.
I appreciate what you are saying and your pain, but it is my belief that you should leave before you enter into a relationship with someone else.
So Gloria, what you are saying is because the spouse who was cheated on didnt meet the other spouse’s emiontional or sexual needs then they shoudleexpect the other spouse to cheat? I call bull, we as humans always have a choice an ability to make a sound decision, and if a spouse is not meeting all of our needs we can choose to leave rather then cheat. Cheating never needs to happen as if we talk to our spouse and nothing changes. Then we should leave the relationship. Not find someone else then leave.
still hurting says:
yes, it takes two to make a marriage work; but it still happens when one does all they could to make things work, while the other ignores the effort. I know as it happened to me. My husband and i used to work different hours – I work morning, he works afternoon, just so the kids r cared for by one of us at all times. I found out 3 months ago that my husband cheated on me, like some of the other ladies here, she was a co-worker and it started off as an emotional affair before it got physical. I found out only because he wanted me to. you see, he’s always a gambler and had hidden a huge debt from me for many months. Since finding out, I’ve researched on how to survive the aftermath, and had found that I HAD done everything to prevent the affair, but he didn’t want to share his feelings with me – there were things he saw as problems and I didn’t, but he never told me so we could work things out. We’ve been married for almost 20 years. Yes, he’s remorseful, but he still sees her at work as I can no longer go to work – I can barely get out of bed most days. He had contacts with her outside of work in the early weeks, but I found out; he says he’s stopped since then and i believe him. Every time I feel better and think I’m over it; memories will come back to haunt me all over again. he suggested counselling before I found out, but now he won’t go. He’d rather not think about it and just move on. part of me wants to find the core of the issue but that would bring every thing back. A wise friend told me to look after myself and just focus on my own feelings and make sure the past doesn’t bother me, and let him deal with his own issues – he’ll come to me when he’s ready. It frightens to me hear that after a year, it still hurts as much.
I feel for you, “still hurting” – yes, I understand that sometimes it’s the other way around when people have affairs. One person (like you) does all she can to make her husband happy and to affair-proof their marriage, yet he still cheats. He sounds selfish and he may have issues you cannot help him with directly – gambling and hiding debt are not good signs of a emotionally healthy person. If you can’t encourage him to go to counseling, I would suggest YOU go for your own self. Yes, look after yourself and focus on you and your kids. No matter what happens, at least you know you tried the best you can. Please take care of yourself and get support from a good counselor and friends. Your children need you and you need them. They grow up fast so enjoy them right now – they can bring you joy and happiness to get through a day. God still loves you and God never divorces anyone. Check out the books called “Boundaries” and “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud/Townsend… they might help. Also, “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie; and “Safe People” by Cloud/Townsend. Take care of yourself.
Nicole, your comments are my thoughts in many ways. Thank you for putting it so well. I’m not sure anyone who has replied gets it, exactly, but I do. I was married to a passive aggressive man with low self esteem for 27 years. I am a hard working, Loving and forgiving Christian woman who eventually crashed with clinical depression about 15 years in. I believe you could call me co-dependent however I have issues with that label, as that seems to be the definition of the perfect Christian wife I was taught or encouraged to be, in my community. And as you can imagine, since i agree with your first comment, I am the one who had the affair. Not before giving this guy every opportunity to do something positive towards counseling,communication, etc. I was begging for answers for why the cold shoulder, etc. Nothing made sense. Years into this cold bizarro world i told him how i just couldn’t stand it anymore, i was so lonely, so heartbroken, he could stay and help raise our child but i needed a relationship, you must hate me. There was no response and so, once again, heartbroken, i put my plan in action. please people do not condemn outright every sad cheater. They sometimes have an abusive passive aggressive at home. Emotionally immature. They wait until you give them the opportunity to cry foul. Yes, i should have left long before, but hindsight is golden. And i disagree, love comes in many forms, people, don’t be so ready to dismiss it.
After you read this you will think that I deserve all of what I am experiencing right now. I have been married for 12 years and I have had two very short affairs. I can honestly admit that they both started out emotional and then ended physical. With my second, I jeopardized my job, relationships and friends. I was selfish and there is no excuse for my behavior. In the beginning of my marriage my husband had an affair, eventhough he claims it was right before we got married which I am not believing. He hung out consistently and partied all the time. Women was always around him. It’s weird because we were married but he did his thing and I did mine. I worshiped the ground he walked on. I sacrificed and gave him all of me. After I had my first child, nothing changed, he told me that i was not a happy person, etc. Long story short, I met someone that I worked with and started an emotional relationship. It was not about sex eventhough it happenend once. My husband found out and we decided to work things out. Life after that was okay, still many areas for improvement. Communication was not the best and here I find myeslf right back in the same situation 6 years later. This time, there is no excuse. When approached, I created so many lies because I realized what was at stake for me to lose (kids, family, job, etc). His reaction took me by surprised. I continued dening the truth and finally I could not lie anymore. Now that I have been 100% truthful and he has had me relive every minute of what I did physically, he is disgusted with me which he has that right. We have talked and talked and some days are better than others. I have never been more truthful in the past two months in my entire 35 years of life. We agreed to work through it yet some days he tells me to pack my shit and go. I wish it was easy but it is not. You see, I love him more than my own life. I cannot live without him. He made mistakes in our marriage and he did not cheat at least so I know in the past 10 years. My sex life is great with him. This was not about sex for me eventhough he believed it. It was attention. I did not feel like I was getting it from him and I was wrong to not communicate it to him. I thought that he would do as he usually did and say something about my weight. Bottom line is that I want my marriage. I have connected with God on so many levels and know that I will and can never cause any more pain to him or myself again. I need to know what I can do to save my marriage. Please help!
at first i thought love means affair but by checking out these meanings of it im so blessed cus i had one but i got rid of it cus it made me realise that affair exists for a while an i knew i would sufffer a lot if i was still in the relationship so,
I am reading your book now and I should say that I love it. I hate to read and for me to not want to put your book down means a lot. I am dealing with trying to make my marriage work after an affair and it is hard. I have a hard time telling him how i feel because I don’t want to be hurt. I have learned so much from your book thanks again.
it helped to read this this way. I need to hear no matter what they thought they shared, enjoyed, got away with, wasn’t love. No one could take it away from them –she finally called it off. leaving my husband thinking he’ll forever want her. forever. and my prayers are for u-turn. this is like living someone else’s life. but thanks
I agree with this article. An affair is never LOVE when you took a vow before GOD. An affair is pure self centered indulgence in sin. I was married for 18 years when my husband decided to have an affair. It took me 6 months to figure this out. When I confronted him, and demanded that he end the affair he pretended the affair was over. He lied and deceived me for another year and continued with his affair. We have been working on reconciliation for over a year but I’m very very distrustful of my husband. We have now been married for 21 years. Love is patient, love is kind, love is never envious, never proud and does not rejoice in evil. Yes, Yes, Yes…But how do you trust your spouse after a two year affair, and being tricked that the affair was over when it really was never over? I asked him did he stay with her for so long cuz he loved her? He said he loved her but as a friend. Not love as a partner, girlfriend or wife? Is there such a thing as loving your mistress as a friend? He said he stayed in the affair because he thought I would leave him and he did not want to be alone. He was 46 at the time. I continue to pray every day and I struggle to maintain my FAITH this marriage will survive such a betrayl.
Faith, I know your pain. I was devastated to find out that my husband was still very much involved with the Ow even though he said he had ended it! She had no problem letting me know it was not over and that was almost too much to bear. My husband told me she was just upset at being dumped she was causing trouble! I think I could have gotten over the affair if he had actually broken off with her, but now I look back on the deceit and the duplicitous life he was leading and I just cannot stay in this marriage. It is so painful filing for a divorce from the man that you love more than life itself, but the layers of lies are too much to take!
Yes it takes two to make a marraige work. It takes ONE to cheat. Cheating is never the answer. You don’t need to be a stab victim to know that stabbing someone will hurt. I don’t care how “bad” the other spouse was..you don’t CHEAT. you don’t rob a bank because you have no money and lost your job.
Well said Lauri. I don’t think any1 could’ve put it any better-not even Mark-lol.
Alan Carter says:
I was wondering if this material would be appropriate for a couples Sunday School Class. Many of our members are working people and find their weekends too precious to give up for a seminar on marriage, especially if one or the other in the relationship think they don’t need it. However, since people set aside Sunday as church day, would it be right to use this material for a Bible Study during the equipping time (Sunday School hour)or would it not.
My husband of 11yrs has cheated on me and left me and our 3 kids twice for 2 different women. Both women were coworkers. His recent affair started last yr and lasted for a while. When he moved out he was gone for a little over a yr now he’s bk. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t trust him and I am very bitter. To top it all off he still works with “her”. He wants to work it out and tells me he’s sorry he hurt me and the kids. He always talks about how he made a huge mistake and “believed a lie”and that he loves me so much…all I can think about is he’s done this twice, lied to me and broke my heart, treated me like a doormat. If I try to make this work how long will it be before he decides to do this again? Sometimes I think that maybe the bedt thing to do is end it before it ends me…
my husband cheated on me and the pain was too much to bear. Its been a month now since i knew it all and what I can share is that God does want us to learn forgiveness. It is not something easy to do and few do it but its the best thing for you and your family.I understand now that God is taking me through the fierce trials that purify us as christians. I can choose to runaway or stay in the fire and let it burn away the chaff. Christ forgave us despite the fact that we crucified him. I am now getting better and although there are days the pain floods back God sees me through. I believe in a God who is able to fix any broken marriage and look forward to the day I will say it is fixed. For those with a husband who keeps cheating, I believe that if i were in that situation I would stay until he decides to move out and walk away from our marriage. Christ never walks away from us but lets us decide what to do. If we choose to walk away he doesn’t hold us back. It takes supernatural strength to forgive and to stay when the pain in indescribable but I have learned God has that supernatural strength which he is willing to give me.
I have been married for 39 years and my husband met his affair partner on face book. She is also married. They started an emotional affair for six months, then started a physical affair in January. My husband came home after a 3 day “business trip” and told me he had “fallen in love” with this woman. He then told me he “loved me but was not in love with me! I was devastated! Long story short, we decided to reconcile, but I found out that he was still in contact with this woman in very hurtful ways. She sent me emails from him that he wrote to her telling her that he wanted to leave me as soon as I was strong enough to take it. This was 3 days after we celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary! I found emails and messages he sent her telling her that he was going to leave me. Here I was believing that he was sincere in reconciling! When I would confront him he would tell me I was crazy. After 8 months I asked him to leave hoping he would realize what he was losing, but he ran directly to her and spent 10 days with her! During our so-called reconciliation of 8 months he assured me he loved me, never intended to leave me and did not want a divorce. He said he had made a mistake and loved me. Now he is living in a hotel and I recently found out that his married lover is with him and worse yet has been posing as me. My husband was formerly a very upstanding man with a good sense of right and wrong. Now I don’t know who he really is! He is 58 and his affair partner is 51. I am 57. We have 4 adult children who know and are very disappointed in him. We have 11 grandchildren who want to know where he is, we haven’t told them anything! This OW has 2 adult children, but no grandchildren and her marriage lasted 29 years! She is not divorced nor has she or her husband filed, but she tells my husband she is divorced! I finally filed for divorce although I did not want to only because he just won’t even try to reconcile and has flatly refused any counseling! He said we never had a marriage like a man and woman should!! What?? Ian broken hearted and lost over 40 pounds in 4 months. I just can’t take anymore! Sometimes you just can only do so much! By the way, before his affair we had a great marriage that family and friends were envious of. He NEVER told me he was unhappy or said there was any problem! Even after his affair he said I was a great wife and mom! I still love him, but I have to keep my sanity and health! I can’t help him, only myself. I am heartsick!
Robert Ray says:
I caught my wife by chance while trying to get a hold of her to tell her not to pick up our daughter at school for band practice. She thought her phone was shut off and I heard her tell another guy that she loved him and in return he said I love you to. Boy I tell you that hit me hard. My whole world fell apart. When she came home she knew something was up when I said can I talk to you about something that I heard on the other end of your phone that you thought you hung up. I went on to ask her if you are having intercourse (not the word I really used) she said yes. She went and started blaming me for the affair. Such horse shit. I need to explain and try to understand.
Hello read about how ego works , ego always blames others
This is so true! Now that explains it, why my ex husbands mistress, now wife has lots of jealousy and anger towards me. I don’t even know or care to know this woman. It could be cause I may have not warned her, whom she was getting involved with. Or could it be because she sees I’ve moved on and she is still trying to compete. Whatever the reason may be, I don’t care. Thanks to her, I got full custody of my son and stayed with my house and my car. She wanted my ex husband and that’s all she got to keep. 3 years later I’m with a real man who loves me for me, and loves my son. We have a beautiful 13 month old baby girl. I knew God had a plan behind it all. As for my ex and her they have been together for 4 years, and still live with family members on his side. Wish them both the best!
I’ve been married for 23 years and have 2 children in their teens with my husband. I recently discovered he’s been having a 8 year secret affair with a woman 20 years younger than him and they have a 4 year old child together. The reason why no one knew about this affair was because the woman was in China, where my husband goes for work quite frequently last time. Now that he’s based back home, he’s sent the woman and their son over as well. I think it’s too close for comfort but he is not willing to let go of this relationship. He says he has to be responsible for the kid. Sigh, he’s had a few affairs before but with no children. I love my husband and put him first before everything else. I don’t understand how he can cheat on me again and again without remorse. When my own kids are older, I’ll most probably leave him.Pray for me.
An affair is wrong and very evil of course but just like every other sin. I believe that in the eyes of God no sin is greater than the other. I will be bold enough to say that I’m currently having an affair with a married man. I feel horrible and ashamed for it. I cry often and I’ve tried numerous times to walk away. In no way do I desire to hurt anyone and I very well know how wrong I am but I also have to admit that it’s not easy walking away. I pray about it and yet I fail God all the time. I am practically begging God every day to help me. This has become bigger than me. And I know people will judge me for it. There is no excuse but I will say that I do LOVE this man. Not every affair happens with lustful intentions. We were friends before anything and not close inappropriate friends. We met through work where sometimes your coworkers become like family and so on. In no way am I justifying an affair. I’m simply stating that love can be amidst an affair. I have never called his wife. I am not envious of her. I don’t look for him. I don’t expect anything of this man nor do I desire to break his marriage. He was the initiator and for a year I ignored it but as I got to know him I fell. He’s not perfect but I love him anyway. No one is perfect, so let him without sin cast the first stone. My problem with all this is not that I can’t have him nor that I should not be involved with him. I am aware of that very well. My problem is what I feel for him. However, I know that I will overcome this. It’s wrong, I don’t want it. I want to please God more than anything and this has to end. I do not wish to hurt his wife nor his family. I would never be happy if he left or lost everything because of this affair. I just want to be rid of it and I believe the best way is to stop working with him.
It really feels horrible and I would tell anyone that if you find yourself falling into something so dark, walk away. It may feel right but a sin is a sin and very much against God. There is no blessing there. If you truly love the person, think I love them enough to not get involved because of my beliefs towards God and his desire over the union of a marriage. I really dislike who I am today. I just want out. God please help me. And before anyone judges, remember God is love. Love is kind so instead of bashing someone because they sin differently than you, listen then speak. If you know them well scold them for it because what’s not right is not right but above all pray for them. I may sound ridiculous but I was cheated on with my ex husband and I spoke so badly of him and the other woman and now I’m on the same boat. No they did not end of together, I also left him. Best feeling ever even I walked away and I have forgiven them for it but I also learned not to spit into the wind and that good people do bad things. I am a good person. I know I am. I just really need God to help me through this because I am wrong.
Thanks for reading my story.
My reply is to Martha -
I can relate to you 100% – I fell for someone meeting under similar circumstances. We are both married and NEVER went all the way. I have loved this man for two years and I know I will love him forever. I accept the fact that he will never be mine. I have never connected with “anyone” my entire life like I connect with this person. I also am not envious of his wife, I do not chase or look for him, I love within my heart. I want the best for him. I don’t hate myself for this. There is not one thing a person could say or do to stop me from falling in love. These challenges are tests in our life. You can keep a person you deeply love within your heart forever….It’s true love when you can let them go and want nothing but happiness for them. Martha, when you can do that you will feel so much better. If my marriage ever fails I do not wish to get involved with any other men. I was never looking for an affair to begin with and I’m sure you weren’t either. I have a son to raise and I do not wish to subject him “ever” to another father. If my marriage would “ever” fail I know I will remain single. I have prayed, begged God to get me through and it really does help. I don’t love this person any less….I have just accepted that this is the plan for me and I “can’t” hurt anyone involved especially my son. It’s all a learning experience. You either choose to do right or wrong. When you finally choose to do right you will feel so much better. It will happen. It takes time. Just always remember to keep the love you feel for that person within your heart always and it will get you through. My feelings for this man will be forever – there will be a forever connection within my heart. I’m just not going to act on it because I have that choice.
This article is so on the money!!!
To be ex-husband and I are in middle of divorce. On and off again affairs throughout our 10 year marriage. He announced he has found a rich woman (he doesn’t necessarily love her – wants her money) and he’s divorcing me to pursue her wealth.
After a month of grieving, friends have convinced me to let him go. So her is what SHE will get (he’s already moved in with her) – per divorce decree HE gets ….
18k IRS tax bill that’s fully in his name (I never filed jointly for legal reasons). 19k Cadillac bill he was stupid enough to buy a month ago to impress HER. 11k SUV bill for MY auto. A nice splash of various credit card bills.
In total – He takes on about 50k in DEBT!!! (Yes – $50,000).
And – our house is in foreclosure with refinance denied. And you can also have the SECOND woman he sees on top of you when you are out of town on business.
And …. he wants to continue seeing ME behind your back even after we are divorced (I laughed good on that one!!!!) The only difference for me? YOU get to pay the bills and wonder WHERE he is at?
And I KNOW there will eventually be a nagging bug that says, “Could he be with his ex?” And I have a garage I can park his car in – yup. I got tired of being the one to shovel the poo while you get the fun. Maybe I just decided to flip the tables on you?
Remember, “non-affair” sex is never as good as affair sex. I mean, after our divorce what do you have other woman? A serial cheating single guy who is flat broke!!! Please – take him!
An affair is NOT love – it’s manipulation of another cheater for benefit of self at the expense of an innocent spouse(s).
Sounds just like my soon to be ex! He is always telling me how loaded his affair partner is! Good, hope she likes paying his bills! He spends money like there is no tomorrow and of course I insist I get what I actually worked for in our 40 year marriage ! Wonder how long before she gets sick of his selfish behind ! I tried to warn her, but she just thought I was desparately trying to hang onto him! Well, good luck girl! You so deserve him!
So good to read your comments..I am in turmoil. Married for 26 years with 3 grown up children and never imagined for a minute I would enter into having an affair but here I am doing exactly that.My husband and I went to a friends birthday party a year ago and I bumped into someone I’d had a fling with 30 years ago. There was still a strong attraction, he is happily married with 2 young children and he started emailing me saying he wanted to meet me,had never got over us splitting up, I’d broken his heart,etc etc. I felt very flattered and eventually after 4 months I agreed to meet him. Well you guessed it, we ended up in bed. He has had numerous affairs but says he’s happily married. I feel completely addicted to the attention he gives me but so stupid and disgusted with myself for what I’m doing. It goes against everything I believe in and is robbing me of my relationship with God, my relationship with my friends (they would never believe that of me) and of course my honesty in my marriage. I want to stop but am scared of ending it as I will miss him so much. This is ridiculous and illogical as I spend so little actual time with the OM but the txt and emails gives a superficial high that is very hard to walk away from. I am also praying for help and forgiveness…. this is a living nightmare
I SO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. IT SO HARD FOR ME TO SAY NO.
IT IS JUST AN ATTRACTION THAT I CANT CONTROL AND AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW I AM DOING SO WRONG TO MY HUSBAND AND MY BOYS.
AND THE WORSE THING (IN MY SITUATION) IS THAT HE LIVES IN MY HOME TOO, SO I HAVE TO SEE HIS FACE ALL THE TIME.
Clare, I am the BS. My husband has been having an affair with a much younger women for 6 months already. All I can tell you is that however badly you feel, his wife and children will feel worse, and so WILL your children once the affair is found out. It is wrong of your affair partner to put so much guilt on you and lead you on. Get yourself some counseling. Your self esteem sounds very low.
My husbands affair has devastated me and my daughter. He has lost most of his friends, and does not appear to be any happier (he moved out after I found out about the affair, and we have been living apart for 4 months now). His affair has been going on for 6 months, and he is convinced that our marriage is over.
I am ever hopeful that the affair will fizzle out….they are not living together even though both her boyfriend and I know about it, so why is it not moving on?
The attention you are receiving from your affair partner is not real. You need to find love and acceptance within yourself, and if this means your marriage eventually comes to an end then so be it. Give yourself a fighting chance, remove yourself from the affair, get help with your own issues, then revisit your marriage. You will have untold guilt, and betraying your family and your values is never the way to figure your life out.
Just a quick question……I am wondering what is it about the affair that makes you think it is real love?
well me and this person have been friends for a long time but we decided to have a affair. now this affair has been going on for almost a year now. he doesn’t love his wife because they both are not equally yoke they don’t see eye to eye, she doesn’t support him in anything he do. Yes I’m single but I also share the same goals and he. Him and I can talk for hours about anything over the phone or in personal, except it not sex with us all the time. I’ll say out a month we are only together sexually once out the month or every blue moon. I’m in love with him, he’s my soul mate. I know this is wrong and trust me many of time I try to walk away but end up finding myself with him all over again. Recently we just had a big fight but I feel like every time we have words, he’s always blaming me for it, he always make me feel like I’m the one to blame but this last time he throw so low blows which I was so mad and I flet like hi disrespect me ro making me feel kike the bottom of his shoe
I AM 45 YEARS OLD AND HAVE BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR 21 YEARS AND HAVE 3 SONS (17,19,21). i AM NOW IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION AND I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE CAUSED THIS MYSELF. DURING THE SUMMER, MY HUSBANDS FAMILY CAME FOR A 2 WEEK VACATION, INCLUDING HIS 34 YR OLD NEPHEW. AFTER LEAVING, HIS NEPHEW ASKED IF HE COULD COME LIVE WITH US AND RELOCATED TO THE US. MY HUSBAND AND I AGREED HE COULD. DURING THE MONTHS OF JULY TO OCTOBER 9AS HE PREPARED TO COME) WE SPOKE AND TEXTED EVERYDAY. GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER AND SPOKE ABOUT EVERYTHING. HE CAME IN OCTOBER AND WE ARE INSEPARARABLE. WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS AND GET ALONG VERY WELL.
BUT IN EARLY JANUARY, I HAD A WEAK MOMENT AND KISSED HIM AND HE KISSED BACK. SINCE THEN, WE HAVE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER SECRETLY AND HAVING SEX. WE HAVE BOTH DECIDED THAT THIS IS A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP ONLY. BUT I FEEL SO STRANGE. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE GOOD SEX WITH HIM BUT I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THE ATTRACTION TO HIS NEPHEW. I CANT STOP THINKING OF WHATS GOING ON AND DONT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO
ANYTHING WILL HELP
I am a wife who has been married for 25 years. Our marriage has seen its up and downs . I believe the only reason we are still together is because of the kids. I have recently become involved with a man who is married as well .. The feelings that I have with this man is intense . Part of be is happy the other part is of sickness .. He has told me that he loves me and has all of these feelings for me . He is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last at night . I am so scared of being hurt, but I can’t stand the thoughts if not having him in my life. A affair is not easy at all . One minute you are on cloud 9 then next is a deep dark hole ..
I’ve been married 28 years I’ve been having an affair for 12 months it started of just talking but then has been sexual for the last 7.
I love him & he me. He’s constantly in my thoughts. Nobody would believe it if they knew. He would leave his wife & family if I asked. I don’t want to destroy my family though. I understand all you’ve said Anna
I read your blog and would completly agree (well with most of it…as a non believer in religion and the sin thing-although i do believe in the sanctitude of marriage)
My wife had an affair with a person that pretended to be a friend to get close to her. They “fell in love” but when the shit hit the fan their love very soon evaporated and now there is no feeling other than apparent shame and hatered on her part.
When the affair was going on he would always get jealous that she would be with me at home (not that i knew anything about it), that she had my surname (often told her to change it), that she would be with our children and that she would talk about me when they were out and never bad mouth me.
Anyway I was devistated when i found out after she broke it off and have been living in a shadow that i have made up in my own head ever since. Only now 8 months after starting to get over it and move on.
Love like you say has nothing to do with an affair. It is a fraudulent feeling that deceives minds in order to justify selfish behaviour that would not normally happen.
The only love in all of it was between my wife and I and for those that think that it is only men who stray from their loved ones….think again women folk are just as capable as men to do this.
Good luck to all!
Is it possible to take a cheater back we.are separatrd now and I want us to be together he only gives me bits and pieces of the affair.
why is it always the women who have affairs appear the victims? If a girl has an affair she in surrounded by girl friends that sympathize and in many way validate the affair. As a husband of 30 years I was devastated, i asked her to leave if she felt she loved him, but she refuses to do so, but at the same time whilst claiming she loves me(and we are very good friends as we have been soul mates all our lives), she refuses to truly acknowledge she hurt me with the the excuse that the admits that she “made a mistake”. Our children (and she and I as a married couple)are extremely close(they are adults now) and I feel as though I am being played as I did not want to expose what she did to me as I love them and don’t want them to feel bad about there mom. But i feel I am being taken advantage of and am so very very sad, because she was always my first and only love, but I am 53 and am wondering if its time i moved on but i don’t think i will ever marry again, as when i gave her my word 30 years ago I meant it and I gave my heart completely. Recent financial success has given me many options (after I discovered the affair) but I still cant get over the betrayal, She was my first and only love, and now as a man who has been betrayed to in the sexually explicit way I found out on an email record. how do you ever love and trust again? And do I need to do so as she is the same age as me and I am advised that I have alternatives. But I love my children so very much, and yes, the memory of us as a family, I am heartbroken, and men don’t have the support base that women do with affairs, we are considered “cuckolds and fools” by men friends, and “serving you right” by her women friends. this does not heal any wounds, and nor does it validate the abuse of thirty years of love and extreme affection I gave her and we gave each other. I am told that (by her ) that I am still extremely attractive for my age that is!!) and that is one of the reasons she cant let me go, But what does attractive mean if the only attraction I am interested in, and have always been, is love. Can women really love only one man, that all embracing, all encompassing passion of every waking moment, I know that I can and that I did, for many many years, but I don’t believe that women can continually do so. I am so very very sad that what I once thought was the wonder of her, is no longer true.
I truly believe this as well. I just found out my husband had an affair 4 years ago. He told that woman he loved her. She wanted him to leave me to be with her. He realized how insane the whole thing was and she went nuts. He says the stars in his eyes were gone and he saw her for what she was. He was extremely depressed when it happened. I was depressed as well which is why he was drawn to her. She was bubbly and happy and I wasn’t at the time. I don’t blame myself for the affair. I can just see why he was attracted to her. He didn’t love her. He loved the idea of her. I own up to my part in this and he is so ashamed and remorseful. I am staying. We are working on getting through this and saving our marriage. I need to heal. I am broken right now.
Speaking as the wife of a serial cheater. If you are cheating You are have joined a person willing to use you to help them in their cowardly actions to ABUSE the person who trusts them and possibly youYOU are NOT a friend . You are NOT loved .You are a parasite you suck the good parts of an innocent persons life to justify your cruelty you pretend you love a cheater by the way that’s you too. Selfish selfcentered evil cruel immature selfdestructive liar thief hmmm Wow if these are your true life choices GROW UP stop being a child even children KNOW cheaters NEVER win. Try something you have not considered start justifying your own life enough to be someone who is capable of sharing real life and love not a cheating thief always lying to your self because facts are good people NEVER choose to HURT any one for evil and people who choose to be bad are choosing to selfdestruct and damage every one around . Hmm and cheaters call that love hmm talk about laughing a good laugh love NEVER HIDES love NEVER uses another person and love is not cheating.
. The love of my life, 28 years to be precise. He had a 7 mth affair. I believe it has ruined me as a person. I will never be the same again. We had it all x. He is so sorry and doing his best to make things right again. The pain he has caused me is constant every day. It’s a year now, and I still cry every day.. I also wonder should there be a time to tell the kids, so that they won’t ever do this to anyone they marry. I wish people knew what hurt they cause when they have an affair. I even tried to take my life:(. O god, I have prayed believe me, just sometimes I think no one is listening. To all who have been betrayed, y heart goes out to you all, to those of you who have been the portrayer , your conscience will be taking over I hope. If you are working at saving your marriage, good luck to you all for not giving up x. Yes, I’m still with hubby, but it is really really hard xxxxx
I have read all these replies. No one can understand the extreme pain of being cheated on unless you have been through it. The worst pain of my life hands down. At one point my heart hurt so bad I actually felt it hurt physically. This may sound awful, but I truly feel like it would have been easier if my wife of 18 years had died. At least I could have continued to love her and hold onto the good memories of her. Unfortunately affairs kill love. Good memories still exist, but knowing the person you made them with is not who you thought they were pretty much spoils it…. My advice is black and white. If the cheater in your life is not remorseful (sorry doesnt count as remorseful), repentant, and not willing to completely cut their affair partner out of their lives, your marriage will not work or last. There is no brushing this under the rug. it must be dealt with or it will snowball out of control. Ask yourself, are you staying out of love or fear! Do not let fear ruin your life. You can create new and better memories. Never take any blame for the affair, but please take a good look at your part of the partnership, for those will blinders on will make the same mistakes again. The only way to make new good memories is to learn from you mistakes, forgive (including yourself), and get back on the horse!
It was good to read this. 6 weeks ago my beautiful, compassionate, wonderful wife who was the love of my life for the 12 amazing years I’ve known her left me to live with a man I discovered she’d had an emotional affair with.
I’ve had all of the “I’m in love with him” “I can’t help my feelings” “I can’t love two men” excuses but she won’t accept the possibility that it’s anything other than love.
I’m dearly hoping that she snaps out of this and realises that what she had with me was real. For my sake, our daughters sake and her own sake.
This has destroyed me and my family – but I was willing to forgive and move on. Rebuild the amazing marriage we had and forget it ever happened. She wasn’t.
This article gives me a very slim hope that whatever has possessed her, will wear off.
I have read most of the replies on here. Let me just say that any of you defending and justifying your cheating have never had it happen to you. If you had, you would realize how wrong it is. I am amazed that you could even write these things without recognizing the the insane hypocrisy. Since when do two wrongs make a right? Never. Just cause someone else was horrible to you does not mean you have to be horrible back. I was cheated on for three years while my ex wife went through the most elaborate measures imaginable to keep her dirty secret, lying to me, her children, her parents, my family, her friends, her counselors, her employer and coworkers, pretty much every single person in her life. They destroyed two families and scarred their children for life. Even then, although I divorced her, I was never mean to her. I split everything fairly and straight down the middle with her. I continue to co-parent with her and do not ever disparage her to the kids (although I continue to have to pick up the pieces when she lets them down over and over) I have every reason in the world to be angry and vengeful toward her, but then I would have to live with being that kind of person. It all comes down to integrity. Do you say you’re a good person and then do bad things because you feel there is good reason? That is not integrity. Integrity is when you hold to your word and values even when hell has rained upon you. People with integrity never cheat, never ever. No matter what you feel justified in. All of you that justify your infidelity truly deserve to be cheated on by the love of your life. Maybe thats the only way to open your eyes. Some people just have to learn the hard way. Sad
Oh and one more thing. If you have been cheated on, especially if you are in the process of trying to reconcile and forgive, please educate yourself, read the stories so you can be honest with your self and you don’t get duped again. Believe me it can hurt even worse than the first time when you keep trusting them and they continue to betray you.
1 – If they are still seeing or being in contact with the affair partner, NO RECONCILIATION WILL WORK! EVER!, NEVER!, EVER! They must stop in order to move forward with you! can’t emphasize this enough!
2 – The people who said they had only an emotional affair are lying their ass off 99.999% of the time. (So no your husband or wife is not in that .009%) Stop wearing blinders!
3 – Cheating is never a solution. Leave if you don’t want to be with someone anymore, but once you cheat, you are always a cheater, till you die! No exceptions!
I am not married but i cheated on my long trm partner for 8 months. The desire for this other man was almost intoxicating..i even put him before my own son that was how strong our so-called “connection” was. Yes i thought it was love…and yes i was ready to settle down with this man..i put him on such a pedestal. My partner found out , threw me out the house but i resumed the affair unable to “de-tox myself”. He was my everything…until he started throwing jealous fits. There were plenty of red flags which at the time i decided to ignore. Jealous rages until once he knew he “had” me. he threw a jealous fit and got extremely violent. We have not talked for 6 months, i never received an apology and i went through the most awful emotional turmoil detoxing myself from him. He tried calling a couple of weeks ago..really????? i obviously did not answer. All i can say was yes, i was duped into thinking it was love when now when i look back it could not have possibly worked. The base of our relationship was based on lies and deceit. The head is a powerfool tool. It can fool you into believing what you want to believe…focusing on the happy moments rather than the sad and bad moments of the relationship…i am now learning to control these demons much more and my partner has forgiven me and we are working on our relationship again..is it easy? hell no! its awful- affairs are destructive. I would lke to share this quote which i think sums affairs up precisely to what they are. I, myself, even after the violence, i found it extremely hard to let go of the affair..but today i know that i was NOT in love with him, but more by the way he made me feel.
” People who have difficulty emotionally letting go of the affair partner even after having cut off contact usually are continuing the relationship in their minds through remembering and fantasizing. Fantasy provides the fuel for affairs — leading up to them, perpetuating them, and then making it difficult to back away or let go. Swept away by the addictive, intoxicating power of the “rush,” romantic fantasy and infatuation is confused with the complexity of intimate relationships and real life. The failure to believe that one is caught in a fantasy drives the process, leading to the false belief that this feeling is sustainable and a rigged comparison with a marital relationship”
I have married for 23 years dated 5 years before that. Fourteen years ago I had an affair with a coworker. My wife learned of it when our two boys were 5 and 1 years old. Over the years our marriage had healed. Fourteen months ago I failed my wife and family once again by having another affair. I can not begin to explain the emotional fall out that has taken place in our families lives. My wife who truly is a Godly women has been devastated again by my selfishness and narcissism. I have only though of my self and know one else in my family. I have failed miserably as a man, husband and father. It has been exactly one month since my wife learned of this affair and I have been so sadden by what I have done to the sacrament of marriage! I fell away from Christ and the church and this lack of guidance has let evil influence my thoughts and emotions. I have reached out to the Lord and have confessed my sins and have sincerely committed myself back to Christ. The Lord has shown me signs that he is working in my life. I pray for healing of my family and my wife. I pray to reconcile but it is in the Lords hands now.
Anyone who is in an affair “Get Out!” Please turn to God for help and guidance. I wish that I had just one friend who could have sat me down and talked to me about this and it destruction. I love my wife and would do anything to repair this destruction that I have caused. However, I fear it may be too late for us to reconcile. Do not let it be too late for YOU!