Scheduling Sex

Sex is an extremely important part of the marriage relationship. For couples who get this right, it makes life go so much easier. Those who don’t, can really struggle and it can make life together extraordinarily very difficult. One of the ironic things about sex and marriage is that before couples marry, you can hardly keep them out of bed, and after they get married, you can’t get them back in!

I am often asked the question, “How often should we have sex?” Generally there is one spouse in a marriage who wants to have sex more frequently than the other and it’s not always the guy.  Often, I will have beautiful women come up to me at my seminars and say, “My husband doesn’t want to have sex with me. What do I do?” Honestly, this is not something I can easily relate to!  Being a hot-blooded Hispanic, I can’t imagine not wanting to have sex with my wife!

This can become a major point of contention for couples. During my seminars and on my DVD I challenge men to be lovers to their wives; I teach them how to win their wives sexually. But for a lot of people, it still doesn’t work and so many couples struggle with this issue. They get frustrated and guys can get especially discouraged.  When that happens, they don’t want to be lovers to their wives anymore.

Sex was designed by God to be the single greatest force to bring a husband and wife together. If you aren’t having sex, you end up with all this separation and tension in the relationship and if you don’t fix it, it can eventually destroy the marriage.  You must find a way to deal with it. You have to find a way to make this work.  Not having sex with your spouse is not right; in fact, it is blatantly wrong and the Bible is very, very crystal clear about it.

If you are one of the millions of couple who struggle with this “how often should we have sex” problem, here is a practical suggestion for you: Grab the calendar and plan out your sex life! Plan this out. Negotiate the schedule.

Let’s say he wants to have sex every three days and she wants it only once a week, so you split the difference and plan it for every fourth day.  I know it doesn’t seem very romantic, but you need to move past that and take care of the sexual needs of your spouse. If you don’t, at some point, it will destroy your marriage.

And here is the deal—you can make it incredibly romantic! Once you have it locked in, let’s say that your appointment for sex is next Thursday, now have fun and play with it!  Flirt with her, remind her of the upcoming appointment! It’s great because now the more interested one can be playful and kiss and touch their spouse without the other one thinking. “Great!  He just wants to have sex!”  It can be a real sensitive issue when your spouse thinks that the only reason you are touching them is because you want to score! This way, they aren’t thinking that they are going to be scored on! The game is on and no one is in scoring position until Thursday! Now you can be comfortable just being held and touched. Just remember, it ain’t Thursday! Lead up to it and really have fun with it. This can be incredibly liberating.

If you are struggling in this area, if you’ve been married a long time and are still arguing about it, just “winging it” is obviously not working.  Wake up and smell the coffee and do something about it. If you don’t you’re running the risk of destroying your marriage.

Plan around being gone this day or that, or we have to do such and such on this day, and this is the kid’s soccer day, whatever… just work it out and make time for it! Stick to the calendar and then have fun. Be romantic, give her a back rub, but it’s just a back rub cause it not Thursday.

Seriously, have a great time with this. The reason a lot of couples aren’t touching each other is because one is quick to turn it into a sexual thing and other doesn’t want it and backs off. This causes more separation.  I promise you, doing this can give you the freedom and liberty that you’ve been lacking.  Then sex can be fabulous and not this tormenting thing that the two of you argue over all the time.

So tonight, grab your calendars and schedule sex!  Don’t just pencil it in either; write it in ink! Put the smiley face or a heart in the box as code so the kids or the neighbors don’t know what it is when they look at the calendar posted on the refrigerator! Plan it, work it, make it fun, and give each other the reminders! Just like an electronic calendar or PDA: “Ding! You have an important meeting in 24 hours!”

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20 Responses to “Scheduling Sex”

  1. T.A. says:

    This is very helpful!!! I’m going to show this to my husband because you have just described us perfectly. Have you been a fly on our wall? :)

  2. Jo says:

    Good info … and it works. The part that being touched and kissed does not have to lead to sex…but can if … realy does take the “pressure” off and lets one enjoy the moment …

  3. Russ says:

    Generally good advice, but I have found my wife often feels “pressured” in receiving the little flirts and hints about the upcoming day. Sometimes it has ruined the day when it finally arrives.

  4. Mike says:

    We’ve tried this in the past, but when the time comes, my wife finds other things, including watching TV, that she prefers to do. I’m still trying to work this out. Anyone have a suggestion?

    • chris says:

      go watch tv with her…get engaged in what she’s engaged in if you want her attention. When she knows you have her attention then she will do what you want…

  5. Samuel G Smith, MD says:

    Two things: 1) Mark, you are old enough to remember that “having sex” did not always mean “having intercourse” as it seems to mean now. In my talks to fellow prostate cancer survivors I emphasize the fact that there are a whole range of activities that are sexual from hand holding to where ever anyone wants to go and by thinking this way, intimacy is maintained and “having sex” is not such a big deal. 2)Schedualing sex is very important, particularly if the sex the couple wants, includes intercourse. From a pre bath that may be felt to be necessary to whatever it might take to achieve an erection (particularly important after prostate cancer therapy) and even with a requirement for any of the erection pills or making sure of the availability of a water based lubricant if the woman is menopusal, schedualing is imperative. Mike says that his wife wants other things even if there is a schedual establised. A psychologist talked in Sarasota of the fact that there has to be a “willingness” for the woman to engage in sexual activity, and since we know that the current paradigm in female sexuality is that “desire” comes after “arousal” that comes after a “willingness to be stimulated” that comes after a “comfortable environment with emotional intimacy” until the first step is in place, she will probably want to watch TV.

  6. Lady waiting says:

    We both in our second marriage decided to wait. It really paid off. Few years later and we are enjoying our life. I seem to find myself to be more suggestive in creativity than he is but, it’s all good. I tease him about it but my playful words have become part of the thrill. I want to encourage couples to date and surprise one another; and keep the creativity in your greetings at the end of the day. Welcome home dear!

  7. Marsha says:

    I am afraid to approach my husband with the idea. Less than six months after we were married we stopped being intimate. He said it is a health issue, but I have made appointments that were missed. After waiting now for three years I made an appointment and attended my husband to the doctor. Indeed he was referred to a Urologist that was in September I am still waiting for him to get to the Urologist. I know he is afraid, because he is not circumcised. However, our 4th anniversary is coming up and I would like it not to be a celibate one again. I love my husband he is intelligent, fun to be with and a good christian. I do not want to share this problem for fear it will demoralize him. Any suggestions out there?

  8. Sarah Wright says:

    Hi Marsha,

    It sounds like there are other underlying wounds or emotional issues on your husbands part.
    My suggestion would be to go to a Sexy Christian Conference by Diane and Ted Roberts. Their website is

    This conference changed mine and my husbands marriage. We were struggling with intimacy and we have only been married for 1 year! Approach the conference as a fun time to learn about God and Sex, a topic that is not always talked about in church.

    Also, we have also read together the books Captivating and Wild at Heart by John and Staci Elderedge. I read the books, he listened to them on tape! these books really talked about the wounds that men and women receive that can cause them to feel inadequate and how to help them heal.

    Good luck!

  9. milly nankya says:

    It hurts to live in a sexless marriage ,am contipulating to walk out.I think the above advise can only work if there is openess about the problem.unfortunately my hubby is not ready to discuss his problem leaving me with less options except to live in misery or misery out of marriage

  10. JohnTB says:

    My wife and I have been happily married for more than 17 years and we have scheduled sex twice a week for 15 of them.
    With five children , scheduling is a necessity of we want to keep the flame flickering!
    We are able to plan and prepare for it and add exciting new tists…this is not to say that spontanaity is left out and we don’t do it other times, or that we dont have to re-schedule on a regular basis, but we know that those same two nights every week as a rule will be spent together one on one.
    I highly recommend it for newlyweds and nearly deads!

  11. tricia says:

    Your husband has an underlying problem that he needs to deal with. To withhold affection is abuse towards the other person. You did not marry him under the intention of having a non-sexual relationship. He has deceived you to not be honest about his problem or maybe he thought he could overcome it once he committed to marriage. He needs help and maybe this site could help you both find some answers.

  12. Brenda says:

    I went to a marriage retreat and heard you on video. I thought my hubby would get it that women cannot read mens minds. I learned to wait for the right time to talk to him, not when he is doing something. I’ d love to win one of your videos because my hubby needs a refresher course in marriage.

  13. carol says:

    My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago. It as caught early and he had it removed. He has no problems urinating
    but doesn’t get an erection any more.What can I do to keep our
    intimacy in tact???

  14. EAE says:

    My husband moved into the guest room when I had a mastectomy, just “until I healed.” It’s been over a year and he gets very angry and insists it is for my benefit and says I am selfish if I even try to discuss it. At this point I don’t even care about sex anymore, if I could at least have an occasional kiss or hug, if I could just share how I feel without being accused of being depressed or ungrateful. He gets angry if I try to discuss those things, too. We get along great as long as I remember my place – a platonic “friend” who asks nothing emotionally. On the other hand, and very confusing, he has been great about being there for all my treatments and appointments and says if I die (my cancer is stage 4) that he can’t live without me.

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