Want More Sex? Resist the Devil!

Pastors everywhere deal with many of the same issues when it comes to dating, marriage and sex. One of the things that you will hear most of them say in regard to this area is: Before marriage you can’t keep them out of bed. Then after they’re married, you can’t get them back into bed! And it’s true even of Christian couples. Despite the fact that they may have taken a purity pledge, or committed themselves to waiting, lots of people end up having sex before they are married anyway. Then after they tie the knot, far too many find themselves in sexless marriages. For those of you who aren’t aware of what that means, a marriage is considered “sexless” if you engage in sexual activity less than ten times a year. And if statistics are correct 15-20% of couples fall into that category. Judging by all the people I hear from, I believe that the problem affects an even greater number of marriages than that.

While there are many possible reasons for couples having little to no sex—from pornography and health issues to overbooked schedules and kids—there is one area I would like to address that can have a huge impact, especially in the early months and years of marriage. I hear frequently from people who knew it was wrong to become sexually involved while dating, yet they tripped up and committed the sin. Afterward they feel badly and let the guilt and remorse interfere with their sex lives years into the marriage. They see it as bad and sinful, even though they are now married and should be sexually active with their spouse. In some extreme cases, they never consummate the marriage or perhaps only have sex to try to get pregnant.

This is wrong. In my mind, denying your spouse and not meeting the sexual needs of your husband or wife is being sexually unfaithful and it’s a sin. Ultimately, they are committing the same sin as before. They are buying into lies that tell them to do the wrong thing. Only the devil himself could be that crafty and convince us that having sex is the right thing when it’s wrong, then turn the tables and equally convince us that not having sex is the right thing—when it’s really wrong!

The same issue is at the root of both sides of this problem: We haven’t learned to resist the devil. We don’t resist temptation and do what is right. Instead, we cave into our feelings and do what is wrong. The enemy of your soul will do everything he can to defeat you and ruin your life. Before marriage he’ll throw all kinds of temptations at you and lies to get you to cross that line, become sexually involved and commit the sin. People report to me all the time that when it happened, they felt so guilty and knew it was wrong. Then after they get married, they’ll continue to be the devil’s punching bag and allow him to mess with them, their marriage, and their family by filling them with all this guilt that says, “You messed up! You should feel bad! This isn’t right and you shouldn’t be enjoying it now that you are married!”

Satan is still convincing people to do the wrong things—but now it’s not having sex. I can’t state it clearly and strongly enough—not having sex in marriage is wrong. It is just as wrong as having sex outside of marriage. It will ruin and destroy a marital relationship. People continue to get the snot kicked out of them and don’t draw the line in the sand to say, “No! I will choose to do the right things and not the wrong things no matter how I feel.” They stay victims to the devil, buying the lies and letting the clouds of their past mistakes darken their marriage for the rest of their life.

Look, we’ve all done things that we wish we wouldn’t have done. We’ve all suffered from the consequences of them. But at some point you have to say enough is enough and move on. Resist the devil and he will flee is what scripture in the book of James tells us. It’s the same root issue but it just looks different on the outside. People don’t resist, they commit inappropriate and wrong behaviors and they suffer for it. If you have truly repented of your sin, God has forgiven you. Look up 1 John 1:9, better yet, memorize it. It tells us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Don’t let the lies and mistakes of the past hold you hostage in the present. Don’t let Satan dictate who you are and how you are going to behave anymore. He may have pulled the wool over your eyes in the past. He may have gotten you to stumble and fall, but go to God and confess it. Deal with it. Ask forgiveness, repent and forget yesterday. Quit allowing the devil to mop up the floor with you and defeat your life. Resist the enemy’s schemes, stand firm, stop doing the wrong thing and start doing the right thing today.

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48 Responses to “Want More Sex? Resist the Devil!”

  1. Cari Andreani says:

    I absolutely agree with this. I was married young-at 23 years old and have been married 13 years. It is a struggle for women with busy schedules to make time and have energy for intimacy-but it is so important. I have found when I make this a priority in my marriage, my marriage is great. My husband helps more, and is more understanding. I feel great too! The way I look at it is like going to the gym. I don’t really feel like going all the time, but once I go I feel great and I love the results. I have made a commitment to not let a week go by without having intimacy with my husband. Sometimes even more! Even when i was pregnant I wouldn’t let a week go by. I feel this has strengthened our bond and our marriage. And we are more in love today than we were when we first met and I believe a consistent sex life keeps that love alive.

  2. Mike says:

    Mark,
    My wife and I are getting past a terrable time in our marriage but as I said we are getting past it and I am proud of us for that.
    We have always had great sex in the past but now as soon as we connect… Well I am not able to last as I used to. We are both in our early 40′s, in good helth and both a little overweight (not a lot). It’s been my thought that it is the chemestry between us that is off and that it will come back but it has been a couple of years and she is not much into sex because she is not getting anything out of it and I am not getting the satisfaction of satisfying my wife so it is not satisfying to me either.
    Is there an education I can get here or am I headed for taking pills?

    I appreciate your newsletters. I always get something out of it.

    Mike

    • Sarai says:

      Mike,

      Have you or your wife checked out your hormones? I have had very low thyroid issues and it made me have not desire for sex. Now, things are different. It might be something to look in to. I hope the best for you and your wife.

      Sarai

    • Naomi N says:

      Dear Mike,
      When my husband had a heart atteck he started taking herbs so that he could get off the meds. After being on them for a few months he realized that the male problems he had been concerned about were no longer an issue. He took 3 Serraflazyme each a.m. on an empty stomach. Then he took pills we packed ourselves–2 cayanne, 2garlic, 1 ginger and 1 hawthorn berry, (take the herbs with food) He also took B6, B12, and folic acid. Fenugreek seed, soaked and sprouted is also “great to make an old man young” His heart is better than it was when he was young. Praise the Lord! Hope this is helpful.

  3. Kris says:

    May I suggest an incredible book? Discovering the Heart of a Woman by Ken Nair. Somethings are just that simple. Hiding in plain sight. Solution to the root of many a marriage problem according to the Word of GOD.

  4. CC Sng says:

    Awesome!! It will make a great discussion topic at our Family Life Ministry gathering in 1st Jan 2010!
    Hope Ps Mark will come share with us in our church in Singapore soon.

  5. Shelley says:

    Thanks Mark for revealing the “secret to an unhappy marriage”. I don’t feel that sex is the only reason why people should marry, but it is an important part of the marriage. When two people first meet they have an attraction that is first and foremost physical, this is how they met, that is how they will stay together. I know we can pray that we both stay together, because God put us together. But he put us together so that we can enjoy each other in every way, especially – SEX!! I sorry I found this out when I got older. I am having more fun now with my husband than I have ever before. Mostly inhibitions kept us from exploring different facets of sex, but NOW WOW we are really uninhibited and we try everything (that we can physically perform – remember I said we were OLDER). I love your programs and your emails. I want to get your CD’s and DVD’s too. I would like to sponsor a marriage group in home to share your ministry. Pray for us.

  6. Elsy says:

    Sex is a good thing, I totally agree with you. But your perspective on why couples are not engaging in sex is one sided. As Kris suggested, lets read the book and find God’s solution to the many marriage problems. Couples have been through stuff, they are unemotional and ‘love’ that once was does not make sense at all.
    When my husband hurt me, I used to feel it. Nowadays I feel nothing! I cant avail myself to him to hurt me every time. The same, I feel no positive emotions for him.
    When he travels, we call each other for business only…. bills, baby, and others.Well, may God have mercy on us coz we are just sinking…..Its really hard. I dont desire sex anymore, not when we are living like this.

    • Pat says:

      I went through much the same as you; I determined however hurt I was that God brought us together, he is a good God and knows who and what we need, I was not going to tell him he made a mistake. So I asked God to forgive me for what I had contributed to our problems, asked for forgiveness for my husband and then put the past behind me. Our intimacy is still a challenge for me but it does make a big difference for both of us when we do “connect” I pray that you will spend time in prayer; Satan is at work here, not God.

    • Kelly says:

      I am in the same situation as you. Pray for me and I will pray for you. Especially the unemotional side. It’s hard to be up for sex when there are no positive emotions happening. If sex was the answer to all marital problems there would be no problems. Maybe it’s Satan, Im not sure, but, there has to be communication between a husband and a wife and I believe there has to be a spritual connection, also. More complex than than we can grasp. Some people just never grasp the complex dynamics of what it means to be in a relationship. It cant always be about me. But more often than not, it is.

  7. tiger says:

    Elys,
    wow… you are right, there are many, many reasons for problems. I don’t think he was being exclusive.
    i can hear and feel the sadness in your words. I wish i know some words to tell you that could help, but after 25 years of my own marriage i am realistic enough to know that your problem is complex and my few words are not going to fix the problem. What i do know is that you are not alone. and most importantly it is not hopeless. no matter how much you may feel that it is the case it is not. others have been right where you are and have gone on to have great, fulfilling marrages. there is hope!
    one suggestion i would make… seek out an “old married christian woman” whose marriage is like what you would like yours to be. ask her for some time to just sit and talk, just the two of you. if you do not know such a person, ask your pastor to recommend someone.
    you need to share your feelings with your husband. we guys are not like you ladies… don’t leave us hints… just tell us as strait forward as you possible can. i will be praying for you…

  8. Becky Harmon says:

    I want to encourage those who are struggling maritially to pray and believe God for restoration in the area of sex. It is important to God and worth the time in prayer to pray through relational hurts and challenges. Many of my clients have experienced sabotages relating to sex and have seen mighty breakthrough through he principles he descibes here and just partnership and accountability in prayer with a mature prayer person.
    God loves intimacy and restoring hearts. Press in!

  9. Laurie says:

    after 34 years of marriage, i continue to be amazed at how the devil works behind the scenes to stir up pride, strife and division among married people. We continue to wrestle against unseen spiritual forces, and one among the best ways to wear down and overcome the evil one is through sex.

  10. Carol says:

    My husband and I have been married for 32 years. We are Christians. We have not had sex in almost 4 months. We have not even touched or kissed or anything. We are in marriage counselling, but I don’t have much hope. We have been through some really difficult things…. but now we need a break-through because it can’t continue like this. Because of our faith and our family, divorce would absolutely be the last straw. Please pray for us.

    • Rob says:

      Hi Carol,

      just to let you know that we’re praying for you and your husband, from here in South Africa. God will win the day for you!
      I felt when I was praying for restoration for your marriage for you guys that you both need a truth encouter, that only the Holy Spirit can provide. My wife and I went through many years of difficulty in our marriage. We tried every counselling and behaviour therapy we could find. (You know the kind… “when he says x then you say y”) The reality was that only when the Holy Spirit revealed the lies in each of our lives and dealt with the root cause of each of our anger, frustration, bitterness, etc …could we actual start “feeling” love towards each other. If you’ve been injured, or you’ve injured your spouse, then that original injury if not re-opened and dealt with can create an access point for satan to come waltzing on to your marriage. As soon as you give the Holy Spirit the place to take you back to the original event and then deal with the anger, hurt, rejection, etc (through bringing forgiveness and confirming the truth about who you are in Him, even in that place) will the door be slammed shut on the enemy. I hope this helps.

      kind regards,

      Rob
      Cape Town
      South Africa

  11. Christine says:

    I agree prayer is the answer. Ask God to show you your husband through His eyes. What a dfference it has made in my marriage when I get my feelings hurt.

  12. Sheila says:

    What about a man who wants me to have sex every night? I am 59 years old — he is 53 and I am so sick of having him hound me night after night that I just want out. Talk about frustrated and angry! There is no more emotion involved in such sex than in a sneeze! I am just a place for him to do what he wants to do. I think I might as well be an inflate-a-mate! We have been married almost 7 years and I only stay because I think it is the “right” thing to do. I hate this marriage because of the excessive sex and, trust me, if I NEVER had sex again that would be just fine with me. Just another side of the “meet his needs” coin. There is NO meeting his needs — they are insatiable.

    • Arul Jose says:

      This gives a clear example of the other side of the coin. Thanks for this reply. I would suggest you find a ‘calm’ time to explain this to your hubby. Hope he will atleast ‘begin’ to understand.

    • Darlene says:

      I wish I had your husband. You have no idea how lucky you are! I make love with with my husband once every 2 months, once a month if I’m lucky. Some people have no idea how much they have, until it’s gone away. I’d be happy with once a week. I’m a nun in my own Marriage.
      Darline

  13. Abby says:

    Married 27 years, rare/non-existent physical intimacy for 13 years of that. Why does the church not address the problem of emotional abuse/abandonment…it’s always the physical they focus on…but it’s the emotional struggles that cause the other. I tried for the first 15 years of the marriage but it was mostly one-sided. Too much hurt in that area. We are friends/roommates…but not much more than that.

    If a man abandons his wife emotionally, how can expect her to “be there” for him physically? The church needs to take up this issue…it’s not always just the womans fault for “withholding”…it often comes because he has “withheld” as well….

  14. Colleen Christopher says:

    I’m glad we’re open enough to talk about this. God has put an
    amazing part of us together. And keep up the positive thoughts.
    Thoughts = Feelings = Behavior. So much of it is mixed up out
    there with affairs,& traveling & lack of trust. I always believe
    the marriage that prays/goes to church, stays together. Mine didn’t
    after 22 years. And we didn’t pray together or go to church together.
    He was always busy, job, teenagers,& boozing his life away. He put me last and himself even more last. I will be more careful in the future. God willing. We went to marriage counseling for several years.

  15. becky says:

    This is insightful, but I look at the difficulties of sex, when as a woman is more about intimacy,kindness, being cared for, etc.
    When you feel like your husband has not made you a priority in his life, it is very difficult to want to connect with sex. And as a woman, when you do make love, it takes down the barriers that allow some of us to get through the day without being hurt. Much easier to be discounted and have walls up sometimes.
    Some men don’t understand that sex isn’t about sex… it is about the daily love, care, and concern for his wife.
    Being a housemate, getting along etc is totally different that being one, team mates, and friends.
    So, my question is- if you are not being loved well, not a priority… is is still a sin to ‘not have sex’?…even when you know the act of making love is going to make you hurt more when he says something harsh, doesn’t help with the kids, could care less about helping with the house, doesn’t take time to talk or even make eye contact… is not having sex still a sin?

    • George says:

      I would encourage you to convey to your husband exactly how his actions are hurting you and causing you not to desire intimacy with you. If he is like most men, he will appreciate your candor, (even if he seems upset at first) and will be open to making changes, especially if he believes it will restore the pleasure of sex in your relationship.

    • Kathie says:

      My sympathies! My own husband cut off sex and financial support (even though he still “lives” in the same house) about a year ago, and he started trying to hit me when I so much as touched his shoulder 3 months ago. Anyone who tells me that I need to “put out and shut up” clearly doesn’t have a clue! He blames me for getting sick during my pregnancy (hospitalized for toxemia a month after I asked if he would be okay with me taking off work for months, since I felt like I should–I don’t know why I felt that, but then, he refused and we learned about my high blood pressure… and he still wouldn’t let me take off work…), and insisted that unless I was on birth control, sex was out. One day, I couldn’t shake that what I was doing was a sin, and I looked up what the modern birth control actually does… and *had* to get off of it. My husband added that to my list of “crimes”–supposedly against his “headship.” I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t face knowing that I was probably having a chemical abortion every month. He didn’t care; he hated that I was no longer “free sex.” He started spreading lies about me at my workplace while he turned to porn–which he denied (but I have his internet history, so I know that he did) while he continued to deny me intimacy. I stopped pursuing him when I realized that each time that we were together, he treated me like a one-night-stand: hurrying to get out of bed as soon as he was finished, just so he could get on the computer, as if I wasn’t even there. Emotional abandonment, financial abandonment, physical abandonment, spiritual abandonment (though he tells people at church that his “faith is as strong as ever”!)… I am convinced that I am the wife married to an unbelieving man with only head knowledge of the scriptures, and that not very deep. I try not to look forward to court on July 31st.

  16. María Luisa says:

    I am Christian and I feel so happy because someone achieved to understand our reality and help us with a wise counsel.
    thanks.

    María Luisa
    Chile

  17. hae says:

    Only 16 months ago, I married a man who I loved with all my heart. He was the greatest partner I ever had. Since then, he has verbally abused me on several occasions. I feel dishonored and disrespected. That sense of being cherished is gone. I now have no desire to be intimate with him. In fact, I don’t even feel as if we are friends now. I may have actually helped him to understand just how his awful words have wounded me, just this morning. He asks is there hope for us and my only answer is I honestly don’t know. I never dreamed our relationship could turn out like this. My question is: After you’ve forgiven harsh words and insults, HOW DOES ONE FORGET???

    • Arul Jose says:

      >>After you’ve forgiven harsh words and insults, HOW DOES ONE FORGET???

      Dear Sister,

      Dont try to forget. The more you ‘try’ to forget, the more you will remember. The more you give priority to positive things in your life, the more the negative things will begin to fade away (they will only fade and go pointless, but will not(or need not) go away anyway).

      So have all these things in your mind and will all the pains you have, just begin to love him and pray for him in your silence (Just what Jesus did for us in Gethsemane). Hope this will help you.

  18. Bro J says:

    My wife and I have been saved and married 23 yrs and have not had intimacy in the past 10. We need help. We are both shamed and too prideful to talk about it. Along with not wanting to not want to put our personal business out. We never talked about sex or either of our desires or feelings. When were both in our 30′s when we married. We just assumed we knew how to have intimacy, but again never talked about it. And we still don’t talk about it. I dont know where we would start to revive but I am willing to keep trying.

  19. Cynthia says:

    I have only been married for 14 years. Long for some but relatively short for many who have posted here. There are many hurts and disapointments in marriage especially when our expectations are set so high. God never said follow me and I will make life easy. He just said he will be there. Pray for forgiveness and strength and thenfeel free to take the lead to take control of the situation you are only as in love and happy as you choose to be. My parents have been married for 46 years and not all glamourous but all dedicated. They have not had physical sex in many years due to health problems but there is more to love making than just intercourse. Sure you may not kock it out of the park when you get up to plate you may strick out completely but the idea is that you are still in the game and the bases are loaded. Even the greatest atheletes in the world lose once in while. There are going to tough spots and dark valleys but Gods word and the prayers of the faithful will carry you though. You must have faith. Read the Power of a Praying Wife or Husband there are literally thousands of books and websites that you can get help with like the movie FireProof and the Love Dare book. Look how hard you worked to win the heart of your patner. Getting married is easy any one can do that. Staying married is a whole other ball game that comes with completely different rules. You have to keep couorting your partner everyday. In marriage it is the billions of little things that make it great. Open your hearts, your mind and your eyes to the possiblities, to Gods plan for your lives together. All things are possible

  20. Becky says:

    Wow! Just read the article and all the responses and I am honestly a little frightened. I was married for almost 25 years to an overall good man. He died suddenly of a heart attack. Our sex life was on again/off again for many of the reasons mentioned above. I never felt first place in his heart because he was so addicted to his cigarette smoking. Seriously, he was constantly smoking so I felt that in his heart it was God, Nicotine and then me and I was a very jealous wife. Anyway, I did withhold sex a lot when I was angry over the smoking. I know now that was wrong and I hope to apologize in heaven to him one day. After he had a major heart attack and double by=pass surgery I was terrified to have sex with him so was never very comfortable doing it so we just eventually gave up.
    I met a nice guy a few months ago and I hope I will be a better wife. I can tell you that I do miss not having sex. I never thought I would say this cause with my first husband, I just didn’t care anymore. Is something wrong with me? this new guy makes me feel like I am first in his eyes (after God, of course) and I am so ready to have that intimacy but on another level very scared that my sexual life will be like that in my first marriage. Can anyone help me?

    • Arul Jose says:

      In heaven there are not husbands and wives as said in Bible. Your current man is your husband here on earth. According to Bible, you should live a happy life with him without giving place to your past.

      This shows you are not reading Bible. I encourage you, start reading Bible. It will help you a lot. God bless you.

  21. DENISE says:

    I HAVE BEEN MARRIED NOW FOR THIFRTY YEARS TO AN UNBELEIVER, WERE MARRIED AND I GOT SAVED; SAVED NOW ABOUT 15 YRS. I NEED SOME ADVICE BECUASE MY HUSBAND GOES OUT TO PARTIES ON WEEKENDS, AND THRU-OUT OUR MARRIAGE, THEIR IS THIS PARTICULAR GIRL IN WHOM I KEEP RUNNING INTO THROUGHOUT OUR MARRIAGE AND MY HUSBAND KEEPS DENYING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON, AND THE SITUATIONS ARE THERE, AND ALSO HE IS INTO PORNOGRAPHY. I STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO GET A DIEASE. IM TIRED OF HIS BEHAVIOUR AND HE HAS NOT APOLOGIZED BECUASE HE CLAIMED HE HAS NOT DONE ANYTHING.BUT WHY WAS HE OVER HER HOUSE? I JUST NEED SOME ADVICE BECAUSE I THINK THIS MARRIAGE IS ABOUT OVER..HELP!!!

    • Mary B says:

      Denise,
      If I didn’t know better I would think you were me 10 years ago writing your comment. I ignored my “gut feeling” for over a year because he still treated me like a queen. My husband did the EXACT same things yours is doing and made me believe they were just old high school friends. HE HAS NO BUSINESS spending time with another women, no matter how innocent he thinks it is. My husband’s girl friend actually called me and said “I don’t care if I destroy your marriage or your 3 children. I’m going to get your husband no matter what it takes.” If the tramp that is chasing him is determined, she will get what she wants. I actually followed him (like a spy in the movies) several times so I knew for sure he was meeting her before I confronted him.
      I pray your marriage turns out better than mine (27 years). My advise is…Trust your instincts. I think us women have a sense when something isn’t right.

    • Mary B says:

      P.S.
      Denise,
      Why don’t you join him when he visits his lady friend? You can tell by the way they look at each other if there is something between them. If nothing is going on, he shouldn’t object.

  22. Ada Homan says:

    This post is actually the most poignant on this important topic. I absolutely feel the same way with your viewpoints and will eagerly look forward to your approaching updates. Just saying thanks will not just be adequate, for the fantastic clarity in your writing. I will directly grab your rss feed to stay up to date of any updates. Marvelous work and best of luck in your blogging endeavors!

  23. Nolan Slover says:

    I have struggled for a long time with pornography–I give it over to God and then I get stupid and take it back, indulging in some of the most disgusting types there is–animated, and of giantesses. Now, all of this got started innocently enough back when I was a teenager and watched too many Saturday morning cartoons, saw Disney’s machine spit out episodes involving growth and two where there were earthquakes in the episode, and I got hooked.

    Now, I’ve tried to rationalize most of it but I know doing so is a really dumb thing to do. It’s not defendable and I end up stealing so much from my wife.

    One consequence of this fantasy of growth, masturbation, destruction and earthquakes is that it’s gotten very ingrained in my sex life. I’m doing the smartest thing by turning my back on it–for the fourth or fifth time in my life. There’s still the urge every so often. I need to dig deep into God, get my music going (any type of music because I love to sing), or start writing about anything else than that.

    I hold confident that God will change me from the inside out and erase that desire from my mind and my heart.

    Mark, I am so grateful for the work God has done in you. You made me laugh so hard, then I cried my heart out because of how bad I had allowed things to get in my marriage. I can’t wait to see the rest of the DVD!

  24. Mary Franklin says:

    I just want to use this opportunity to thank you and your wife for all your research and information you are giving out on relationships, which I and my husband are using a lot in our counselling mission. A mission we both feel Heavenly Father asked us to do and is not done on professional grounds.
    But as our counselling are going beyond our own belief (Christianity), we do respect many other forms of faith as Muslims, Jews, Hindus and so on and have to take that into consideration, when counselling.
    We have researched many different talks and materials, but your talks and material are just spot on for us.
    Abstinence and how to use sex in relationships is great materials.
    We have just started a group, for youngsters from 18 to 35. So that is both singles and couples, called “Straight Talk with Uncle David and Auntie Mary”, where we have used the tape with two minds and the dating tape.
    It was absolute great, lots of discussion on sex outside marriage, pornography and masturbation.
    It is usually me talking, as I come from Denmark and are used to talk straight about sex. My husband is English and the most wonderful husband ever and the main reason why we can do this kind of work.
    Thank you again for all your lovely materials.
    God Bless your Family.
    David and Mary

  25. Yvonne says:

    It is distressing to keep hearing that sex is integral to marriage without any mention of the idea that sex requires not only physical contact, but also relationship.

    Like everyone else, my husband and I both have emotional issues from our childhoods. He believes that my not having sex with him as often as he wanted it is the cause of our marriage problems, and if I were sexually available to him, he would become emotionally available.

    He grew up not really knowing where his next meal was coming from, living with abusive parents and an alcoholic father. He acknowledges that he puts his emotions away — meaning he is as close to Spock as anyone I’ve ever met. He becomes catatonic if something trips an emotional wire. On a good day, he’s becomes like Rain Man; on a bad day, he will lay down on the ground or on a bed because he cannot function.

    He asks for my help, but I cannot give him what he needs to heal. He considers me both the cause of his problems and the only one who can fix them. I am neither angel nor demon; he cannot see me as anything but one or the other. Enabling yourself to be someone’s sex toy is not love.

    • barbara says:

      Yvonne, bless your heart…May the Lord comfort you…I can so identify with this. My husband grew up similarly. Both parents emotionally unavailable for him,, alcohol and physical abuse issues (although he would deny this, I know from what he’s described that all of these things were present). He has blamed our sexual issues (we haven’t had any for 4 years or so) on me totally. After he had bypass surgery, the medication he has been taking affected his functionality…but yet, if you ask him, its my fault. When we were younger (both now in our 60′s), he wanted sex often, but was unavailable emotionally most of the time. Usually within 24 hours of being intimate, he would get angry and distance himself from me. I have suggested counseling; he told me he didn’t need it, that it was all me. So, here we are; barely a kiss good morning, no hugs, no affection of any kind from him. I am going to be diligently praying that the Lord intervenes here, as I don’t want this to go on. I have tried discussing the issue, but he just points a finger at me, and walks off. Your last paragraph says it all….I cannot give him what he needs to heal, etc….I will be praying for you, too, Yvonne.

  26. Yolanda says:

    i have been married 2 years. My husband has a big heart but doesn’t want to be the bigger man and get a job he wants to watch tv play video games eat and sleep. i work raise 2 kids from a previous relationship and i’m tired and ready to throw in the towel he pays one bill i pay the rest . then skipped out the one bill he usually pays moved where his family is and wants to come back home, but i can’t deal anymore cause it will be the same thing.

  27. John says:

    What if you really just do not have the drive or desire? I’m mid 40′s and over the last 2 years I have felt the drive slowly going away. Now I really do not ever have the urge more than maybe once a month at most.

    I do feel that this is a natural part of aging. I do not think that it was intended for us to be having sex well into our advanced ages. No, I’m not calling mid 40′s advanced age, but going into the 50′s and 60′s I can not see that once a month or once every other month is wrong? If you still have that level of drive, great for you, but I think that the majority don’t.

    I also take exception that the “solution” always seems to be “just do it more and you’ll like it”. Why is it fair that the low drive person must give in and “just do it”? I do not think that once a month is “sexless”. Sexless is not doig it. Once a month is still “doing it”.

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