- Oral Sex in Marriage
Time and again I am asked questions about what is permissible or allowed in the marital bed. I generally assume that people are asking the question because one spouse thinks that a certain activity is great and really wants to engage in the particular thing, while the other one is reticent, uncomfortable or flat out doesn’t want to. Often what most people want to know is what the bible says about oral sex. So for all of those who wonder if it’s okay, I will offer my opinion. Remember, this is what I think and you, your spouse, your grandma, Dr. Phil, or other marriage speakers and books—both Christian and secular—probably have a variety of answers to the question.
Let me start off by staying that the very important underlying premise of any discussion on sex is that husbands and wives are to be lovers to each other. That means you are to love the other person, consider him or her in your actions and do what you can to make your sexual relationship safe, secure and pleasurable. If both people are comfortable with and mutually desire something, then it’s on the table. If one doesn’t, it’s off. I’m not sure what part of forcing, coercing and pressuring your mate to do something they don’t like fits into being a lover. Continue reading →
- When Is It Adultery?
Is what Jesus said true? Seems like a pretty straight forward question. Born again Christians who believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God would quickly give an emphatic “yes” as an answer. But I would like to challenge believers in an area where they say Jesus’ words are true but aren’t necessarily living like it. It’s a rather sad indictment on Christianity today that we even have to ask: Is what Jesus said about divorce and remarriage being adultery true? What’s more shocking is that almost no one I ask seems to be able to give an answer to the question!
Divorce is common among people in churches today. Statistically, divorce is occurring among believers at the same rate as non-church couples—actually at an even higher rate than atheists! Christians are most often divorcing not because of an affair or sexual unfaithfulness but for any reason under the sun—everything from “my spouse isn’t meeting my needs” and “he/she isn’t my soul mate” to “we just can’t get along”. Sometimes very strict churches will take a real hard line and say that you can never remarry after divorce or else it’s adultery. They maintain that you must live alone for the rest of your life, no matter the circumstances, even if a person was divorced prior to becoming a believer. Undoubtedly, people have been hurt by that rigid stand. Continue reading →
- Double Bagging
I watched a video of your marriage seminar with one of my friends as a part of our Bible study. When we got to the part about sex, we were shocked that you were recommending people wear two condoms if they were using them at all. I am a firm believer in sex after marriage, but you cannot tell people to double up on condoms. The latex rubs against each other and is much more likely to tear. Essentially, the concept of “double bagging” does not apply here. Counterintuitive, I know, but please make sure that you are giving people correct information regarding condom usage.
- Christians Think Too Much
I’m convinced that many Christians think too much. Let me explain. It’s not a matter of learning, using common sense or exercising your intellectual abilities. What I mean is that people put far too much weight on what they think instead of being concerned about what the bible says.
Here is a news flash for you: God loves you but doesn’t give a rat’s butt what you think. He is not sitting up in heaven taking a poll on the public opinion here on Earth trying to decide if he should alter his rules based on what you or anyone else thinks. Seriously, I don’t think that God calls all the angels together and says, “You know, I believe we should make some changes around here. After all, Susan, Bobby and all these other people think that it’s ok to live together before marriage. Jane and John and their friends all think it’s ok to commit adultery because they really love this other person. Maybe we need to change our policies.” Continue reading →
- When Opportunity Knocks
Much has been written and broadcast in the media about high profile personalities committing adultery. It has struck the marriages of many people from Hollywood celebrities to politicians, sports figures to pastors and church leaders. While these cases are fodder for every talk show, news and quasi-news program, the reality for the rest of us is that many normal, average, ordinary people engage in adulterous affairs. Often times husbands or wives who end up in an affair are not totally miserable in their marriage, as most people assume. In fact, recent studies show that even those people who rate their marital relationship as “pretty happy” and “very happy” end up committing adultery. Affairs don’t only happen in bad marriages.
Researchers say that one of the greatest risk factors for infidelity isn’t what is going on inside the marriage, but something that is outside. That risk factor is opportunity. The state of your marriage isn’t necessarily the greatest indicator of infidelity, so you need to be very careful. Far too many people make the mistake of thinking, “Our marriage is just fine. We love each other, we’re solid and it would never happen to us.” Then they let down their guard and don’t pay attention to the situations they allow themselves to be in because they feel like they are safe. It’s the furthest thing from the truth. Continue reading →
- Addicted to Porn?
There are things in life that we typically don’t think twice about until something changes or impacts our normal day-to-day activities. For instance, usually there is no reason to be concerned about things such as saying hello and greeting someone with a handshake or a hug. But that can change dramatically during times of crisis or epidemic (real or potential) and people have to consider that they are not in a “business-as-usual” situation. Take for instance the recent scenario of H1N1 in our country. For the first time people in the public sector were dealing with something that would ordinarily never be an issue. Even pastors at churches were making decisions as to the safety of something as simple as greeting those around you at a Sunday morning church service. Again, the rules changed because of the circumstances around us.
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- Sometimes Sex is Just Sex
Many married people are not having an active sex life for no other reason than they “don’t feel like it”—meaning they think they have to feel this great desire and/or a huge emotional connection at the front end or sex isn’t going to happen. In my last post I addressed the desire aspect of this flawed thinking. Now, I’ll dispel the myth regarding the requirement of a huge emotional connection.
Women, more often than men, get hung up on this one and think they have to have all these warm and fuzzy emotions to feel like they can get physical with their husbands. I’m not saying that you always have sex with no emotion or connection–that would not be a healthy relationship. But what I am saying is that sometimes sex can just be sex. The joining together of a husband and wife to get close to each other, relieve stress, enjoy the release and just have a good time enjoying one another–no romance novel level of desire or surge of emotions required! Again, much of this comes from the media—with chick flicks being a huge culprit.
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- Sexless Marriage? The Desire Myth
In a previous post I gave one possible explanation for why some married couples don’t have much of a sex life. Sexless marriage is a very common problem in millions of marriages today. As I’ve stated before, a sexless marriage is one where a couple engages in little to no sexual activity–anything less than ten times per year is considered to be sexless. There can be many reasons that contribute to this phenomenon—anything from health issues, kids and busy schedules, to pornography use, masturbation, issues due to past sexual abuse and serious problems or difficulties in the relationship. But there is one very simple misunderstanding in regard to sex I would like to address, and I truly think it can make a big difference for a lot of couples. Many, many people mistakenly think that you can only have sex if it is preceded by great desire and/or a huge emotional connection. But I say that neither is required every time to have a great sex life with your spouse.
Let’s deal with the desire issue first. The typical model says we first feel desire, then arousal, followed by the actual event of sex (intercourse)—but as I say in my Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage book and seminar, this is not true for millions of people! Many people don’t feel that great desire first and often don’t want to do it until they are actually doing it—then they are glad they did! Unfortunately, the misinformation that we have been given by so-called experts and the media in our culture has led most people to believe that both the man and woman always feel all this hot and heavy desire before they can have sex.
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- The Marriage Ref Preview
The reviews of Jerry Seinfeld’s new show The Marriage Ref have been coming in since the preview ran earlier this week. People aren’t loving it! Even after the full hour premiere of the show last night. If you can see beyond the fact that the likes of Madonna and Alec Baldwin are those among the celebrity panel giving advice on marriage, there are a few redeeming qualities.
First of all, it is not intended to be some academic dissertation or highly instructional show on marriage… I mean, it is Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Papa and they are both comedians. They intended the show to be comedy. After all, there are some extremely funny situations that crop up in marriage. And who isn’t going to find some of the situations these couples are arguing about funny? A man who has his dead dog stuffed and wants to set up a shrine to him in their house; another husband who wants to put a stripper pole in their house but his wife is opposed; a woman who will only allow the family to use the dining room on Thanksgiving.
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- Attention = Desire Disorder (Part 2)
In the last post I wrote about the connection between attention and desire and explained that when a man pays attention to his wife, it builds desire in him. As human beings we want or desire what we give our time and thoughts to. It could be a shiny new car that you keep driving by the lot admiring or the big piece of chocolate cake that you continuously look at sitting on the counter! Then I explained how this applies in marriage—mostly from the man’s point of view—trying to get women to understand this connection between attention and desire in a man’s brain. If you haven’t read it yet, you may want to check out Attention = Desire Disorder (Part 1) first.
Now, I didn’t say that every time the guy gives his wife a little attention she needs to fulfill his immediate desire (as some readers assumed). Rather the intent was to explain why some men stop paying attention to their wives. If time after time a man gives attention, causing his desire for his wife to grow, and then she constantly stiff-arms him and pushes her husband away, the dude is going to stop with the attention. He will do it if for no other reason than to keep his arousal and desire in check and limit his own sexual frustration.
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- Attention = Desire Disorder
It’s the New ADD. Attention = Desire Disorder.
It is not a secret that men and women typically want different things from one another in a marriage. Ask 100 women what they want more of from their husband and most of them will say they want him to pay more attention to them. Ask 100 guys what they want more of from their wife and most of them will say they want more sex… no surprise there! These differing wants are the ingredients for a perfect stand off between men and women.
Women will say, “I’d make love to him more if he’d just give me some attention and I felt like he cared about me for more than just sex.” Men will say, “I give her attention and that just makes me want her more, but she still doesn’t want to have sex.” And it’s true that when a man gives his attention to his wife, it increases his sexual desire for her! Desire fills him as a result of paying attention to the woman—his sexual interest increases as he focuses in on his wife. Much of the attention that men give, whether women like it or not, is sexually driven. Sex and attention all go together, you can’t separate the two. Whatever we give our attention to is what we end up desiring.
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- Don’t Change the Guy
Way too many women are dating guys thinking they can change or morph them into the man they want him to be. It would be far better to just find a guy that is more of what you want. If he’s a frog, you aren’t going to turn him into prince charming. You need to move on. I don’t know what it is in the female psyche that makes women think that the bum will be different when they are married.
If you don’t like the fact that he isn’t a devoted follower of Jesus, or that he smokes or is a slob, or whatever—you fill in the blank—but think by some “magical cosmic force” he’ll be different once you are married, you are fooling yourself. Women will say they want a solid Christian man, someone with a good job and a wonderful mother but date a guy who stays in bed and watches TV rather than going to church, can’t hold a steady job and whose mother is a banshee. Then they think these things will go away, won’t matter or that they can change him. These ladies are in for a ton of misery.
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